Thursday, September 5, 2013

Everything That Kills me Makes me Feel Alive

So that friend that kissed me on Friday. . . . well I guess you can say we are kind of dating now. Honestly I actually have such mixed feelings about this relationship. . . like I don't know what to think. I really like the lyrics from the song Counting Stars by OneRepublic that say

I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

It is just something that I really resonate with right now. I am a mix of so many feelings. I have so many thoughts. Part of me is glad I am going forward with this relationship. He makes me happy when I'm with him and I love hanging out with him. He's respectful, funny, understanding. Yet then I have another part of me. A part of me that thinks this isn't something I should be doing. And I don't know if it's my own reservations or if it's just me listening to one of my friend's biased and not so good opinion of him. Then I have yet another part of me that doesn't know what to think. My life has been flipped upside down from what it was last year and I don't even seem to know who I am anymore. Everything that has been killing me is exactly what makes me feel alive. Everything I have been doing has been killing me emotionally, mentally, and physically, and yet at the same time I have never felt so alive. Every decision I've made I know isn't right but they all feel right to me. Every time I am forced to behave in a "right" and "innocent" way, I just feel out of place. I don't feel like it's me or who I really am or what I should be doing. And this is one of the reasons why I don't know if I should be in this relationship or not because honestly. . . I'm a flirt. A huge flirt and not one of those annoying girls who are like all giddy and laugh a lot and act stupid. I just flirt. But in reality. . . I feel like I'm not really the type that wants to be in a relationship. Like I do but I don't. I like the friends with benefits situations and flirtatious relationships. Dating relationships bore me. . . where is the fun in that? It just gives me so much more to worry about. Flirting doesn't require any effort or commitment. Why be in a committed, restraining relationship when you can get it all already? That is something I really am struggling with.

And surprisingly another thing I am wrestling with is my religion. And not necessarily what I believe but more why I believe what I believe and why I am choosing to live this way and follow these ways. Everything I once believed in several years ago doesn't seem as important to me as it used to be. . . and honestly this scares me. It terrifies me. I don't know what to do or think. It scares me to think that the very things I held the closest to me are now the very things I am questioning. But at the same time I know that if I go through with ignoring these things I will feel guilty and bad about doing it later on. . . or will I? I have no idea anymore. I don't seem to know where I stand and I am getting so many different opinions and views from people. I honestly am so sick of being different from others, that I'm also afraid that that need and desire to be accepted has led me to this questioning attitude.

I really need to take time to self-examine and reflect on my life and decide what it is that I truly want and what I am to do with my life. . .

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