Sunday, February 23, 2014

Deep Breath, Get Up, Dust Off, and Begin Again

So much school and so must stress. These last few weeks never seemed like they would end. Actually it came to the point that I just broke out laughing while my boyfriend just broke down in tears. The amount of things that seemed to happen in not even a weeks amount of time was just.... seemingly impossible. I swear we made a new record of all the bad things that can happen in a week. First it started with my boyfriend calling me on Monday night of last week telling me that he lost his credit card and couldn't find it. He had it the night before but was missing it. I told him to check his car (since he had already checked everywhere else) but being that is was really late he said he would check on Tuesday. Tuesday came and he called me again and started telling me how he got a random parking ticket for apparently missing his front license plate on his car. . . . which happened to have been stolen. On top of this he couldn't find his credit card. This then rolled into that night when he broke his phone charger (it got ripped out of the wall). The next day (Wednesday) he accidentally left his phone in his car overnight (and if any of you know how cold it gets in MN in February, then you know it is extremely cold at night and just about everything freezes). His phone then decided to rebel and some of the buttons no longer work. The next thing that happened, was his mom decided to take his car and give him hers as they tried to figure out the license plate situation. After this I got a call from Ian on Friday (Valentine's day), he began telling me he received another ticket for apparently parking next to a fire hydrant which was completely buried in snow and which you could not see. He was not happy after this- obviously, as any normal person would be. On top of this, Sunday his car wouldn't start. We had to try to flag down somebody to come help us jump it. No one seemed to have jumper cables but thank God we found someone who could drive us to a gas station to buy some cables in order to jump the car. By the time we got back it was 1 in the morning. The next day (Monday), he found out he missed a mandatory meeting for ROTC and had to figure all of that out. At this point I just couldn't handle it. Nothing seemed to be going right and I just literally failed a test and did horrible on a paper and had two more tests coming up that week. Ian just broke down crying.
Life seems to be way too stressful at times. I know this may not all seem that stressful but within the short amount of time it happened, it was very stressful. A week is too short of a time to deal with so much stress as well as school and in my case, having to also act as a therapist for several of my friends who were also having very bad weeks. Me and Ian just basically came to the point where we couldn't take it anymore. So as a summary. Let me review that week in a little diagram.

-Lost credit card

-Parking ticket
-Stolen License plate
-Broken phone charger

-Broken phone

-Traded cars

-Another parking ticket

-nothing thank God

-Car wouldn't start/ dead battery
-Finally found someone to help

-Missed mandatory meeting

Despite the amount of stress, this week has taught me something. Things happen that you can never expect to happen. Life is full of the unexpected but it's how we chose to react to these unexpected turns that makes us into who we are now. I found that I tried to keep a very positive outlook on life during this time when normally I would just have accepted my fate and dwell in self-defeat. And I found that that is what truly allowed me to recover. I had faith the Lord was going to provide and things would be ok in the end. This gave me so much peace throughout the whole week even though I was stretched to my limits. Ian was stressed to the point he just broke down. I remember him laying on the floor in my room telling me he was done. He didn't want to ever get up again and how he was giving up. I told him that giving up means you are never going to try again. I told him he wasn't giving up and he hasn't given up yet. That I need him and that it will all get better in the end. Whether that be in a day, 2 days, 4 months, or 10 years.

This last week (following the horrible week) though, has honestly been a good recovery week. Still stressful but a lot less shit happening. It has been a chance to take a deep breath, get up, dust ourselves off, and take another shot at life and continue on down the road. Because honestly.... that is all you can do and need to do in life sometimes. Accept the difficulties but still chose to arise and not let them knock you down.    

Saturday, February 8, 2014

1/3 Past, 1/3 Future, and 1/3 Present

So as I sit here and attempt to catch up on my reading for a psych class I can't help but let my mind wander. I had a sudden urge to type. . . and just type. I haven't written in a while either and decided that it's probably time to update the blog. This semester has gone by fast and is going extremely well. I'm glad that I have finally moved out because it has given me a chance to be on my own for once. I have also been meeting so many new people and my classes are good. I honestly love the university and seem to have not enough time on my hands. I don't know how that is because I have the same amount of time I did last semester but I really feel as if I have no time. It's quite frustrating at times.

The only down side that I've had being further away is that I never get to see my best friend. Since she doesn't drive, it's hard to find time to see her. I saw her this week for a few hours for the first time since way before school started. It was fun and nice but then I realized how much I miss her. How much I miss having someone in my life that knows me better than I know myself. Someone who I can be completely real with on every level. Now grant it, I am meeting so many cool and awesome people but a lot of them are still in the category of 'friend' and not really in the close friend category. Though I did meet one girl who I just clicked with instantly. She's like awesome and we get along really well. I'm just saddened at the same time because I don't want to feel like I'm replacing my good friend of many years. I don't know how it's going to be next year though because my best friend will probably be in New York for school . . . . so quite a distance. You never know though and I'm not going to dwell on the future because none of us truly know how it will turn out.

That is actually something I've truly been dealing with recently. I've never really been the type to dwell on the future because too many times have I had my hopes and dreams dashed upon the rocks of life and reality. But recently I have found myself daydreaming about life and I keep having to bring myself back to reality and to remind myself that the wonderful future I have fantasized about may or may not happen so it's pointless to think about it. But sometimes that is all that gets me through the day. . . the thought of my future. But also sometimes it brings stress and uncertainty upon my thoughts. And that is harmful. Why stress over something that is not yet upon me? Why can't I live more in the present? I used to really live in the past. For years I did and that was beyond damaging to my mind, soul, and heart. But now I feel I am in the opposite extreme. I dwell in the future more than any other and that's damaging as well. . . I've really been trying to train my mind into evenly splitting into all 3 realms. 1/3 in the past so I don't make the same stupid mistakes again, 1/3 in the future so I know what my goals are and I have hope when times get tough, and 1/3 in the present so I can focus on achieving my goals and creating lasting and meaningful relationships with people. That is what I yearn for. That is what I desire to have.