Monday, October 28, 2013

Enjoying the Ordinary

Sorry it's been like 2 weeks since I've written anything. It has been a busy few weeks; homework, decisions, helping people with decisions, and just people in general. This last week has been good. I have been at peace with things. I was reminded of a quote the other day:

And I feel like this is something that I truly do need to remember. So often I can't wait to "get on with life" and have fun but in reality. . . what is in front of me now is just as good as what the future may hold. I can't live waiting for days ahead because then I will miss out on the days now.

In class the other day, my teacher had us watch a TED talk by Brene Brown. She discussed The Price of Invulnerability; how our world has become intolerant to vulnerability and how this has negatively effected everyone's lives. Symptoms include: business, numbness, perfection, and disappointment with life, etc. And she said one thing that really stood out to me. "In this world, somehow an ordinary life has become synonymous with a meaningless life. And so often we are missing what is truly important because we are on a quest for what is extraordinary, not understanding, that in our ordinary lives, in the ordinary moments of our lives, is really where we can find the most joy."

So often I don't stop to admire the world and the days around me and I truly contemplate if these are the moments I fall into deep depression.

But then I ask myself. What does it really mean to enjoy the time today and find joy in the most seemingly meaningless areas of life? I love what one of my friend's often likes to say "Prepare for the worst but hope for the best." Once we do that are we then able to truly focus on the present? Or is enjoying our time now simply disregarding the future and living in the moment regardless of the outcomes or consequences of our actions? I believe this is rash and somewhat immature. What if enjoying life was simply accepting the place we are now and acknowledging the many futures that could arise from now but not sitting and planning your life around that unknown future?

I read a good quote yesterday by Eleanor Roosevelt and it truly stuck with me, "Smart people discuss ideas. Average people discuss events. Stupid people discuss people." What if that also has to do with finding the joy in the ordinary? To discuss life, ideas, and questions instead of trying to make the ordinary extraordinary through gossip or discussion of others?

Living in the present though is something I find so difficult at times. . . easier said then done that's for sure. There are always those questions on my mind of what if? But I find that the few moments I am able to fully enjoy the here and now, I am the most happiest I have ever been. My smiles are sincere, my eyes shine with hope, love, and joy, and my body feels refreshed and energized. It is an at peace happiness where if you could change anything about the moment, you would choose not to. I have had a few of these moments in the past week. One of them was in the arms of my boyfriend the other night after I had become very irritated with him for absolutely no reason and I had no idea what the reason was. But anyways. The fact that he even wanted to touch me and wrap his arms around me after that made me feel even worse for the irritation I had held towards him. I felt a warmth in my heart for him and tears almost flooded my eyes for how I had been. I had such a weird experience though. I felt so happy and couldn't stop smiling at him. All I wanted was to stay there. No thoughts crossed my mind. I was completely absorbed in the present moment. No lists of things I had to do, no people problems I had to solve, no feelings other than contentment crossed my mind. I lost track of all sense of everything. I thought, when I became aware that I was thinking nothing, that if I died now, I would die happy and content.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Look Around

Life has been something that continually challenges me. It never seems to get easy. . . or be bearable. My emotions are up and down, present and absent. My friends are the same. Problems arise when nothing seems to be left that can have problems. Stress decreases for a moment before suddenly getting extremely worse. That is my life.
Finding that one of your friends has fallen back into the drug lifestyle is something that makes me stop and think. I know she is condoning her behavior even though deep down she knows that's not what she should be doing. . . why do I say this? Because I remember a night she sat crying in my car about how she wanted to change and how she was done with that lifestyle. I know because I know her. She pulled away from me after that and I knew she was struggling with the decision.
It's just hard having to watch someone you care about so much slowly ruin their life and not even be aware of it. . .
It's hard to sit here and look back on my life and who I am now. It's hard to see how much it has changed in such a short time and how different I am from who I was not too long ago. Sometimes I just wish I could go back in time and tell myself some of the things I know now. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell myself not to worry about some things I worried too much about, and to worry more about the things I didn't worry about at all. . .
Last night I just needed to get away from all the stress I've been having recently; the things I've been worried about, the things controlling and flooding my mind, the emotions welled up inside of me that had begun to push their way out. My boyfriend and I just decided to take a little drive out into the middle of nowhere and just hiked through the woods until about 11:30pm. It was nice to be out in the cold air, in the darkness. There is something about both of those things that make me forget life and enjoy the thrill of living. Being outside.
I've just been having too much on my mind. . . like things involving school, people, projects, work, the fact I found out some guy told one of my other "friends" that if he ever got a chance to do something with me (like get me alone) he would and that I see him often. I've been stressed out. . . I've been scared, terrified. . . and I've been depressed. Last night relieved my mind of all that until today when it all came back. And honestly. . . all I want right now is to be told I'm not alone and that I am loved. That I am loved to the point that someone would risk their life for me. I want to know that I'm not just an object, that I'm not just something that exists but, instead, does actually matter. I feel as if most of my life I have had to defend myself and I just want someone to defend me for once. I am scared out of my mind that I may have to defend myself (not that I wouldn't be able to. . . it's just the thought that someone would do that) and I just want to know that someone would stand up for me. I hope someone would. I want to be told they would. I want to know I'm actually at least somewhat important. . . I feel as if most people have this desire to feel loved and to be told they are loved and not just those three words. . . but, instead, every reason behind those three words. And I feel I have finally come to this point in my life where, that's what I want. To know that I'm not just loved because of the physical aspects. . . that it's not all about my physical body but instead for who I am or things about me. But right now. . . in my life I have yet to hear that. I can't remember the last time I've even heard it from my parents. I feel like I would start crying if someone actually did give me that time of their day.
But since I feel this way, I know others do as well. And honestly, it saddens me that that is that way. I feel too much of this world focuses on self-gain and self-pleasure that we forget to look at those around us and how they actually feel. . .

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
-Orson Welles

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Delighted Yet Doleful

These days. . . oh theses days. These days I have been happy.
That is all. That is it.
I have been happy and that is all I have to say. It is all I need to say. I just have to say I am happy that I have been happy.
And honestly. . . there are days where I do feel like shit and do feel like I could have a little cry fest in a corner by myself. But truthfully that is only over the past and not the present.
These few days I have truly felt happy. Happy in my present situation. . . maybe not mentally or school wise, but I am happy emotionally and relationally.
The other day I went to see my boyfriend because I was having a bad day and I just laid there, in his arms, and he probably doesn't know this but I was crying. I had a moment where I realized that every chapter of my life was completely over, completely closed, that a book had ended and a new book is starting. I realized this. It saddened me. It saddened me to think that though every day nothing seemed to change, over the whole year, everything had changed. It saddened me to think that everything I thought was going to happen never happened and everything I thought would never happen, happened. It saddened me to think that the very people I thought were my best friends, left me. . . even after so many promises. It hurt to think that if he wasn't in my life I would have almost, absolutely nothing left. I would have probably fallen so deeply back into the very place I've been trying so desperately to escape. It scares me.
Honestly, my life scares me. . . just as these random bursts of thunder right now make me jump. I don't know what to expect and things happen. . . things that I would have never thought would have happened and at times I would have never expected. It's this unknown that scares me. It's the thing I have been desiring to run away from. The unknown of life. I'm no longer sure of anything and it scares me. It scares me to feel no longer in control of anything. I don't know where my beliefs lie anymore and I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know what the future will bring and I don't know who or what it will leave behind. Maybe this is why I have such a strong desire to leave. . . I want to feel in control again.