Wednesday, July 23, 2014


Have you ever felt as if love was a forever changing thing? Something that is not constant? I feel as if this is reality or at least that is how I see love as it is towards me. I feel as if love is never a constant stream for me. It comes and it goes... it ebbs and flows. I feel as if one moment I am showered in it while at others I am in a complete desert.

This is one of those times I feel it lacking. I feel thrown aside. I feel unwanted and rejected. You know all I have ever wanted is for someone to say, yes I want you. Without me having to ask. I ask people to hang out with me and all I get is "I don't want to", even from my family. They are all too busy or don't feel like it. I try to make time for people who seem to never want to make time for me. I feel used. I see some people a few times and when I do, all they want is to be pleased then they toss me aside. They don't even bother to try to talk to me and tell me they miss me or want me. I feel as if I reach for them as they watch in pity and laugh.

You know as bad as this is going to sound, I totally thought I saw my ex-boyfriend the other day and my heart skipped a beat. Not because I miss him but because I realized I missed feeling special. He was a jerk and I do NOT miss him at all. But I do miss how he would make me feel special even if it was just to butter me up because he had been extremely hurtful the moment before. But I felt special to him and I fully believe that was the only reason our relationship lasted as long as it did. But he would always remember to tell me he missed me, how much he wanted to see me, how much I meant to him. He would surprise me with things... little things. Like a picked flower, homemade bracelet, cute random 2 sentence notes, love letters in the mail. Even though I only saw him maybe once a week or even once every two weeks, I always knew I was on his mind. I knew he wanted me. I never doubted that.

I miss that.

I miss having someone who adores me more than life itself and who tells me that.

I was laughing this morning when my friend texted me at 6:45am just to tell me she got me something while on vacation and couldn't wait to give it to me when she got back. I've known her for 9 years now and love her with all my heart. I was laughing because at times it seems like she makes me feel more special than any guy ever has. And I to her. We joke all the time about what if we had dated but then we realize neither of us are sexually attracted to the other. Just emotionally. But then I realized I missed her. Because, again, as much as I don't see her very often, I know she cares about me and is thinking about me. And she randomly likes to tell me that too. I laugh because we basically act as if we are in a relationship.

Anyways. Just a random 2 am thought. Can't sleep, so figured I would write out my feelings running through my mind.

"Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You know she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you."

Friday, July 18, 2014

True Beauty

It’s weird how life changes before your eyes. It almost seems like a movie at times in the way time elapses; so quickly yet paused just long enough on the moments that truly make the story. Yet then at times life seems to move along no faster than a cloud; so slowly that you don’t even notice when it has left or when it will ever reappear. People have a funny way of making life seem to speed by or slowly edge along. They come in and out, and stay just long enough for you to learn of yourself and how quick you learn to love and trust. They come and linger long enough for you to grow and watch them grow before one day you awake and they are no longer there. Then they come and they stay. . . long enough until one day they awake and you are no longer living. I found this out the hard way. I, at times, relive the people in my life that have passed, lingered, and stayed. It’s always a surprise to me of how much life changes before us.  How people change. There must be something more to life than the relations we have with the ones surrounding us. There must be more to this life than living everyday for another. At times, I often feel I no longer understood life as completely as I once thought I did. It’s funny how life changes like that. You wake up one morning surrounded by only questions. Questions you once thought you had the answers to but then realized that you had only scratched the surface. Life is full of people. And people make up this world more than even air itself. They keep us sane as well as drive us insane but everyone has a place and without this somewhat chaotic order, we would all plummet to complete confusion. People make the world go around and around. Without them, this Earth would be nothing more than a ball orbiting a sun. With people, this ball suddenly becomes an object with an identity; a sphere with a name. Earth. Filled with something more; life.

I look back at my life and ask myself questions. What truly mattered then? And why did I think it mattered when now it is nothing more than a thought from the past, a pinch of time on the line of eternity, a day to this life, and a feeling all my own? But then it truly does matter because it was a moment. It was a moment where two people collided to make something more. More than the circles we run or the single life we lead. It was a moment where two paths collided, intertwined, or crossed before heading their own way. Those are the moments that leave us learning. But why do we learn and what must we gain from these moments except an acceptance and an acknowlgement that we truly aren’t alone? That no matter if a moment left happiness, pain, or grief, we are to understand that we were allowed to take part in a moment of beauty, where two became one and a masterpiece was sprouted from which a destiny was changed and a life was altered. Maybe it was not altered in a large way, but one small enough to cause future change, future thoughts, future memories and moments for one to look back upon. These themselves are reasons to be glad of any collision we have with another. We had the opportunity to take part in another’s life; to experience this Earth as they do and to catch a glimpse into the mind of another. We created a piece of history.

This world is so beautiful and I find I often lose sight of this. I get caught up in the day to day stresses and instead find myself living in what could be or what was instead of what is. Because what is will become what was and leads to what will be. This world has a beauty like no other and reflects this beauty to me through the people within it. Each person has their own beauty they radiate. But often I get caught up in the act of comparison. I compare my beauty to theirs as one compares a stone to a shell. They both have beauty but they are incomparable. I get caught up in the act of losing sight of what is true, real, and honest. But on those rare occasions I do see the beauty, each person I see is a different creature… a different creation. They amaze, astound, and quiet me. I notice the things about them that are unique to them. They way they move, speak, and think… each thing, unique. It’s the outward appearance of everything inward. It’s the product of their individual DNA, made up of different orders of only 4 nucleotides but in a different way so as to make them completely unique from the person standing next to them or living half way around the world. It is a product of years of childhood, years of paths becoming crossed by others and years of self-seeking. It is this intricate web of life that astounds me and pushes me to learn as much as I can of this human soul. It pushes me to help those around me also see this beauty; to be at peace with themselves, others, and the world.  

It is all this that leads me to questions. Leads me to ask is there more to life than simply worrying of others, forgetting the beauty, and letting fear stifle our intuitive, curious souls. I ask myself why we allow ourselves to do this and why we allow ourselves to disregard the thought that there must be something much bigger than us out there that keeps this world turning.

Friday, July 11, 2014


There is something that I have realized over the last two years but have been deathly afraid to admit to myself for fear that I will admit I am weak. But in reality. . . I am weak.

I give into peer pressure extremely easily. My whole life I have always looked up to the people who stand up for what they want and never back down, who aren't afraid to be who they are or do what they want. My best friend Reagan was always one of those people. I always loved the fact about her that she didn't care what her parents said. She wore the things she wanted to regardless of if people thought it looked weird. I loved the fact that she was shameless of the things she enjoyed and she wasn't afraid to speak her mind.

I was never like that. I always came across as being confident in everything I said and believed but in reality I have always been afraid. Afraid of what people think and I find I only say things to appease others. My opinions on things change in an instant to resemble more similarly the person I am talking to so as to prevent a confrontation or argument. My actions change to match those of what people want from me or out of me. I feel extremely threatened by people who naturally get along with my friends because I feel as if I'm going to be tossed aside because I don't have all the same likes or opinions or something that they want. I have an extreme need to be accepted. Growing up I was home schooled because I was bullied in public school. I came home one day telling my mom I wanted to stay home for school and she let me. But there is always that stupid opinion of home schooled kids that they are awkward and antisocial and weird so I never told anyone I was home schooled. I hated the looks and jokes. The sad thing was I actually did sports with public school kids and band and theater. Everyone seemed to like me until they would find out I was home schooled. Then they would stop talking to me. I hated it and I felt alone. I tried to fit in in anyway I could. I stopped wearing my glasses, I stopped eating, I lost weight (even though I already had a normal body weight and type), I exercised more (like a lot more), I joked about the same things they did no matter how wrong it was, I acted as if I didn't care about school even though I loved learning, I acted as if I enjoyed all the same things they did.

What hurt the most was that I didn't even feel accepted in the home school community because I wasn't religious enough or because I didn't grow up in a generational home of home schooled kids or because I acted too much like the public schoolers.

I never felt liked. So I realized that these last 2 years. When I have been pressured the most to do things I said I would never do. And I've done them all. The sad thing is that when I do them or did them, that I would feel "cool" or accepted by those around me. But in reality, I realize now that they didn't care if I did it or not. They would still be my friends or they would still have left like they did. All I did by choosing to take part in those pressures was hurt myself. And to go back on every promise I ever made myself.

I hate looking at people now and see all the things they have stuck with and not changed. I hate it because I'm not like them. I never had the strength to say no. And even if I did, it didn't last for very long. Even if it was one of the deepest held desires in my heart. I honestly think I've only ever made one true choice for myself that I didn't feel pressured into. That honestly was switching colleges last year.

You know as much as I have felt pressured by people, some of the choices have been good ones. But that doesn't mean I was glad I was pressured. No. I've never had a chance to make my own choices. So now I am floundering. I don't know what I'm doing or who I am. I don't know what I believe or how to live with everything I've done. I can only hope that I'll learn from them and be able to help others with it. But my biggest struggle in life right now is. . .

to make my own choices. And to not care what anyone says or thinks. To say no and to stick by it. To stick by my opinions even if I don't have the best comebacks because deep down in my heart I know it is right.

I always say be humble but be firm. 
Humility and openness 
are the key to success 
without compromising your beliefs. 
-George Hickenlooper