Saturday, September 28, 2013

Drive and Never Look Back

Last night my best friend gave me a proposition. We had been driving around for about an hour just talking and listening to the radio. We were driving in an area we didn't know so you can kinda say we were sorta lost. It was late at night about 11pm and we decided to pull into a parking lot of a park as we came back to a more well known area. She turns to me and was like "what if we just ran away? what if we just chucked our phones out the window and drove away with nothing but the clothes on our back, $20 in our pockets, and the blankets in the trunk?" There was a long pause and then she goes "I know we have boyfriends and all but what if we never came back? We wouldn't have to deal with the tears of people from us leaving. . . what if we just started over?" I looked at her and I laughed and smiled and said "what if? Because that is exactly what I want to do right now."
We both sat there before getting out of the car. We pulled the blankets out and then went and laid in the grass staring at the partially cloudy sky. I have to say that I was beyond tempted to just leave... to go on an adventure. I honestly don't know what stopped us from leaving because I had nothing holding me back. I scared myself last night because I came to the point where I had absolutely no guilt about leaving and was about to just leave. I think what may have been stopping us was the fact that it was the middle of the night. . . or maybe it was because we needed a few things before we could leave. . . but then I think. . . it wasn't anything we couldn't have bought along the way. I don't know what stopped us. Maybe is was the fact that we had no where to go and we both had work today. . . who knows.
I have always had this desire to just leave. To leave everything I know behind me and to start anew or at least take a long break from life. . . to be able to go on a long road trip across the U.S. and see the sights and jam out to music and explore places you've never seen before. Adventure. That's what I desire. That's what keeps me feeling alive.

Monday, September 23, 2013

The Heart Can't Be Known

I find I always come back to this point. This point of utter loneliness. Where I lay in bed late at night and stare at the ceiling in the pitch darkness and feel this hole in my heart. Where I feel the feelings and pain of my life come flooding back into my heart, mind, and soul. And nothing ever brings it upon me. Nobody causes it to happen. It happens of it's own accord but I still find myself coming back to this point none-the-less. And I often wonder why. Have I never truly come to terms with or resolved my pain in life? Have I never truly acknowledged everything that has happened? No. I believe I have come to terms with all of it. But then why does it still all come back at times? Is it because it is pain and it never truly leaves you. . . but instead haunts you for the rest of your life? No one can ever make it go away. . . many think if they were simply with me, it would all go away but that's not true. It comes and goes of it's own decision. . . it is it's own creature. And I know I'm not alone in my life. I know there are people who care about me. These feelings just seem to haunt my every being and never seem to leave. . . like a bad dream or a disturbing experience.

This reminds me of another one of my favorite songs. To Fight is To Lose by Mia Dyson.
She says:

But love it can’t keep anyone
From being alone, the heart can’t be known.
Love I’m falling…

And honestly I find that the times these feelings arise the most is when I am the happiest. It's as if I try to self-destruct myself or destroy my own life unconsciously. . . I find that the days I have the most fun and am the happiest are the very nights that I am the most depressed and sad. I find it is a cycle. One that is upside-down and inside-out. It is turned around and crazy. It is weird and makes no sense. But then again. . . when does anything ever make sense? I told my boyfriend that there were times in my life where I felt as if I was always going to be alone and would never have the happiness one has when they share their life and heart with another and honestly. . . Now I know that was all wrong because I am happy now with him. . . but these nights are the times when those thoughts of being forever alone come back to me. When I get that feeling deep in my soul that I know I will be alone; that nothing will work out and I just need to give up sooner rather then later. And I hate that this comes to mind. I am so happy with him and I have finally allowed myself to begin to feel for him but then these feelings and thoughts come up and I hear this stupid voice in my head telling me to give up and that he's not the one and no one will ever be the one. And I don't want to listen to it but sometimes I find myself listening to it. And I know it is my own self-destructive behaviors creeping up again. I find I often like to cause myself emotional pain. . . why? because I think for the longest time that's all I ever felt and so now, that's all I ever know how to deal with and cope with. . . it's all I've ever known. I don't know how to respond to positive emotions so I unconsciously try and push myself back to a place I understand and am familiar with, despite the fact it's the very place where I am in the most pain.
I hate that I do this. . . but maybe by coming to understand this I can combat it and turn it around and maybe eventually I will be able to win this battle over and against myself. Maybe one day I can come to terms with who I am and allow myself to be truly happy for once. One day.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Set Your Old Heart Free

Why does it seem as if in my life I was never pursued by guys but then suddenly in the last year it was as if I have been swarmed by them. I swear I have had more guys on me this year than I have in my entire life. It's almost like a disease or a swarm of bees. (Not saying guys are a disease. . .) It's more like a nuisance. I was asked out again last night by one of my coworkers. At first I thought he was kidding and then I realized he wasn't. . . I was shocked and didn't know what to say. Honestly. . . I was more shocked in the way he did it not that he did it. Looking at the conversations we have been having over the past few weeks, I could tell we had a strong emotional attachment growing. He just like straight out asked me. What surprised me a little was the fact that he also knew I have a boyfriend but then I remembered something he told me not too long ago, "guys don't care if a girl has a boyfriend or not. If they want her, they will pursue her." I found it insignificant at the time but now I see what he meant by that. The answer I gave him was obviously no but he didn't let it go easily. I did have to work with him again today and I have to say. . . it actually wasn't too bad. He came into work and seemed a little quiet and I asked him if he was okay and he said he was good but we didn't talk very much today. Which is odd being that we normally are always talking to each other. He was also being a little mean today which he does whenever he's not in a good mood. I wasn't necessarily in the best mood today either having gotten barely any sleep last night and just being emotionally wrecked. Today wasn't the best day.
I just find it interesting that all of a sudden it seems as if I have a new guy hitting on me or asking me out every other if not every week. . . and honestly it makes me think. I am completely different then who I was last year and I wonder if that has anything to do with all of this. I find I am a lot less naive and innocent then I was and I find very little things awkward anymore. I like to think I'm more confident in who I am but at the same time I find I don't seem to know who I am anymore. I feel more vulnerable then I have in my entire life yet at the same time I feel the most excitement. I like to think about who I was last year and if I was that person again, if these things would keep happening. I don't have an answer to that question and I have no idea if it would be a yes or no. . . it's just something I tend to wonder about.

I've been thinking recently about my heart. Yes. My heart. I've actually had this thought weighing really heavily on my mind this last week. Why is it that when I start a relationship with someone do I always take small steps? Why do I daintily touch the water and step each foot in carefully instead of jumping with both feet in? And I think I have come to a conclusion, at least a partial one. I have been hurt so much in my life that I find I am scared when it comes to letting go and taking a risk. I have had my heart ripped out, torn in two, smashed into bits, stomped on, spit on, and ground into the ground. I am scared of potentially getting hurt again. And I find this has affected my life in many ways.
1) In the way I choose people I'm interested in. I have only ever been in relationships with people who I don't ever have to give my whole heart to. And the way I do this is by choosing people I feel like I can manipulate or control. (Part of this may also come from being taken advantage of by an ex boyfriend my freshman/sophomore year of high school). I also find I choose people who I won't see very often. Every person I've had a thing with or dated I saw maybe once a week or less and one person I didn't even see for 7 months. I think I did this to distance myself from having to deal with confrontations physically with them. I also tended to choose guys who weren't as physically strong as me or were just as strong. Again I think this was so I could feel powerful and in control of the situations and my life. . .

2) It affects my life by the way I react and respond around people. I don't trust people. I really don't trust people. I'm always very wary about what I share, knowing full well that it could be taken and spun into something that could end up hurting me down the road. I am very wary of doing things with people too, especially if I don't have some sort of control over the situation such as I'm driving or I know where we are going, etc. I am afraid of being taken advantage of or being put in a situation where I feel vulnerable.

3) It affects how I open up to people. I only share certain things with people. Things I know can't be used against me. I never truly open up my heart or mind fully, other wise I know it is potentially setting me up to be taken advantage of (a reoccurring fear obviously).

And I laugh because I am so unsure of my current relationship. . . why? Because he destroys every single one of the defense mechanisms I use. He knows me well enough that he knows when I try to manipulate him, he can read me, he knows my feelings, he knows when I'm not okay, I'm not in control of anything he says or does, he opens up to me and wants me to be open with him, he trusts me and wants me to trust him. And at the same time as unsure I am around him, I feel safe. It's a weird feeling I have never felt. I feel vulnerable and in danger but at the same time safe. And I think it's because I know I can't manipulate and I have no control over anything he chooses to do, but at the same time I know he respects me and is a gentleman and treats me kindly. But I find this is affecting my feelings towards him. I want to feel for him but at the same time I find I pull away because I am unsure. So very unsure. Ok. . . I'm just going to say it. I'm afraid of commitment and by that I mean full and deep commitment. I'm afraid to put my heart on the line again. To take the chance of it getting hurt again. I love being around him and he just makes me happy. Like tonight. . . we literally were laughing the whole time together. And over some of the stupidest things. But either way. . . He is such an enjoyment to be with and I'm lucky to have met him and have him in my life. But, I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I have come to the point where I want to enjoy this time of my life with him and I want to enjoy each moment in the present and I want to allow myself to have these feelings for him but at the same time those fears come into my mind. Those fears of "what if you get hurt again?", "what if you end up wasting your time on him?", "is he really the right person for you?", "what if you end up hurting him?", "what if you meet someone better?". . . . . all those fears come into my head and I hate that. But then I have nights like tonight that just push every single one of those fears out of my mind. I enjoy every second with him and I can't help but smile when I look at him. Where I get to see another one of the many different sides to him and learn to like them all the same. And these are the times I love. To be able to forget everything. To forget all the pain, my past, the sadness, the stress, the anxiety, the disappointment, and the unknown for once; to be able to experience the present as I am living it. . . not to be wishing for better days ahead but to be enjoying each and every second and minute. The time seems to fly by so fast when I do this but it is worth every minute. And I know he feels the same. And honestly. . . that's what makes it so much better. I am learning to love his touch and his smile and his kisses, for I am beginning to miss them when we are apart. And this is what I want. I want to be able to allow myself to miss him and to feel these feelings towards him without having these insecurities from my past rise up. They have affected my life in so many different ways that I am done. I am sick and tired of them not allowing me to experience life and feelings and emotions. I am sick of having a brick wall around my heart and I am sick of feeling empty and emotionless and unresponsive.
Honestly I love music (as you have probably already noticed). Here is a song that really honestly explains my situation . . . .
It's called Hello My Old Heart by The Oh Hello's

Hello, my old heart.
How have you been?
Are you still there inside my chest?
I've been so worried, you've been so still. . . 
barely beating at all.

Oh, don't leave me here alone.
Don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while.
Oh, I don't want to be alone.
I want to find a home, and I want to share it with you.

Hello, my old heart.
It's been so long, since I've given you away.
Every day I add another stone,
to the walls I've built around you,
to keep you safe.

Oh, don't leave me here alone.
Don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while.
Oh, I don't want to be alone.
I want to find a home and I want to share it with you.

Hello, my old heart.
How have you been?
How is it, being locked away?
Don't worry in there.
You're safe and it's true you'll never beat.
But you'll never break.

Because nothing lasts forever.
Some things aren't meant to be.
But you'll never find the answers until you set your old heart free.
Until you set your old heart free.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Music Speaks Those Unspoken Words

This morning was an interesting morning and I think I realized a few things. It was a cold morning yet the sun was still shining. It was one of the obvious fall days where you know winter is shortly around the corner. I was driving the school with my best friend and we were discussing how much of an impact music can have on one's feelings. I decided to show her an example of the bond two people can share with music by showing her The Civil Wars. It was a gorgeous song and the light of the sun shown in and bounced off of mirrors, metal objects, and anything else that dances with light. It just gave me this renewed love for music and life. I felt my soul stir as I remembered the days when I would uninhibitedly jump up and down while listening to music, would get so excited over playing classical music, would have ideas appear in my head for chords and melodies for pieces of music I was composing, and the times I would have no other desire than to sit at the piano and write music or learn a new complicated piece on my french horn. Music is my soul and my life. It allows me to feel so much; to feel more than I would with or through anything else in my life. Music speaks the words of my soul. . . those words that can be uttered in no other way. It speaks the feelings that have no description. It communicates clearer and more precisely than I will ever be able to in my life.
Those feelings this morning gave a small jump start to my barely beating soul and gave me this hope that things will get better. It reminded me of the things in life I enjoy and it reminded me to actually pursue those enjoyments. It has been over a month since I have sat down and played piano. . . since I have sat down and studied a piece of Mozart or other music. . . since I sat down and just took in the sun on my face, breathed in the wind, and listened to the sounds of nature.
Is it weird that when I listen to music that I picture far away places or situations in my life? Is it weird that sometimes I see colors race through my mind as I listen to music?
I told my friend this morning that when you find someone who appreciates music as you do, you tend to create this instant bond. This bond that is not relational, physical, or mental; but instead is emotional to depths unknown by anyone else. It is a bond that is unexplainable. It is a bond shared by two people who have experienced a depth and soul gripping emotion that only those who have experienced it can understand. . .
I really have this hope that everyone, at some point in their life, will have a chance to experience this feeling. It is a feeling that never leaves you for as long as you live and gives way to an opportunity to experience life in a new way.
Music. Such a blessing in life. What would we ever do without it?

Sunday, September 15, 2013

An Adventure is My Desire, A Journey is What I Need

This week has been beyond busy. There are no words in the human language to explain how busy I have been with school, work, and sleep, and I would even throw in "having a social life" into the mix. I don't know how I am keeping my eyes open anymore. Caffeine and no down time in the day is what I would say is keeping me going. I came to the point last night where my boyfriend took one look at me and replied "you look like you are going to pass out. you're tired." I was like no shit. I close my eyes for one minute and I find myself drifting off. 5 hours of sleep a night for the past 3 weeks isn't necessarily a good thing.
It honestly doesn't help that because of the fact that I've had little sleep and almost no time to myself that I am emotionally drained and emotionally susceptible. I find myself having moments where all I want to do is cry, yell at someone, or go hide in a corner. I find myself becoming more and more easily depressed. I find that all I want to do anymore is leave. I just want to go sit in nature and forget everything and everyone. I don't want to have to deal with people, homework, school, or work. I just want to be alone, in the woods, by a river or lake, listening to music, writing, and just sitting there thinking. I'm sick of my life and I'm sick of being so damn busy all the time. Ok. . . I should rephrase that. I like being busy. I really do. It's better than being bored. I'm just sick of my life. I feel as if life is this monotonous, dull, straight road. It has no ups and downs, no bends or sharp turns, nothing in the way. It's boring. I feel as if everything I do has no end goal to it. It just is. I just am. I exist. I exist and am alive but am not living.
I apologize that this is so depressing but like I said. . . I'm tired so therefore depressed and have a need to rant.
I had a nice conversation yesterday at work though with my co-worker. He honestly truly gets where I am coming from because he's in the same boat. And truthfully, it's nice to know I'm not alone in my life. I'm not the only one who thinks this way or who finds themselves with these same feelings. We both feel like for the past few years of our lives we never knew what we wanted to do. We were afraid to actually take a look inward and ask ourselves what it was that we wanted and so we turned to others. We helped others with their future, we provided for others, and we aided them. Yet then it has come to the point where all these people have moved on and we are still here with absolutely no idea of what to do. . . with the same boring monotonous life. . . . we both feel as if we have nothing to lose and nothing holding us down. I feel as if I could drop my entire life and move somewhere different. In fact, I know I could. I have nothing to lose. I honestly could just drop my entire life and pick up and leave. Yes it may hurt at times and it may suck at first but in reality I know it would be better for me. . . I know that it would give me an adventure, a problem to solve, a chance to breath, an opportunity to start anew, a chance to live- to stop regretting my life and decisions.
Though then I sit here and think . . . it's all just wishful thinking on my part. As much as I would love to do that I know I would never be able to. . . and it would probably never happen, well in the next 2 years at least.
Either way. I know I'm stuck here. But then that reminds me of this good quote by Douglas Adams.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” 

As much as I want to leave and as much as I wish to get away, I believe the place I am right now is the place I need to be. For how long? I don't know. But I do know that it won't be forever. I just hope that one day I will be able to look back on this time in my life and be glad it happened and remember how much I learned from it. 

Sunday, September 8, 2013

And Now I Cling to What I Knew

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

~ After the Storm by Mumford & Sons

I feel like I have come to a point where. . . I have no other thoughts about life. I was at work today and happened to see one of my friends who I haven't talked to or seen in quite a while. He was a good friend of mine this summer and someone I hung out with a lot. We kinda chatted a little bit and caught up but then we got on the topic of the other people we used to hang out with. . . honestly. This past summer seems so long ago. It was a summer of adventure and discovery and fun, carefree times. It is a time that I will always cherish in my heart and mind and will acknowledge as a time where I discovered my inner spirit and what I truly valued in life. But talking to this friend tonight I had a sudden overwhelming sense of loneliness, longing, and bitter-sweetness. I felt lonely because I realized that that group of 7 of us were to never be how we used to be. Some of us left for college, others of us just drifted onto another path and still others of us have found we are stuck here and don't know what to do with our lives. I felt a longing because I missed the love we all shared for each other and I missed the only time in my life I ever felt like I belonged where I felt accepted for who I was and I wasn't judged when I didn't know the right answer or said the wrong thing. I felt bitter-sweetness because we shared many times together. We shared good and bad times; times of learning and times of adventure. We experienced many new, illegal, fun, and adventurous things together. We began to understand things about ourselves and we shared them with each other. Some may say we grew up together.
Part of me feels like a chapter of my life is beginning to close and I think seeing that friend tonight really confirmed to me that that chapter has closed. And it honestly. . . it saddened me. I felt such an aching sadness within my soul. But then I came to realize that that chapter was instrumental to creating who I am today and who I am now. I would not be the same person I am today if it wasn't for the past 7 months.
And then part of me felt fear. I will admit it. . . I am afraid. I am fearful. I know there is a new chapter that is beginning to open in my life and I am terrified about what it is going to bring and who it is going to leave behind and who it is going to bring into my life and where it will lead me. As of right now I have no idea what to expect or what to think but I know that soon I will be in the midst of this chapter.
I think this is where I need to remember to live each moment like it's my last. To embrace the time I'm in and not wish for better days ahead. I need to be happy with where I am and what is happening now. . . for this past chapter I spent most of it hoping and wishing for better days I thought were going to happen. But then they didn't happen and I now feel like I wasted this last year of my life not living my days to the fullest. I need to keep reminding myself that life isn't a race. It isn't meant to rush through to the end. It is meant to enjoy every second of every minute of every hour of every day. . .
I find it interesting to look back on your life and think. . . and relive all the days that stand out to you. . . that made an impact on you. . . and wonder who you would be today if those things would have never happened. A different person. That's who I would be. A much. different. person.....

Thursday, September 5, 2013

It Came Down with a Crash

Everything really seemed to just come down tonight. Everything. And when I say everything. . . I mean everything. I was in the shower when suddenly everything came down. All the emotions flooded into my being and everything hit me. Everything from the last year. I had this sudden overwhelming feeling of despair. . . of sadness over all the loss, anger over injustice, confusion over situations, and shame over my actions. I felt everything that I wish I had been feeling this last year. I realized how lost and how broken I really am. How, no matter how much of a front I put up, I am falling apart on the inside. And during the midst of bawling my eyes out and trying to stay standing, I felt a tug on my heart. I felt this sudden need to reconnect; to reconnect spiritually. To reconnect with my true self and with God. I felt this tug on my heart telling me that nothing will get better until I fully surrender to him. I have spent so much of this last year running. Running from him and all that I knew he was going to do with my life. And honestly I think I did that because I wanted to "live". To have "fun" and experience "life". I was afraid of the true adventure I knew he would offer me. I ran because I knew it was going to be hard and I wasn't ready for that. I felt the tug on my heart tonight. . . to come back to him and to embrace who I really am and not who I've been.
I felt this sudden clear knowledge in the midst of the overwhelming mix of emotions. I knew what I had to do. I know what I have to do. Now it is just having the strength to do it and the perseverance to not turn away now. . . not turn away yet again. I need to turn my life around and leave this path of destruction I have been going down. This path of constant confusion, pain, and harm. I need to begin to embrace the person I was always meant to be. I need to begin to live. To actually live and not just exist.
Yes, a lot of things are still very confusing for me but as of right now one thing is clear. That is to reconnect. To accept the love and peace offered to me by my one true friend. And then maybe, just maybe, the clouds will begin to clear and things will finally come into sight.

Everything That Kills me Makes me Feel Alive

So that friend that kissed me on Friday. . . . well I guess you can say we are kind of dating now. Honestly I actually have such mixed feelings about this relationship. . . like I don't know what to think. I really like the lyrics from the song Counting Stars by OneRepublic that say

I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

It is just something that I really resonate with right now. I am a mix of so many feelings. I have so many thoughts. Part of me is glad I am going forward with this relationship. He makes me happy when I'm with him and I love hanging out with him. He's respectful, funny, understanding. Yet then I have another part of me. A part of me that thinks this isn't something I should be doing. And I don't know if it's my own reservations or if it's just me listening to one of my friend's biased and not so good opinion of him. Then I have yet another part of me that doesn't know what to think. My life has been flipped upside down from what it was last year and I don't even seem to know who I am anymore. Everything that has been killing me is exactly what makes me feel alive. Everything I have been doing has been killing me emotionally, mentally, and physically, and yet at the same time I have never felt so alive. Every decision I've made I know isn't right but they all feel right to me. Every time I am forced to behave in a "right" and "innocent" way, I just feel out of place. I don't feel like it's me or who I really am or what I should be doing. And this is one of the reasons why I don't know if I should be in this relationship or not because honestly. . . I'm a flirt. A huge flirt and not one of those annoying girls who are like all giddy and laugh a lot and act stupid. I just flirt. But in reality. . . I feel like I'm not really the type that wants to be in a relationship. Like I do but I don't. I like the friends with benefits situations and flirtatious relationships. Dating relationships bore me. . . where is the fun in that? It just gives me so much more to worry about. Flirting doesn't require any effort or commitment. Why be in a committed, restraining relationship when you can get it all already? That is something I really am struggling with.

And surprisingly another thing I am wrestling with is my religion. And not necessarily what I believe but more why I believe what I believe and why I am choosing to live this way and follow these ways. Everything I once believed in several years ago doesn't seem as important to me as it used to be. . . and honestly this scares me. It terrifies me. I don't know what to do or think. It scares me to think that the very things I held the closest to me are now the very things I am questioning. But at the same time I know that if I go through with ignoring these things I will feel guilty and bad about doing it later on. . . or will I? I have no idea anymore. I don't seem to know where I stand and I am getting so many different opinions and views from people. I honestly am so sick of being different from others, that I'm also afraid that that need and desire to be accepted has led me to this questioning attitude.

I really need to take time to self-examine and reflect on my life and decide what it is that I truly want and what I am to do with my life. . .