Saturday, August 31, 2013

Another Kiss, Another Guy

The game has ended. Or has it? That is a question that I am posing and contemplating tonight. You're probably wondering what game. . . the game I have been playing all summer with one of my guy friends. We are kinda both known as people who are teases basically... and we are mutual friends with the guy who kissed me the other day so it's a bit tight of a situation. We are like really close and flirted all the time. But our relationship was odd. We both can and could read each other so well so that neither of us could play the other. We would sneak out together yet do nothing but talk, we would flirt innocently, we would be completely normal around our other friends, and all my good friends think I think he's a creep. We talked a ton and we both played a game; we both had a front to keep up, a reputation to uphold. We played a silent game with each other and whoever was the first to fall for the other lost. It was an unspoken game. Tonight I went to his 2nd cousin's wedding with him. We had planned before to act as if we were dating to play a joke on some people there. It did work. But he was being super close and clingy and I knew there was more going on. Especially when he kissed my head and my arm. I actually had first instincts there was more going on when we chatted last night on the phone about our friend who kissed me the other day. I brought up how our relationship was interesting because we were both flirty but had no interest in dating and he paused and then was like "really? because I could date you if you weren't so much like me. We are so similar that it would be like dating myself but like I don't think it's not possible." I didn't really know what to say and I played it off but that was when I knew I was winning. He was falling for me. But honestly, I have been fighting feelings for him for a while because of his history with one of my friends and his reputation. Anyways. Tonight he kept giving me that look. You know the look. . . the one where you know they want to kiss you. I kept avoiding it and would turn away and he would laugh and say that I was fighting it and I jokingly said he wished I was fighting it because I knew he wanted to kiss me so badly. At the end of the night he walked me to my car. Honestly, we had both been trying so hard that night to not give into anything. And I laughed and told him that if one of us gave in then the game would be over. I said whoever made the first move would have lost and that was why we both fought to not make the first move. We seriously acted like little 12 year olds and beat around the bush for so long until I actually called us out. I said we needed to be honest and that's when he confessed his feelings. He said he did like me and had fallen for me. And he said the game was over and I was like is it? And he said well you need to be honest and I said well I honestly don't know how I feel. Which is true. I rationally over think everything and I knew that if I committed to an answer then it would get even more confusing especially with our other friend who kissed me. Anyways, I said I wasn't going to initiate anything even if given the chance because I'm just not like that and then he said well was this the initiation you were looking for? And he leaned over and kissed me. I kissed him back and we literally made out right there in the parking lot. And to be honest. . . it felt good. Eventually we did chill out a little bit and I told him I really did have to go because I work early tomorrow morning (but now I'm like writing this but whatever xD). Well then I said "no one is to know about this (referring to our friends)" and he said no one. And I was like seriously no one. And he said no one and then kissed me again and I was like I have to go and he said one more? And I was like sure and we kissed again and then I eventually got him off of me and as he was about to leave he was like "that sure didn't feel like 'I don't know' to me" and I just looked at him and then he said good night and walked away.
After that, I left thinking oh my God. What the fuck did I just do? I just made my situation so much more complicated. And I'm still sitting here thinking that I have no fucking idea what is going on anymore. And I feel like I'm becoming such a different person, especially from the person I was last summer. . . It is so easy for me to play people and cut off my emotions. It is so easy for me to not care about anything and to go along with just about anything. That is definitely not what I would have been like last year. At. All. But now I don't even know what to think anymore. . . Especially after tonight. I just made everything more complicated. I had a thing with the guy who kissed me a couple days ago and now I just went and made out with his best friend.

But to add more drama on top of this, the guy who kissed me a couple days ago is apparently going out with another girl on a date next week and he does like her. Which means he lied to my face. I even told him that that wasn't okay. He was then honest with me and told me he's confused right now and thinks he likes this other girl. And I honestly don't know what to do right now. I feel like it would break his heart even more to find out me and his best friend have been hiding all this behind his back for a while now and then just made matters worse tonight. But where do my feelings lie you may ask? My feelings. . . those are so complicated. Especially since I got fucked over by my "ex" like almost 2 months ago. I feel as if I have no heart to give. I feel as if I have no emotions within me to let out. I don't like this friend who kissed me a couple days ago. At one point I thought I might a little and again after he kissed me but honestly, I know now that I never really had feelings for him and more just liked the attention he gave me. I just don't know how to tell him that. . . though I do think he is beginning to see he ruined his chances with me and hopefully this won't end horribly. He did actually apologize to me last night about kissing me. . . Well so what about this guy tonight you're probably wondering? Well. . . I don't know. I do actually like him a little but at the same time I honestly feel like I have no emotions to give and I have no feelings at all. I feel like I have been hurt so much that I have hidden my heart away and have learned how to control and lock away my feelings quite well. The last few times I allowed myself to feel, I got fucked over. First by my first love/best friend who went for my other friend and then told me he didn't want to have anything to do with me, secondly by my old ex boyfriend who cheated on me, and thirdly by this recent guy who told me he just wanted to be friends and didn't want to do distance. So truthfully. . . I have no emotions about any of this and that's what kills me the most. I want to have feelings. I want to feel. I need to be guided by something and my mind is so overwhelmed at the moment that it has to be my heart but it is so damaged that it's incapable of doing anything at the moment.
Why can't there ever be an easy solution or one that is evidently the right one. . . ?

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

School and Drama

Well school started yesterday and honestly. . . I was already over the school year before I even set foot into the building. Yes, my classes are actually fun and interesting but I'm confused on why I ever thought it would be a good idea to take 3 psychology classes in one semester. It is going to be hell. So. much. homework. and it's only the second day of class. Oh goodness. . . to make matters worse. . . my life is drama. I swear it could be it's own soap opera or reality tv show. So. One of my friends who like hasn't talked to me in weeks but I knew liked me, I found out wasn't talking to me because he met another girl. Which I really didn't care. Well I saw him at school today and talked to him for the first time in a while. That's when he decided to confess his like for me and how he really likes me and not that other girl (when I brought her up) and how he was sorry he didn't talk to me and then he kissed me. Yes. He kissed me. Honestly. . . I didn't know what to think.  I was surprised, taken aback. Not by the fact he kissed me but more because it wasn't like I stopped him. I guess I am more surprised by my reaction than anything else. I still have no idea what to think.
On top of all that, this guy who was harassing me last fall decided he wanted to talk to me today. So that was interesting. He kept trying to get my attention and came and sat by me and my two friends and kept looking at me creepily and being weird. I was just like oh my goodness. . .
Also, on top of this, my best friend told me she's officially moving to Trinidad in a year and my other friend is moving to the Philippines in January.

I feel like so many people have plans for their life and I'm sitting over here like hey. I don't know anything. I am like at a complete loss of any direction in my life. Right now I feel like a car dangling over a cliff. I could either wait and be rescued or I could plummet to my death. I seem to just be taking life day by day and waiting for something to happen. I am so overwhelmed with life. All I know right now is that I got into the U for the spring and I will be going there. I know nothing else. I don't know where I'm living in the spring, I don't know what I'm doing right now besides go to school and go to work. I'm so confused and anxious and overwhelmed and I don't care about school anymore. I just want to sleep for a week. I hate growing up.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Beaten Path and Peace

Heading up north today. For those of you who don't live in Minnesota and don't know that lingo- I'm going to northern Minnesota today. The land of lakes, an overabundance of trees, and barely any human life for the miles in between each town of 200 or so people. It is the peaceful northern woods that many wish were more available then they are today. I love going up north and I'm excited to leave. North is something I will always miss about Minnesota if I ever leave. It's where you can wake up to deer walking across the paths in front of you and fall asleep to the darkness, crickets, and lonely cries of the loon. It's where, during the day, the only sounds you here are your families laughter and chatter, the crackle of the fire, the slamming of the wood screen door to the little wood cabin, and the birds chirping. You are surrounded by woods and lakes with nothing but a beaten path leading in and out, serving as the only road for miles. I love being in northern Minnesota, away from civilization. Yes, I'm an extrovert and love people, but at the same time I need to be alone. And not alone by myself in a locked closet in the dark. But alone, as in with the people I have grown up with who are there for every milestone in my life, up in nature with no distractions from the outside world. Yes we sometimes still argue, but then all I have to do is go for a walk by the lake where I am then given a chance to relax and take in the sun while listening to the wind and birds around me. It's so serene and something I love about Minnesota. It's even prettier around this time and later in the fall, when all the leaves begin to change. The horizon is filled with reds, oranges, yellows, browns, and the occasional green of a pine tree. The sky looks on fire all throughout the day. It's a vast array of color and it almost looks like a painting. . . as if someone took a paint brush and smeared colors across the horizon, connecting the ground with the sky, colors mingling together to form an intricate picture of beauty and perfection.

It's times like this that make me glad I'm alive; that make all the pain worth it. To see this beauty that is incomparable and almost unsurpassed. Without misery we would never truly understand nor appreciate beauty. They are negatives, yet they cannot exist without the other. It is like light and dark. Dark is the absence of light just as pain is the absence of heavenliness.

Those are my thoughts for the day. Now it is off to a long car ride slowly merging from freeway, to road, to dirt road, to beaten path, until we reach our destination and enjoy the beautiful week-end. Blessings.

Monday, August 19, 2013


Swimming at night has to be probably one of the most relaxing things in the world. The feel of the water's embrace on your skin as you become fully submerged in its abyss, the sound of the ripples and breaks of surface tension, the sound, while you lay on your back, of your own breath reverberating through your body, and the sight of nothing but the water in front and around you while you are completely engulfed in darkness. To be alone, undisturbed, and one with something is what relaxes me. It clears my mind and invites peace. . . distracts from all the craziness of life. The stress of new yet unchanging situations, the conflict between myself and others and the inner conflict with myself, the anger towards myself and my actions, the never ending depression. It all just vanishes and all that is left are feelings of nothing and utter silence. I could spend forever in the water. . . just sit there and never resurface. Never have to face the challenges of life again or experience the failures and negative feelings associated with it. But alas, that isn't an option. Time eventually pulls me out and back into reality. It breaks the dream-like trance and forces me to rejoin society. The water is refreshing and renewing. It is cleansing. For some reason when I'm sad, I only ever have one desire. To feel water on my body and to feel it as it drips down my face, merging and becoming one with my own tears. It makes me feel better. I laugh because as a child my parents always told me I was a fish- never wanting to get out of the water. I laugh now because I actually question that at times. I have such an unusual desire to be in water all the time. If I am near water, I am in it. It just has such a magical sense and mystery about it. It has no true beginning and no true ending. . . it is just there and goes where it pleases.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Long Time- No Write

Been a crazy busy couple weeks. Good news, though, is that I finally was able to get another job so I can finally quit this very minimum one I have right now. I'm super excited and I think it will be fun. Other than that, nothing new has been happening. I've just been getting ready for school to start. Which, in all honesty, I can't wait to start. I'm sick of feeling so unaccomplished and lazy. During the school year I'm always so motivated and organized and happy. Yes happy. You heard me right. I'm such an extrovert that I need to be around people everyday and that's why I love school. I love being around people. A day without people is like a month without food. It sucks. I feed off the energy of other people. I literally get more hyper and happy the more I'm with people. Grant it, there are days I need to be alone but they are few and far between. I'm sure there are others of you out there that can totally relate with me. Hell. I know there are others that can. Like 50% of the world is extroverted. . . actually I think it's a little more than that if I remember correctly from my personality psychology class last spring. Being extroverted just sucked for me as a kid, though, since I live in a house of all introverts. It was hell growing up. I would always want to go out and my family always wanted to stay in and I think all of you understand how hard it is for a child to take no for an answer. It was devastating. My whole little tiny world often got crushed by my family's desire to stay home and read or watch tv or sleep. I never understood them. . . and they never seemed to understand me. It was like I was an alien on another planet and they would often think something was wrong with me because I would never want to be alone for long periods of time like my brother did. I look back now and realize why I was so different and I can often laugh at a lot of the things from my past. Which I think is a good thing and something I am lucky to have.
But anyways. School starts in exactly 13 days and all I have left to do is go get more notebooks and pens. Other than that, I am set. I have to say that I am just really excited for my classes this semester- well not for the fitness class because I have this weird thing where I hate exercising with people. I find myself becoming very self-conscience and then I get nervous and my heart rate goes up and then I can't breathe and then I don't get as nearly of a good work out as I was hoping for. I tend to be very strange like that and sometimes I think there has to be a phobia for that. I have to say exercise is the only thing that I truly like to be alone doing. . . . well besides going to the bathroom. . . but hell. Who would want someone in the bathroom with you, watching you take a shit? That would be like the most awkward thing ever. I mean not only would the conversation just be awkward but so would the silences. . . oh goodness. I don't want to think about it.
Well my classes this semester are fitness, music theory, psychology of gender, psychology of religion, and forensic psychology and law. I'm so excited for my three psychology classes! Though I know this semester is going to be tough. Three psych classes. . . sometimes I think I like to torture myself. The amount of work in one psych class, let alone three, is going to be a lot. As well as working 30hour weeks, extracurriculars, and my two other classes. This will either be a really fun semester or one where I just wish I could go dig a hole somewhere and die in it. Either way, it's better than how my summer has been going- no where.
Well while typing this, I successfully ate an entire box of Reese's pieces. It was only 3 servings, but it was a lot and now I don't think I'm going to be hungry for dinner. No. I know I won't be hungry. I also drank two giant glasses of iced tea. Sometimes I amaze myself at how much I can eat. And right now I'm just not even going to look at the calorie count of all that because I really don't want to know. They tasted good and that's all I need to know. Hey, I went for a run this morning so I can just say they cancel each other out. ;)
Anyways, I suppose I should go finish some things and make myself useful.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Confusion: Natural Occurence or my own Self-Destructive Behavior?

It has been a few days. I apologize.

My "ex" wanted to meet for coffee today after I worked. I couldn't resist so I agreed. We just sat there for almost 2 hours and talked...

He kept smiling at me. He looked at me with those eyes... I know that look. It was a look of interest— complete and utter fascination. I even caught him staring at me while I went to go throw away my gum. I turned around and he quickly looked away. I smirked because I thought it was funny and ironic. He would smile and stare at me for absolutely no reason. He complimented me for the first time in a long time. . . he said he really liked the dress I was wearing and thought it looked nice. The whole time, he genuinely wanted to listen to everything I said, and he asked questions... lots of them. His eyes... they were filled with complete respect; even when he misunderstood something I said and got upset. He even got very quiet when I brought up something I had found out earlier in the week. That another one of my friends was interested in me.

You know. It's so different having him here. Like his actual body sitting across from me at a table; making funny faces when he thinks about things, drinking his coffee, staring and smiling, and laughing... oh his laugh. This is the first time we have been like this since before he got back. "This", as in carefree. . . laughing and talking; not giving a shit about anything else except each other.

I get so confused by him sometimes. He's so easy to read at times and then at others, I have absolutely no idea what to think. He told me he only wanted to be friends and nothing more yet he treats me as something much more. He touches me for no reason and flirts with me and then at other times, he seems to not want to be near me at all. He asks me to hang out and then a times tells me that we'll do something "on of these days" or if I "want to". He says he wants to do things and then seemingly makes excuses for why he can't. He pays for everything as much as I tell him not to. He's playing with my heart. He's the one guy I can't see to get under my thumb and I'm afraid that's what is keeping my attached.

I'm much too confused about all of this. I'm sick of him not being clear with me. I'm sick of him not fully deciding what he wants. . . to me he seems more confused than I am.

But then tonight, an old fling came back into my life. He called me out of the blue. I didn't know what to do or think. Obviously, my heart skipped a beat when this happened and I honestly hate that it did. . . Funny how when you think you are done with someone that they have a knack for showing back up, huh? I didn't know what to do and we made small talk for a while until I outright asked him why he decided to talk to me after so long of silence... he didn't know what to say.

I don't know why I put myself in these situations. Honestly. I really don't. Is it self-destructive behavior? Do I have a secret desire to cause a mental break in myself? Because it honestly seems like all the choices I make are designed to cause myself more stress or emotional pain, turmoil, or strain. Why do I allow myself to feel so many different ways towards so many different people? Why do I allow myself to lead on people when I have no good intentions and why do I allow myself to create distance between the people I truly want the closest to me...? Too many questions and not enough answers.

My world is so confusing. Maybe it's time for a break. . . Just what that break would be, I have no idea yet.