Thursday, March 6, 2014

Everything Changes so Quickly

Life changes so much in such a short amount of time. It is something that we can never truly predict but the very same thing we call mundane or boring. Life wasn't anything I expected it to be when I was a child. You grow up. . . I grew up. And I realized the way you may view something as a child takes on an entirely different meaning when you're older. I realized the very people I thought I knew, I really didn't. And how much they can change over the course of even just a year. I've realized I don't know what I believe or think anymore. The few sure foundations I had in my life have either turned their back on me or gone down a track completely opposite of me. Life is something that confuses me and I've realized that in the last few weeks I have fallen back right into the old thinking and old feelings that I was stuck in for years and promised myself I would never go back to. I have begun to see (again) no light at the end of the tunnel. I have begun to see that I truly have no plan for my life and I have begun to see that everything I thought I knew was a lie. I have begun to have no hope of a better life because everywhere I look there is pain, disease, death, crying, weeping, and loneliness. I've come to the point (again) where I just want to give up on life. Where I feel, that for once in my life, I am allowed to be selfish.

But at the same time I know that would be foolish. I have been there before and I have seen the outcome from that. Do I really want to deal with that hassle again?

I feel alone in life. I have no hope in life. I have lost friends. I have friends who have been corrupted. I have my own self questioning things and doing things I would have never thought I would have ever done. But in reality. It's not the acts that make me feel bad- it's the thought of what would everyone else think. When in reality that shouldn't bug me because they are who they are and their opinion of me doesn't matter. If they don't know me then why should they judge? But then I also think........ they probably wouldn't even find out, know, or care. I'm just afraid they will.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have lost hope in humanity. All hope. I have lost trust in the very people I used to trust with my life. I have watched as my few friends I have had in my life have slowly been torn away from me... little by little. And it saddens me. And I feel lost. I don't know what to do anymore except curl up in a blanket and cry and never come out again. Because honestly. . . that seems like the only solution.