Everything really seemed to just come down tonight. Everything. And when I say everything. . . I mean everything. I was in the shower when suddenly everything came down. All the emotions flooded into my being and everything hit me. Everything from the last year. I had this sudden overwhelming feeling of despair. . . of sadness over all the loss, anger over injustice, confusion over situations, and shame over my actions. I felt everything that I wish I had been feeling this last year. I realized how lost and how broken I really am. How, no matter how much of a front I put up, I am falling apart on the inside. And during the midst of bawling my eyes out and trying to stay standing, I felt a tug on my heart. I felt this sudden need to reconnect; to reconnect spiritually. To reconnect with my true self and with God. I felt this tug on my heart telling me that nothing will get better until I fully surrender to him. I have spent so much of this last year running. Running from him and all that I knew he was going to do with my life. And honestly I think I did that because I wanted to "live". To have "fun" and experience "life". I was afraid of the true adventure I knew he would offer me. I ran because I knew it was going to be hard and I wasn't ready for that. I felt the tug on my heart tonight. . . to come back to him and to embrace who I really am and not who I've been.
I felt this sudden clear knowledge in the midst of the overwhelming mix of emotions. I knew what I had to do. I know what I have to do. Now it is just having the strength to do it and the perseverance to not turn away now. . . not turn away yet again. I need to turn my life around and leave this path of destruction I have been going down. This path of constant confusion, pain, and harm. I need to begin to embrace the person I was always meant to be. I need to begin to live. To actually live and not just exist.
Yes, a lot of things are still very confusing for me but as of right now one thing is clear. That is to reconnect. To accept the love and peace offered to me by my one true friend. And then maybe, just maybe, the clouds will begin to clear and things will finally come into sight.