I find I always come back to this point. This point of utter loneliness. Where I lay in bed late at night and stare at the ceiling in the pitch darkness and feel this hole in my heart. Where I feel the feelings and pain of my life come flooding back into my heart, mind, and soul. And nothing ever brings it upon me. Nobody causes it to happen. It happens of it's own accord but I still find myself coming back to this point none-the-less. And I often wonder why. Have I never truly come to terms with or resolved my pain in life? Have I never truly acknowledged everything that has happened? No. I believe I have come to terms with all of it. But then why does it still all come back at times? Is it because it is pain and it never truly leaves you. . . but instead haunts you for the rest of your life? No one can ever make it go away. . . many think if they were simply with me, it would all go away but that's not true. It comes and goes of it's own decision. . . it is it's own creature. And I know I'm not alone in my life. I know there are people who care about me. These feelings just seem to haunt my every being and never seem to leave. . . like a bad dream or a disturbing experience.
This reminds me of another one of my favorite songs. To Fight is To Lose by Mia Dyson.
But love it can’t keep anyone
From being alone, the heart can’t be known.
Love I’m falling…
And honestly I find that the times these feelings arise the most is when I am the happiest. It's as if I try to self-destruct myself or destroy my own life unconsciously. . . I find that the days I have the most fun and am the happiest are the very nights that I am the most depressed and sad. I find it is a cycle. One that is upside-down and inside-out. It is turned around and crazy. It is weird and makes no sense. But then again. . . when does anything ever make sense? I told my boyfriend that there were times in my life where I felt as if I was always going to be alone and would never have the happiness one has when they share their life and heart with another and honestly. . . Now I know that was all wrong because I am happy now with him. . . but these nights are the times when those thoughts of being forever alone come back to me. When I get that feeling deep in my soul that I know I will be alone; that nothing will work out and I just need to give up sooner rather then later. And I hate that this comes to mind. I am so happy with him and I have finally allowed myself to begin to feel for him but then these feelings and thoughts come up and I hear this stupid voice in my head telling me to give up and that he's not the one and no one will ever be the one. And I don't want to listen to it but sometimes I find myself listening to it. And I know it is my own self-destructive behaviors creeping up again. I find I often like to cause myself emotional pain. . . why? because I think for the longest time that's all I ever felt and so now, that's all I ever know how to deal with and cope with. . . it's all I've ever known. I don't know how to respond to positive emotions so I unconsciously try and push myself back to a place I understand and am familiar with, despite the fact it's the very place where I am in the most pain.
I hate that I do this. . . but maybe by coming to understand this I can combat it and turn it around and maybe eventually I will be able to win this battle over and against myself. Maybe one day I can come to terms with who I am and allow myself to be truly happy for once. One day.