Monday, July 29, 2013


Sorry I haven't posted in a while.
Last Thursday I really did nothing but Friday I had my friend over for dinner. My parents never met him and wanted to so yup. That went well. Other than that I have just been working all week-end. Today (aka. Sunday since I don't consider it the next day until I sleep and then wake up), I hung out with some friends of mine. We just chilled.

Now this is going to get interesting because you're probably going to be like... but I thought you broke up..? But me and my "ex-boyfriend" are still friends. It was an awkward ending but we are such good friends that we didn't want to let this get in the way of losing that great friendship. So yeah, with that said, I don't think I need to tell you it's an awkward situation and it's awkward having to still be around him so much. Like I love him but at the same time, it's hard being around him when I still like him and I know that he no longer sees me in that way. It makes it even harder when one of the other guys I hang out with likes me. It makes for some awkward situations. . . and I don't know what to do.

So that is kind of what happened tonight. It's like. . . I try not to lead on my friend but sometimes I can't help it. I like the attention and I really don't get a lot of it. . . actually like rarely. And like part of me hopes that it makes my ex see what he's missing out on by seeing me and my friend flirt and such, but at the same time I have part of me that knows it will probably end up pushing them both away. . . And I don't want to see that happen.

I'm beginning to wish I could start my life over. I would probably make so many different decisions. . . but at the same time I sometimes think that the way I act most of the time is because I'm lacking something in some other part of my life. . . like example: I feel like I often like to try and get attention from guys because I don't get any positive attention at home. Or like I try to hang out with people a lot because it's a way for me to feel wanted or loved because I don't actually ever hear people say they love me.

Why can't life be easier? Or more simpler? Or at least. . . easier to understand? Life is so complicated and I'm sick of it. It's a like a puzzle that will never be completed or solved and I need a break so that I can come back and see pieces I've missed before. But I'm afraid it's quite impossible to take a break from life as much as I wish it was possible. I think a break would be classified as death— which isn't necessarily an option at this point as much as I sometimes wish it was. I feel like all my life is ever filled with is with sadness and pain, loneliness and hatred, confusion and anxiousness. Nothing ever seems clear to me and I know nothing ever will. That's how life is. A couple weeks ago everything did seem clear to me and then everything came crashing down in one day. I feel like life often does that and then laughs at me while I try to piece the pieces back together and says "you thought you knew me. . . think again sucker."

I really like the lyrics from the song "Counting Stars" by Onerepublic:
"I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive"

Because I find that as much as life can seem so complicated at times, and I find myself acting completely different than I ever thought I would be acting, I find that I would feel dead and monotonous if I did what I thought I would be doing several years ago. . . Life is an interesting thing.

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