Closure is a wonderful thing. A very, very, very, very, very wonderful thing. It is an amazingly beautiful thing.
This morning I had the ability to meet with an old friend of mine whom I haven't talked to in 4 years for coffee. Him and I had a falling out several years back leaving me heart broken, very depressed, in major amounts of pain, and distraught. We rehashed old things and discussed what really happened those few eventful years back. The beautiful thing was. . . it felt like we could just pick up right where we left off 4 years ago. I could cry as I write this thinking of how easy it was. How easy it was to laugh, to smile, to giggle, to reminisce with him again. How easy it was to chat about life. Even though we have no idea what has happened the last 4 years in each others lives, we picked up as if we had never stopped talking. This morning I couldn't stop smiling when I was with him. . . I couldn't. I couldn't help but think of all the fond memories I share of us and him and when we were so young. I heard from him how he had blotted out a lot of that time and so had I, but slowly. . . slowly but surely, we unsealed those envelopes long forgotten about and took a look at the pictures and letters within together. Honestly. . . when I first saw him my heart raced. I was so nervous. He waved at me and I about passed out. I didn't show it on the outside but I was a nervous wreck. And honestly. . .while we were talking it was awkward to rehash the past at first but he made it so easy to talk about and after awhile I looked at him and my heart just skipped a beat. I remembered the very reason why I loved him so deeply those few years back. I remembered the very reason I adored him and wanted no one else. But at the same time I looked at him and thought. . . it would never work now. As much as we get along, I feel like it would be weird to have a physical relationship with him. Our relationship has only ever been based on emotional and mental aspects. Never have we kissed. Never have we embraced dearly besides from a small hug. Never have we held hands. Never have we done any of that. And as nice as I think it would be, as weird as I know it would feel, I know it would never work. But then again my heart teases me with maybe that would come with time. . . but then my mind reminds me that he never loved me in that way and never will. But when he told me that he still had the letter I wrote him 2 years back, my heart skipped a beat again. I couldn't help but think why? But I know it had nothing to do with what my heart wished it had been. Love.
We ended up hanging out with him later tonight (we being my boyfriend, my best friend, and I). We went to the casino and then chilled at Perkins. It felt so right to hang out with him again. To laugh and talk. To playfully tease and bring up past events. When I jokingly touched his arm I suddenly felt a warm feeling within me. One I had not felt since he first left my life. But then I looked at my boyfriend who looked at me and I felt guilt. Guilt because my boyfriend has never had the pleasure of knowing I have felt that way with him. I love my boyfriend so much. Do not get me wrong on that. I do love him. We get along wonderfully and he is about everything I have ever wanted. I would want nothing more than to have those feelings I get with my friend with my boyfriend. I would love to have my heart skip a beat when I see, every time I see him and not just occasionally. But sadly. . . that's not how it is. And it saddens me that that is the case.
These feelings I describe are so confusing to me and probably also to you. I love my boyfriend by every sense of the word. I care deeply about my friend. I love my friend but in such a different way. I love my boyfriend in the way that I think about him so much and want to hang out with him all the time and I dream about him and I want to be with him and I would do a lot for him. But I love my friend in the way that I get the feelings of nervousness when I'm with him, I get the feeling of wanting to flirt with him, I have that feeling of love as in an emotional response with him. This may be because he had my heart first but at the same time I don't know. . . At the same time I know in the long run my boyfriend is the person I would rather be with. The person who has truly loved me and truly will. The person who would be the best for me. But at the same time I know some of my heart still belongs to my friend even though I know that it will never be reciprocated. And that saddens me. But it gives me hope having found closure with him today. To know he never hated me. To know that it was a major misunderstanding and to know that we can still talk so openly.
My heart has healing to do. But now I know he is not someone I can not come in contact with. I won't tear up at the sight of him. And he is no longer 'off limits'. It makes it so much easier and it makes me happy. It gives me peace of mind and peace of spirit. It makes me think that I have wasted so much time these past 4 years worrying about something that was a huge misunderstanding and I can honestly say that I have nothing to be sad about anymore. He was the major thing in my life but now. . . I feel as if nothing else remains. Grant it I have sad things that have happened and still are but he is the main thing that caused so much pain in my life. More than everything combined. And now that it is resolved. . . I don't even know what to think or where to begin. I feel more of a freedom. But not a rebellious, dark freedom as before. But a light, hopeful freedom. I have very little driving my dark sense of freedom and rebellion now. . . it's such a weird feeling. . . and I hate it. But I like it at the same time. I don't even know what to think or do or say right now. That is all. And I will leave it at that for tonight. Who ever would have thought. . . that this could have happened to me today. That this day could have existed and occurred. . . I'm so genuinely confused and I feel as if I'm dreaming. I feel as I did at the beginning of this summer. Change is occurring.
Monday, December 16, 2013
This I believe. I believe in the power of words and of love and forgiveness. Having been raised in a loving Baptist home, I was accustomed to hearing the messages of forgiveness, mercy, love, and compassion though I never truly understood what they meant. This past year I have struggled and faltered with the questions I had regarding these things. What truly is love and what truly is forgiveness? I was in a verbally abusive relationship not too many years back and having watched my father watch it occur and choose to say nothing about it caused me to lose just about all my trust in men. This summer I decided to be mean and manipulative back to them- having toyed with several of them at once. At first I felt in control but something inside me ached with the pain and knowledge that this wasn’t right. Many things brought upon this ache that summer. I did many things I told myself I would never do. Yet, something inside of me also questioned. . . why did I say I would never do those things? Were they truly my own choice? And it really came down to no. I was taught they were right and wrong things but then I questioned is that truly love? But anyways. When I came to realize this my ache went away with a lot of the things I did but the one things it always stayed for was the very thing that was harming others in the process. It eventually came to a halt when I took my full revenge on my ex-boyfriend. I led him on, let him cheat on his girlfriend with me, and then told her. I knew full well he still “loved” me regardless of the way he had treated me in the past and I used that to my advantage. But afterwards I felt horrible. I knew what I had done was not beneficial. It was not kind. It was revenge. It hurt him but it also hurt me. It consumed my mind, my time, and I didn’t care about the needs and values of others. I realized what forgiveness was in that moment and I realized what love was that moment. Love is warnings and shared experiences. Love isn’t fear or threats. Forgiveness is truly letting go resentment and not harboring bitterness. I believe in the power small words can have. . . small words such as I forgive you or will you forgive me or even I love you. I believe words are a way to present our thoughts and feelings to the world and unite us closer with each fellow human being. After that past summer I met a wonderful guy and we started dating. He has slowly been teaching me what love really is and what it entails. He has also been teaching me how to forgive and ask for forgiveness. I went back not too long ago to apologize to my ex-boyfriend. I asked for forgiveness and told him I forgive him for everything. I also am soon meeting with an old friend from 5years ago soon to talk about the past and tell him I forgive him. This understanding of what is love and what is forgiveness has also come about from my deeper and richer understanding of God and through the questions I have asked. I came to realize that what I used to think was love is not love but control. I came to see that the love reflected by my boyfriend is the love reflected to me by God. I came to realize that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial and regardless of our choices (whether they be right or wrong to the world), I am still loved by the one who calls me child.
Love is kindness, mercy, forgiveness, knowing when to let someone make their own decision, a desire to understand, honest, and patient. I believe in love and the power of it.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Everything seems to be slowing down now that the first snowfall has been completed. Snow seems to have that calming effect on people. Yesterday when we the first few inches fluttered to the ground in what some may refer to as a mini blizzard, everything seemed to calm. . . become quiet and serene. It’s as if the world comes to a halt. The world moves slower. . . whether that be from the fact people drive slower to prevent from swerving and spinning out, or whether that be from dreams, memories, and experiences now slowly becoming covered by the white layer of cold, I don’t know. Nor do I understand. Nor do I really want to. To me, the changing of seasons brings about a new chapter of life- the closing of one chapter and the beginning of a new. With the first snowfall comes an understanding of the world in a new light. People slow down. . . they watch as this past year comes to an end and is covered and buried deep, deep down in the hole of picture books and archives, to occasionally be taken out only when the time is right or they want to remember with a smile and a laugh and a fondness of the times of long ago.
I watch as this snow brings an end to a life I can honestly say I am glad I have lived and experienced. As I put away memories into my archive, I slowly relive each one; some with a fondness so sweet and gentle and some with a desire to never experience that again. But each type bring about an appreciation of my life and the things I have been able to experience.
Today in class we discussed gratitude and the things that go along with that. It reminded me of something someone told me once; to stop thinking of the days to come and instead live in the present and appreciate the here and now. Gratitude is something in which I desire to practice more and something I desire to become a part of my everyday life. In the video we watched by Louie Schwartzberg, he discussed being glad you’re alive- how when you begin to look at life around you. . . the faces of the people around you. . . the clouds and the flowers. . . you begin to see a world in which life is valued. In which life is celebrated and only when you open your eyes do you truly see the world around you and can feel grateful for the life you’ve been given. This struck me because having dealt with depression throughout my life I have always had this desire to know and believe life is what I want instead of death. And from watching that video I understood that there is so much about life that makes it better than anything else and makes it something I truly should want.
Our teacher had us eat 3 raisins today. This may sound weird at first but the practice was amazingly beneficial. The 1st raisin he told us to eat as we would normally. The 2nd raisin he told us to focus on the aspects of it. To focus on the texture and the taste and how it changes. To be aware of the process it takes to eat this raisin. The 3rd raisin he told us to stop. To think of all the things that went into making this raisin. That the Buddhists believe that everything is apart of each other. Sunlight went into the creation of the raisin, nutrients from the soil, water, care all went into this raisin. To think when you eat this raisin that you are consuming everything that has contributed to making it what it is.