Saturday, August 31, 2013

Another Kiss, Another Guy

The game has ended. Or has it? That is a question that I am posing and contemplating tonight. You're probably wondering what game. . . the game I have been playing all summer with one of my guy friends. We are kinda both known as people who are teases basically... and we are mutual friends with the guy who kissed me the other day so it's a bit tight of a situation. We are like really close and flirted all the time. But our relationship was odd. We both can and could read each other so well so that neither of us could play the other. We would sneak out together yet do nothing but talk, we would flirt innocently, we would be completely normal around our other friends, and all my good friends think I think he's a creep. We talked a ton and we both played a game; we both had a front to keep up, a reputation to uphold. We played a silent game with each other and whoever was the first to fall for the other lost. It was an unspoken game. Tonight I went to his 2nd cousin's wedding with him. We had planned before to act as if we were dating to play a joke on some people there. It did work. But he was being super close and clingy and I knew there was more going on. Especially when he kissed my head and my arm. I actually had first instincts there was more going on when we chatted last night on the phone about our friend who kissed me the other day. I brought up how our relationship was interesting because we were both flirty but had no interest in dating and he paused and then was like "really? because I could date you if you weren't so much like me. We are so similar that it would be like dating myself but like I don't think it's not possible." I didn't really know what to say and I played it off but that was when I knew I was winning. He was falling for me. But honestly, I have been fighting feelings for him for a while because of his history with one of my friends and his reputation. Anyways. Tonight he kept giving me that look. You know the look. . . the one where you know they want to kiss you. I kept avoiding it and would turn away and he would laugh and say that I was fighting it and I jokingly said he wished I was fighting it because I knew he wanted to kiss me so badly. At the end of the night he walked me to my car. Honestly, we had both been trying so hard that night to not give into anything. And I laughed and told him that if one of us gave in then the game would be over. I said whoever made the first move would have lost and that was why we both fought to not make the first move. We seriously acted like little 12 year olds and beat around the bush for so long until I actually called us out. I said we needed to be honest and that's when he confessed his feelings. He said he did like me and had fallen for me. And he said the game was over and I was like is it? And he said well you need to be honest and I said well I honestly don't know how I feel. Which is true. I rationally over think everything and I knew that if I committed to an answer then it would get even more confusing especially with our other friend who kissed me. Anyways, I said I wasn't going to initiate anything even if given the chance because I'm just not like that and then he said well was this the initiation you were looking for? And he leaned over and kissed me. I kissed him back and we literally made out right there in the parking lot. And to be honest. . . it felt good. Eventually we did chill out a little bit and I told him I really did have to go because I work early tomorrow morning (but now I'm like writing this but whatever xD). Well then I said "no one is to know about this (referring to our friends)" and he said no one. And I was like seriously no one. And he said no one and then kissed me again and I was like I have to go and he said one more? And I was like sure and we kissed again and then I eventually got him off of me and as he was about to leave he was like "that sure didn't feel like 'I don't know' to me" and I just looked at him and then he said good night and walked away.
After that, I left thinking oh my God. What the fuck did I just do? I just made my situation so much more complicated. And I'm still sitting here thinking that I have no fucking idea what is going on anymore. And I feel like I'm becoming such a different person, especially from the person I was last summer. . . It is so easy for me to play people and cut off my emotions. It is so easy for me to not care about anything and to go along with just about anything. That is definitely not what I would have been like last year. At. All. But now I don't even know what to think anymore. . . Especially after tonight. I just made everything more complicated. I had a thing with the guy who kissed me a couple days ago and now I just went and made out with his best friend.

But to add more drama on top of this, the guy who kissed me a couple days ago is apparently going out with another girl on a date next week and he does like her. Which means he lied to my face. I even told him that that wasn't okay. He was then honest with me and told me he's confused right now and thinks he likes this other girl. And I honestly don't know what to do right now. I feel like it would break his heart even more to find out me and his best friend have been hiding all this behind his back for a while now and then just made matters worse tonight. But where do my feelings lie you may ask? My feelings. . . those are so complicated. Especially since I got fucked over by my "ex" like almost 2 months ago. I feel as if I have no heart to give. I feel as if I have no emotions within me to let out. I don't like this friend who kissed me a couple days ago. At one point I thought I might a little and again after he kissed me but honestly, I know now that I never really had feelings for him and more just liked the attention he gave me. I just don't know how to tell him that. . . though I do think he is beginning to see he ruined his chances with me and hopefully this won't end horribly. He did actually apologize to me last night about kissing me. . . Well so what about this guy tonight you're probably wondering? Well. . . I don't know. I do actually like him a little but at the same time I honestly feel like I have no emotions to give and I have no feelings at all. I feel like I have been hurt so much that I have hidden my heart away and have learned how to control and lock away my feelings quite well. The last few times I allowed myself to feel, I got fucked over. First by my first love/best friend who went for my other friend and then told me he didn't want to have anything to do with me, secondly by my old ex boyfriend who cheated on me, and thirdly by this recent guy who told me he just wanted to be friends and didn't want to do distance. So truthfully. . . I have no emotions about any of this and that's what kills me the most. I want to have feelings. I want to feel. I need to be guided by something and my mind is so overwhelmed at the moment that it has to be my heart but it is so damaged that it's incapable of doing anything at the moment.
Why can't there ever be an easy solution or one that is evidently the right one. . . ?

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