Sunday, September 8, 2013

And Now I Cling to What I Knew

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

~ After the Storm by Mumford & Sons

I feel like I have come to a point where. . . I have no other thoughts about life. I was at work today and happened to see one of my friends who I haven't talked to or seen in quite a while. He was a good friend of mine this summer and someone I hung out with a lot. We kinda chatted a little bit and caught up but then we got on the topic of the other people we used to hang out with. . . honestly. This past summer seems so long ago. It was a summer of adventure and discovery and fun, carefree times. It is a time that I will always cherish in my heart and mind and will acknowledge as a time where I discovered my inner spirit and what I truly valued in life. But talking to this friend tonight I had a sudden overwhelming sense of loneliness, longing, and bitter-sweetness. I felt lonely because I realized that that group of 7 of us were to never be how we used to be. Some of us left for college, others of us just drifted onto another path and still others of us have found we are stuck here and don't know what to do with our lives. I felt a longing because I missed the love we all shared for each other and I missed the only time in my life I ever felt like I belonged where I felt accepted for who I was and I wasn't judged when I didn't know the right answer or said the wrong thing. I felt bitter-sweetness because we shared many times together. We shared good and bad times; times of learning and times of adventure. We experienced many new, illegal, fun, and adventurous things together. We began to understand things about ourselves and we shared them with each other. Some may say we grew up together.
Part of me feels like a chapter of my life is beginning to close and I think seeing that friend tonight really confirmed to me that that chapter has closed. And it honestly. . . it saddened me. I felt such an aching sadness within my soul. But then I came to realize that that chapter was instrumental to creating who I am today and who I am now. I would not be the same person I am today if it wasn't for the past 7 months.
And then part of me felt fear. I will admit it. . . I am afraid. I am fearful. I know there is a new chapter that is beginning to open in my life and I am terrified about what it is going to bring and who it is going to leave behind and who it is going to bring into my life and where it will lead me. As of right now I have no idea what to expect or what to think but I know that soon I will be in the midst of this chapter.
I think this is where I need to remember to live each moment like it's my last. To embrace the time I'm in and not wish for better days ahead. I need to be happy with where I am and what is happening now. . . for this past chapter I spent most of it hoping and wishing for better days I thought were going to happen. But then they didn't happen and I now feel like I wasted this last year of my life not living my days to the fullest. I need to keep reminding myself that life isn't a race. It isn't meant to rush through to the end. It is meant to enjoy every second of every minute of every hour of every day. . .
I find it interesting to look back on your life and think. . . and relive all the days that stand out to you. . . that made an impact on you. . . and wonder who you would be today if those things would have never happened. A different person. That's who I would be. A much. different. person.....

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