Monday, October 14, 2013

Look Around

Life has been something that continually challenges me. It never seems to get easy. . . or be bearable. My emotions are up and down, present and absent. My friends are the same. Problems arise when nothing seems to be left that can have problems. Stress decreases for a moment before suddenly getting extremely worse. That is my life.
Finding that one of your friends has fallen back into the drug lifestyle is something that makes me stop and think. I know she is condoning her behavior even though deep down she knows that's not what she should be doing. . . why do I say this? Because I remember a night she sat crying in my car about how she wanted to change and how she was done with that lifestyle. I know because I know her. She pulled away from me after that and I knew she was struggling with the decision.
It's just hard having to watch someone you care about so much slowly ruin their life and not even be aware of it. . .
It's hard to sit here and look back on my life and who I am now. It's hard to see how much it has changed in such a short time and how different I am from who I was not too long ago. Sometimes I just wish I could go back in time and tell myself some of the things I know now. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell myself not to worry about some things I worried too much about, and to worry more about the things I didn't worry about at all. . .
Last night I just needed to get away from all the stress I've been having recently; the things I've been worried about, the things controlling and flooding my mind, the emotions welled up inside of me that had begun to push their way out. My boyfriend and I just decided to take a little drive out into the middle of nowhere and just hiked through the woods until about 11:30pm. It was nice to be out in the cold air, in the darkness. There is something about both of those things that make me forget life and enjoy the thrill of living. Being outside.
I've just been having too much on my mind. . . like things involving school, people, projects, work, the fact I found out some guy told one of my other "friends" that if he ever got a chance to do something with me (like get me alone) he would and that I see him often. I've been stressed out. . . I've been scared, terrified. . . and I've been depressed. Last night relieved my mind of all that until today when it all came back. And honestly. . . all I want right now is to be told I'm not alone and that I am loved. That I am loved to the point that someone would risk their life for me. I want to know that I'm not just an object, that I'm not just something that exists but, instead, does actually matter. I feel as if most of my life I have had to defend myself and I just want someone to defend me for once. I am scared out of my mind that I may have to defend myself (not that I wouldn't be able to. . . it's just the thought that someone would do that) and I just want to know that someone would stand up for me. I hope someone would. I want to be told they would. I want to know I'm actually at least somewhat important. . . I feel as if most people have this desire to feel loved and to be told they are loved and not just those three words. . . but, instead, every reason behind those three words. And I feel I have finally come to this point in my life where, that's what I want. To know that I'm not just loved because of the physical aspects. . . that it's not all about my physical body but instead for who I am or things about me. But right now. . . in my life I have yet to hear that. I can't remember the last time I've even heard it from my parents. I feel like I would start crying if someone actually did give me that time of their day.
But since I feel this way, I know others do as well. And honestly, it saddens me that that is that way. I feel too much of this world focuses on self-gain and self-pleasure that we forget to look at those around us and how they actually feel. . .

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
-Orson Welles

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