tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80669132590064176822024-03-12T18:05:19.347-05:00A Normal Girl in an Upside-Down WorldThe search for self amidst all the turmoils and challenges of this thing called lifeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.comBlogger50125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-18330271370633582362014-08-12T11:55:00.000-05:002014-08-12T11:55:12.681-05:00Pride HurtsLearned last night why too much pride can be such a harmful thing when I was hurt because of someone else's own need to "prove" something. I was denied my black belt last night at our belt test. I have been practicing for 2 1/2 years for it and I was denied it as someone next to me received theirs even after they had made some very basic, lower belt errors.<br />
<br />
Now, for those of you who may not know much about Tae kwon do, let me help explain.<br />
You have roughly 2 yrs of training before you get your black belt (if you are not no changed at a test). There are 12 belts before your black belt. You test every 2 months. Now, I have been training 2 1/2 years because I had to take time off for school. When training, you train on a certain form, board break, and some sparing techniques in order to be able to test for your next rank. You receive stripes at the end of your 2 months for those exact things saying you are ready to test. At the test you are required to preform your learned form, board break, and demonstrate sparing effectively. Everyone knows that if you do those effectively, you will advance ranks. The only way in which you won't pass is if you forget crucial parts of your form of don't break your board within 3 tries.<br />
<br />
Well, the owner of our place has been on a power hungry streak recently, threatening to no change people for "small details". Well he has been hard on the 2nd and 3rd degrees which makes sense since they are training black belts. But he has been very inconsistent, and unspecific with the colored belts. He has been passing people who visibly mess up form and no changing people who did nothing wrong to prove the point that he is powerful, should be feared and can do what he wants. I was no changed last night for something as small as having 1 or 2 of my 20 front kicks he had us do not be curled back enough. My board break was broken on the first try, on a harder board than what he wanted me to do, my form was almost perfect for my belt level and I demonstrated everything we learned in sparing. He no changed me for front kicks he had the 3 people going for our black belt get back up and do in front of him. Now, let me just make another point, the front kick wasn't even in our form. There was no way we were to know he was going to do that because that is not what we get our stripes for. He also only did it to the 3 of us upper belts and not the whole class, so in that it was very biased, unfair, and planned on his part. I was so pissed when I found out he didn't pass me.<br />
<br />
I still am.<br />
<br />
Afterwards he proceeded to try to brag to the audience about how he grappled our head instructor and held out for quite a bit as if that was a huge accomplishment.<br />
<br />
He always preaches to only compare yourself to yourself but then brags over doing better than others, tells another colored belt that if a kid can break two boards, then he can, tells my own dad that he has "pride issues" and that's why he couldn't break his board. I'm sick of this jerk faced ass hole to get away with what he wants. I don't know what he is trying to prove. He also no changed another kid last test for the same thing he did to me even though everything that kid did was perfect. Then he proceeded to pass 5 other kids who all except 1 had very sloppy done forms. He also passed a girl for her 2nd degree even though she didn't break her board on 3 tries like you're supposed to.<br />
<br />
He's power hungry and I'm done.<br />
<br />
I can't go back now to finish because I have school so I don't know if I'll ever finish my black belt even after my long time of training. Which to me is heartbreaking. For him to no change me for his own pride and allow me to live with never completing something I've spent so long on.<br />
<br />
It is what it is. But I will never accept his decision because I know I did nothing to deserve a no change at my level. I will not beat myself up over this because it was nothing I could have prevented. It was on a kick that wasn't in our form, we had not practiced in a while, we were never told was going to be in the test, and was simply him looking for a reason to no change me.<br />
<br />
I'm done with this shit. <br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-14900643561101521272014-07-23T02:14:00.003-05:002014-07-23T02:14:31.740-05:00SpecialHave you ever felt as if love was a forever changing thing? Something that is not constant? I feel as if this is reality or at least that is how I see love as it is towards me. I feel as if love is never a constant stream for me. It comes and it goes... it ebbs and flows. I feel as if one moment I am showered in it while at others I am in a complete desert.<br />
<br />
This is one of those times I feel it lacking. I feel thrown aside. I feel unwanted and rejected. You know all I have ever wanted is for someone to say, yes I want you. Without me having to ask. I ask people to hang out with me and all I get is "I don't want to", even from my family. They are all too busy or don't feel like it. I try to make time for people who seem to never want to make time for me. I feel used. I see some people a few times and when I do, all they want is to be pleased then they toss me aside. They don't even bother to try to talk to me and tell me they miss me or want me. I feel as if I reach for them as they watch in pity and laugh. <br />
<br />
You know as bad as this is going to sound, I totally thought I saw my ex-boyfriend the other day and my heart skipped a beat. Not because I miss him but because I realized I missed feeling special. He was a jerk and I do NOT miss him at all. But I do miss how he would make me feel special even if it was just to butter me up because he had been extremely hurtful the moment before. But I felt special to him and I fully believe that was the only reason our relationship lasted as long as it did. But he would always remember to tell me he missed me, how much he wanted to see me, how much I meant to him. He would surprise me with things... little things. Like a picked flower, homemade bracelet, cute random 2 sentence notes, love letters in the mail. Even though I only saw him maybe once a week or even once every two weeks, I always knew I was on his mind. I knew he wanted me. I never doubted that.<br />
<br />
I miss that.<br />
<br />
I miss having someone who adores me more than life itself and who tells me that.<br />
<br />
I was laughing this morning when my friend texted me at 6:45am just to tell me she got me something while on vacation and couldn't wait to give it to me when she got back. I've known her for 9 years now and love her with all my heart. I was laughing because at times it seems like she makes me feel more special than any guy ever has. And I to her. We joke all the time about what if we had dated but then we realize neither of us are sexually attracted to the other. Just emotionally. But then I realized I missed her. Because, again, as much as I don't see her very often, I know she cares about me and is thinking about me. And she randomly likes to tell me that too. I laugh because we basically act as if we are in a relationship. <br />
<br />
Anyways. Just a random 2 am thought. Can't sleep, so figured I would write out my feelings running through my mind.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You know she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you."</i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-20942324698154990202014-07-18T00:43:00.001-05:002014-07-18T00:44:00.668-05:00True Beauty<style>
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It’s weird how life changes before your eyes. It almost
seems like a movie at times in the way time elapses; so quickly yet paused just
long enough on the moments that truly make the story. Yet then at times life
seems to move along no faster than a cloud; so slowly that you don’t even
notice when it has left or when it will ever reappear. People have a funny way
of making life seem to speed by or slowly edge along. They come in and out, and
stay just long enough for you to learn of yourself and how quick you learn to
love and trust. They come and linger long enough for you to grow and watch them
grow before one day you awake and they are no longer there. Then they come and
they stay. . . long enough until one day they awake and you are no longer
living. I found this out the hard way. I, at times, relive the people in my life
that have passed, lingered, and stayed. It’s always a surprise to me of how
much life changes before us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How people
change. There must be something more to life than the relations we have with
the ones surrounding us. There must be more to this life than living everyday
for another. At times, I often feel I no longer understood life as completely
as I once thought I did. It’s funny how life changes like that. You wake up one
morning surrounded by only questions. Questions you once thought you had the
answers to but then realized that you had only scratched the surface. Life is
full of people. And people make up this world more than even air itself. They
keep us sane as well as drive us insane but everyone has a place and without
this somewhat chaotic order, we would all plummet to complete confusion. People
make the world go around and around. Without them, this Earth would be nothing
more than a ball orbiting a sun. With people, this ball suddenly becomes an
object with an identity; a sphere with a name. Earth. Filled with something
more; life. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I look back at my life and ask myself questions. What truly mattered
<i>then</i>? And why did I think it mattered when now it is nothing more than a
thought from the past, a pinch of time on the line of eternity, a day to this
life, and a feeling all my own? But then it truly does matter because it was a
moment. It was a moment where two people collided to make something more. More
than the circles we run or the single life we lead. It was a moment where two
paths collided, intertwined, or crossed before heading their own way. Those are the moments that leave
us learning. But why do we learn and what must we gain from these moments
except an acceptance and an acknowlgement that we truly aren’t alone? That no
matter if a moment left happiness, pain, or grief, we are to understand that we were
allowed to take part in a moment of beauty, where two became one and a
masterpiece was sprouted from which a destiny was changed and a life was
altered. Maybe it was not altered in a large way, but one small enough to cause
future change, future thoughts, future memories and moments for one to look back upon. These
themselves are reasons to be glad of any collision we have with another. We had
the opportunity to take part in another’s life; to experience this Earth as
they do and to catch a glimpse into the mind of another. We created a piece of
history. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This world is so beautiful and I find I often lose sight of
this. I get caught up in the day to day stresses and instead find myself living
in what could be or what was instead of what is. Because what is will become
what was and leads to what will be. This world has a beauty like no other and
reflects this beauty to me through the people within it. Each person has their
own beauty they radiate. But often I get caught up in the act of comparison. I
compare my beauty to theirs as one compares a stone to a shell. They both have
beauty but they are incomparable. I get caught up in the act of losing sight of
what is true, real, and honest. But on those rare occasions I do see the
beauty, each person I see is a different creature… a different creation. They
amaze, astound, and quiet me. I notice the things about them that are unique to
them. They way they move, speak, and think… each thing, unique. It’s the
outward appearance of everything inward. It’s the product of their individual
DNA, made up of different orders of only 4 nucleotides but in a different way
so as to make them completely unique from the person standing next to them or
living half way around the world. It is a product of years of childhood, years
of paths becoming crossed by others and years of self-seeking. It is this
intricate web of life that astounds me and pushes me to learn as much as I can
of this human soul. It pushes me to help those around me also see this beauty;
to be at peace with themselves, others, and the world. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">It is all this that leads me to questions. Leads me to ask is there more to life than simply worrying of others, forgetting the beauty, and letting fear stifle our intuitive, curious souls. I ask myself why we allow ourselves to do this and why we allow ourselves to disregard the thought that there must be something much bigger than us out there that keeps this world turning. </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-10651804311292728032014-07-11T15:41:00.002-05:002014-07-11T15:41:22.201-05:00PressureThere is something that I have realized over the last two years but have been deathly afraid to admit to myself for fear that I will admit I am weak. But in reality. . . I am weak.<br />
<br />
I give into peer pressure extremely easily. My whole life I have always looked up to the people who stand up for what they want and never back down, who aren't afraid to be who they are or do what they want. My best friend Reagan was always one of those people. I always loved the fact about her that she didn't care what her parents said. She wore the things she wanted to regardless of if people thought it looked weird. I loved the fact that she was shameless of the things she enjoyed and she wasn't afraid to speak her mind.<br />
<br />
I was never like that. I always came across as being confident in everything I said and believed but in reality I have always been afraid. Afraid of what people think and I find I only say things to appease others. My opinions on things change in an instant to resemble more similarly the person I am talking to so as to prevent a confrontation or argument. My actions change to match those of what people want from me or out of me. I feel extremely threatened by people who naturally get along with my friends because I feel as if I'm going to be tossed aside because I don't have all the same likes or opinions or something that they want. I have an extreme need to be accepted. Growing up I was home schooled because I was bullied in public school. I came home one day telling my mom I wanted to stay home for school and she let me. But there is always that stupid opinion of home schooled kids that they are awkward and antisocial and weird so I never told anyone I was home schooled. I hated the looks and jokes. The sad thing was I actually did sports with public school kids and band and theater. Everyone seemed to like me until they would find out I was home schooled. Then they would stop talking to me. I hated it and I felt alone. I tried to fit in in anyway I could. I stopped wearing my glasses, I stopped eating, I lost weight (even though I already had a normal body weight and type), I exercised more (like a lot more), I joked about the same things they did no matter how wrong it was, I acted as if I didn't care about school even though I loved learning, I acted as if I enjoyed all the same things they did.<br />
<br />
What hurt the most was that I didn't even feel accepted in the home school community because I wasn't religious enough or because I didn't grow up in a generational home of home schooled kids or because I acted too much like the public schoolers.<br />
<br />
I never felt liked. So I realized that these last 2 years. When I have been pressured the most to do things I said I would never do. And I've done them all. The sad thing is that when I do them or did them, that I would feel "cool" or accepted by those around me. But in reality, I realize now that they didn't care if I did it or not. They would still be my friends or they would still have left like they did. All I did by choosing to take part in those pressures was hurt myself. And to go back on every promise I ever made myself.<br />
<br />
I hate looking at people now and see all the things they have stuck with and not changed. I hate it because I'm not like them. I never had the strength to say no. And even if I did, it didn't last for very long. Even if it was one of the deepest held desires in my heart. I honestly think I've only ever made one true choice for myself that I didn't feel pressured into. That honestly was switching colleges last year.<br />
<br />
You know as much as I have felt pressured by people, some of the choices have been good ones. But that doesn't mean I was glad I was pressured. No. I've never had a chance to make my own choices. So now I am floundering. I don't know what I'm doing or who I am. I don't know what I believe or how to live with everything I've done. I can only hope that I'll learn from them and be able to help others with it. But my biggest struggle in life right now is. . .<br />
<br />
to make my own choices. And to not care what anyone says or thinks. To say no and to stick by it. To stick by my opinions even if I don't have the best comebacks because deep down in my heart I know it is right.<br />
<br />
<div class="copy-paste-block">
<i><b><span style="color: purple;"><br /></span></b></i><div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: purple;">I always say be humble but be firm. </span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: purple;">Humility and openness </span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: purple;">are the key to success </span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: purple;">without compromising your beliefs. </span></b></i></div>
</div>
<div class="copy-paste-block" style="text-align: center;">
<span><i><b><span style="color: purple;">-George Hickenlooper</span></b></i></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-4337268563984120732014-06-10T15:19:00.001-05:002014-06-10T15:19:31.256-05:00The Unseen Person
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I think something that goes often unseen or even
unmentioned, yet has been felt by each and every one of us, is that of shame.
Often times it is the victim that is surrounded with comfort and “it will be
okay”s, that we forget to see the perpetrator in it all. Now, I'm not saying to comfort the perpetrator because they did make a bad choice and need to know that. I'm saying that instead of teaching them, we shame them.
But why is that? We blame, shame, put down, tear down, abuse, burden, hate, and
even spit on those that have committed an act which accidentally or even
purposefully hurt another. Yet, we forget that they are simply humans too. They
are like us. They also have feelings and by tearing them down and shaming them,
we have now made them the victim and us the perpetrator. But our behavior is so
much more socially acceptable, because they did it first right? And they have
to be socially punished and ostracized and shamed so that they never do it
again right? It’s as if we hurt them and burden them so as to try and rid
ourselves of the pain, hurt, and sadness we feel at the incident that took
place. We try to make them have an outward expression of the inward turmoil we
are experiencing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had a dream last night.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr-VgPUlrFZxfu_5WTPnITRWu6fZZz5T_FVsJZ7VZJ4mFjnwPwv9ordxBHGBiXACY78vQg2TUvmiy7lWY7vB7zLEek7n8NoOu3fFWb3CfO4MuTosbD_zoH-RZGxQmoN5C5gMVmJWP3XcaP/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr-VgPUlrFZxfu_5WTPnITRWu6fZZz5T_FVsJZ7VZJ4mFjnwPwv9ordxBHGBiXACY78vQg2TUvmiy7lWY7vB7zLEek7n8NoOu3fFWb3CfO4MuTosbD_zoH-RZGxQmoN5C5gMVmJWP3XcaP/s1600/images.jpg" height="247" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">taken from http://junglok.org/archives/574</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In my dream, I was helping this young
girl, about 5 or 6, who was afraid of slides. She wanted to go down one but was
terrified so I took her up to a slide and helped her go down. It was a small
one and she actually did ok and had fun. So then she wanted to try an even
bigger slide. As we were going up to it, a bigger kid took her and told her to
go down but she was scared, so he just picked her up and slide her down the
slide headfirst. She went down the slide really fast and landed head first into
the ground and proceeded to do a somersault, landing on her back. The adults
around all quickly ran to her and she was crying. In my dream, I remember
turning to the boy who was about 8 or 9, and asked him extremely sternly why he
would push her down the slide and told him how it was mean and he was mean and
that was a bad and wrong thing to do. I did this all without any kindness or
even a hint of trying to help him understand what actually happened. The look
on his face as I was saying all of this was of guilt and shame and complete and
utter helplessness, hopelessness, remorse, and sympathy. At that moment I
stopped. I realized that what I was doing was just as wrong and mean as him
pushing the little girl down the slide. I was just projecting my embarrassment
at having the little girl be hurt, my anger, and my sympathy onto him. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That was when I realized that instead of dealing with my
emotions by acknowledging them and saying it is okay to feel them, I lashed out
at the boy. How immature and more hurtful is that? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But then, later I asked myself, what is so hard about
acknowledging our own emotions and owning them? Is it because we often don’t
understand them or have exact words to explain our feeling? That is often my
reasoning, but I also began thinking that perhaps there are more reasons.
Perhaps we don’t want to own our emotions because we don’t want to think we can
be in control of how we respond to a situation whether it is healthy or not?
Like, it’s an excuse to act/respond a certain way. As an example, your spouse
cheats and you get angry and instead of dealing with the emotion you hit your
spouse. Later, you deny it as just being out of anger and not truly you who was
acting and that it was really all your spouse’s fault because they cheated-
therefore tossing the blame onto them and walking away with little consequences
because of your action. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In reality, this just causes more issues and more pain,
unresolved feelings, and a never-ending cycle of blame, shame, and immaturity. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or maybe, perhaps we don’t want to own our emotions because
it is too mentally painful. Like in a situation where a loved one died in a
drunk driving accident or was raped/molested, or were even murdered. Only God
knows how psychologically painful it would be to have to acknowledge the hurt
and pain one feels in this situation. The sympathy for the own who was hurt,
remorse and shame over not doing something more to prevent that even from
happening, self-blame, anger towards the person who committed it, and sadness
over the whole incident. By acknowledging all these feelings, we allow
ourselves to become open to wall shattering and brokenness. And this is painful
and we don’t enjoy being in pain. . .we try to avoid it, so instead, we blame
the perpetrator and shame them. We try to take revenge and place all our
feelings on them. We begin to believe that if they suffer, we will somehow feel
better. But, having studied witnesses and death penalty and such in psychology,
very very few (little to none) people feel better when they watch the
perpetrator die for their actions. Why? Because we have only simply postponed
the grieving process. And some do this for years. We forget that the
perpetrators are people too and we treat them as the enemy. When in reality
they truly aren’t the enemy. . . they are simply misled by the true enemy. . .
evil itself. They have been misled by a lie. A lie that they can take what they
want with no consequence, that murder may be the only solution, that they are
completely inept and can think clearly when in reality, they too have also not
acknowledged their feelings of anger, sadness, desire, etc. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">
</span></span><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Acknowledging our emotions is part of the grieving process. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="background-color: blue;"><span></span></span>It is also part of the learning process as well as the teaching process. </span></span></div>
</blockquote>
</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With the case in my dream, I should have instead, paused to
take a look at my feelings and tell myself the boy is not the enemy and then
explain to him how the little girl is now hurt and he needs to understand that
what he did hurt her but how he is not a bad person, he just made the wrong
choice and how I understand he probably feels bad and that’s ok but that he
does need to apologize and how he also may now have a consequence (whether
natural or not) to his action.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This would have allowed proper “grieving”, learning, and
teaching. The boy would be much less likely to make that same choice again then
if I had simply yelled at him. With this approach, he sees the association
between action and outcome as well as how emotions play into it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How much more pleasant would this world be if we could all
own our emotions? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another thought I had was, perhaps we don’t often own
emotions because we are afraid that it will somehow make us admit we have
false, harmful beliefs. Like an example is with shame. Say we are shaming
ourselves for a choice we made. We tell ourselves that we are stupid and we
believe it. Well by acknowledging that emotion we begin to become aware of the
belief we hold of being stupid. But we know deep down that that is not true and
therefore have to change it, but it’s hard to change it and would require us to
acknowledge other emotions we feel which can be more painful. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOrDvJfCj59aO8J7JFLenmEChzn91S2LBh29e1Aonmkhpkp6ugN_Zio-_0GIcIT4WzuktU0HpT6svKrvRFqGRVuu15By2yMHx__c-wl5h6jrxfdVx59N13Brh-EpOsbyP_WRK40i_OpuSO/s1600/tumblr-com.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOrDvJfCj59aO8J7JFLenmEChzn91S2LBh29e1Aonmkhpkp6ugN_Zio-_0GIcIT4WzuktU0HpT6svKrvRFqGRVuu15By2yMHx__c-wl5h6jrxfdVx59N13Brh-EpOsbyP_WRK40i_OpuSO/s1600/tumblr-com.gif" height="287" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
But we do need to remember that it is actually healthy and
more beautiful in the long run. . . I mean I would rather have a little bit of
pain flushing out a bad belief and be happier afterwards, then to have to live
in ignorance of the belief and continue to have painful, bad, shameful thoughts
every time I make a “mistake” which will happen God knows how much because I am
definitely not perfect. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-30933055354116892762014-05-06T16:06:00.002-05:002014-05-06T16:06:39.799-05:00Free-willA topic was brought up in my Cognitive Psychology class today. That of free will. That of its very existence.<br />
<br />
There have been recent studies of the unconscious and conscious mind showing that we are now able to show (through brain activity) the choice someone is going to make 6 seconds before they consciously make that decision. This raises the debate of if there truly is a free-will.<br />
<br />
I came to the conclusion of having to define free-will. Many define it as the ability to consciously make a decisions so then by this evidence, we would not possess free-will since our unconscious minds make decisions before we are consciously aware of it. And after the choice is made, we begin to justify every decision our unconscious mind made by trying to tie it into beliefs and values we hold. We would do this to prevent cognitive dissonance and to keep us believing we are in control of our lives.<br />
<br />
Now, if you define free-will as the ability (consciously or unconsciously) to make a decision apart from control of an external source, then that evidence just shows the complexity of the human mind and how there are many things that go on in the unnoticeable parts of the brain before they even reach our consciousness. <br />
<br />
But then you have the debate on the controlling ability of outside factors such as genes, nurture, situations, etc. But in reality, those things just affect the things that may happen to us, but they do not affect our ability to choose how we react, feel, or respond to the situations.<br />
<br />
Ultimately, I believe we have free-will. We have a mind, and it makes decisions regardless of if we consciously know of them or not. If we didn't have free-will, we would be little puppets controlled by a god or our own basic desires and needs. But the very fact we can decide to believe in a god or withhold our urges, I believe, provides evidence in itself for free-will (or free-choice as some desire to call it). If we didn't have free will, then we would be as the animals are. . . only living to supply and fulfill our basic needs and urges. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-45615684572471727252014-04-10T18:28:00.001-05:002014-04-11T12:47:16.895-05:00Questions on LifeLife. I find I walk around in life questioning everything around me. Almost never do I simply walk down the road or to class and just listen to my music or think of things I have to do. Instead, I find that I watch those around me and I ask questions.<br />
<br />
The question I asked myself today . . . what is the point of life? And yes I know that is that one question that every philosopher tries to answer but I don't ask from the way they want answers- as to why we exist. My question is what are we supposed to do with the life we are given? Why do we go to school? To get a degree so we can work? Why do we work? To earn money to live? But then what is living? Is living simply going to work, earning money, and taking care of our needs? But then why do we stress so much to take care of the sick, the weak, and the ones without love or a home? Why do we make such a hassle and big deal over death? Why do people tell others to not kill themselves? Why do we try to save those around us? Is it because life is sacred? Why is it sacred if our only purpose is to supply for our needs so we don't die?<br />
<br />
What is that? Is that life? Do we only live so we can suffer through school and work and maybe sometimes have a moment of connection with others that leads to smiles and laughter? But why is this desirable? Why do we want this? Why do we desire to connect to others when in reality we are animals and our only true need is to supply for ourselves?<br />
<br />
Do we only supply for ourselves so we prolong death? Why are we afraid of death? Why are we afraid of pain and hurting? Yes, I understand some argue it is an evolutionary trend that we came to acquire a fear of pain to protect from harmful things. But why do we avoid harmful things if the only purpose of living is to supply for our needs and run from death? <br />
<br />
These are the questions I contemplate. These are what lead me to wonder about us people and have a strong desire to learn why we are who we are and why we do what we do. . . It is psychology. But during all this I still wonder about myself and about this thing called life. This thing of breathing. This thing of hearts beating and blood flowing. This thing of thoughts and movement. Why do we have needs for adventure or discovery or to be known or to know or to love or to even simply be at peace?<br />
<br />
Honestly, the only answer I have for this is the one thing I always seem to come back to. The one thing I grew up in. The one thing that makes sense to me. That we were created for a relationship with God. To experience his love and power as a human here on earth and he as a being all around us. (The only time we will ever be able to experience him not being face-to-face as we will be in heaven). The only thing that makes sense to me is that he gave us these innate desires to explore the world around us because he gave us this world to enjoy. This is what I keep coming back to. And to what I cling. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-52709721365855849832014-04-07T16:00:00.000-05:002014-04-08T16:06:09.522-05:00"Emerging Adult Crisis"Ok... I know I am supposed to be studying right now but I am unable to focus if I don't share my mind.<br />
<br />
The year is about to come full circle. Summer is approaching. We finally have sun and can see the swampy ground for the first time in 6months here in Minnesota. But with the sun comes not only joy of an approaching summer but also a bitterness as I realize everything is coming to an end. Things have come full circle. Things are bitter. There is not a joy of coming freedom on the wind. Instead, this wind brings an end. An end to the free-spirit I once held last year as I watch my friends slowly lose control of their lives... as my friends are now beginning to live the consequences of their choices from last summer. And it makes me want to collapse. To collapse into a heap on the floor and give up. Life is too much. It came too much at once. I have expectations and desires to either side of me coming from my childhood, my parents, other adults in my life, my boyfriend, my own mind, my heart, my family, my siblings, my world. I don't feel overwhelmed. That is not the issue. I feel, instead, as if everything I do leads to more and more failure and learning. I feel as if I can do nothing properly or in the way others expect from me. I have people expecting me to heal quickly, to pursue my future goals as fast as I can and on time, I have people expecting me to do everything correctly and in the right order, I have expectations to make up my mind soon on topics I don't want to feel rushed in. I have people accusing me of being unable to make up my mind or relying on others too much. I have expectations placed on me to commit and settle down in a way that prevents exploration of life and enjoying the journey. And then I have to sit back and watch my friends try to cling to last summer and the freedom they had, they felt, and the fun they experienced while I am forced to grow up faster than I have ever wanted to.<br />
<br />
Neither of these situations are good. Neither are beneficial and I don't know what to do anymore. And the problem is, I have several different suggestions coming from many different sides of me and from numerous different angles. <br />
<br />
Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be like my friends. I don't want to cling onto something I know is slowly vanishing from between my fingers. I don't want to give away my hopes, dreams, aspirations, and morals for a moment of what seems like freedom and in pursuit of something I know will only leave me tattered, shattered, and broken on the rocks.<br />
<br />
But what I do want is freedom. I want discovery. I want adventure. I want a moment to myself. I want to know myself better. I want to know what I want in life for once instead of what I think will be a good decision. I want an experience with myself that will allow me to know what I desire from this life. Because right now, my desire for this one thing blocks out every other desire I may want in my life. Right now, I am following blindly a path I made for myself several years ago before many life changing things happened. <br />
<br />
Have you ever felt this way before? Have you ever wondered what you are doing with your life? Some call it a "midlife crisis" but it is surely not one for me. Maybe it is an "emerging adult crisis". Ya... that's what I'll call it. An emerging adult, I have no idea what I'm doing because no one ever told me what to expect, college life crisis. Why couldn't school have actually taught us something useful? Like how to balance a check book, or how to write a resume/cover letter, or how to do taxes and sign a lease or take out a loan or even how to find a good/decent job. Those would have been good things to know/learn. Oh well. I'm just glad I have been slowly finding people to help with those things. The only sucky thing is that since I am a senior next year (because of my credits) I have even less of an amount of time to learn about how life works while other kids normally have about 3-4 years. I have 1 year. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so overwhelmed. Hmm. Now there's a thought. :PAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-15508621697138412014-04-01T21:53:00.000-05:002014-04-01T21:57:24.943-05:00HopeSorry that it has been about a month since I posted. It has been a rocky, rough past couple of weeks. I had a mental breakdown a little over a week ago and am still recovering from it. This past month was rough in every sense of the word and never had I felt so alone. It came to a breaking point where I realized there was nothing I wanted to live for anymore. Again, I was brought to that place of desperation, hopelessness, and loss. It scared me. And not because of the feelings. It scared me because it felt all too familiar. It felt too known and too understood. It scared me because I realized that over the past few years, I really hadn't come as far as I believed or hoped I had. My boyfriend found out the following day and decided that he wasn't going to talk to me for the rest of the day until I told someone.<br />
<br />
Obviously I know what you're thinking. Seriously? Why would you just stop talking to an extremely depressed, borderline suicidal person? I don't know. And I don't care what his reasons were but I definitely let him know how much it hurt.<br />
I did end up talking to my parents though. They know my past but they didn't really think anything was continuing or was as bad as it had been. But I made sure they knew it never really ended. We discussed plans of action and things and after a trip to the doctor, I am now on a high dosage of vitamin D (since I was very deficient) and a bunch of other random supplements and vitamins. And I am now to give it 12 weeks. If things don't work well, then I'm to go back in and discuss depression medications and other options. <br />
<br />
This past week was semi-refreshing. It has been an interesting week. But I have to say I have been blessed by people. My first day back from break I ran into literally every person I know on campus (which honestly is not very many but still). The rest of the week I keep seeing people and I have been staying in fairly good communication with others so as to not be alone. This past week-end I got to hang out with my boyfriend for the first time in awhile and it was nice. One of the first times in the past few months where we weren't fighting and were actually happy.<br />
<br />
<br />
So ya. That was the month of March in a nutshell for ya'll.<br />
<br />
Peace.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>"A man begins to die when he ceases to expect anything from Tomorrow." ~ Abraham Miller</b></i></span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-47796820928388424512014-03-06T16:32:00.000-06:002014-03-06T16:32:53.227-06:00Everything Changes so QuicklyLife changes so much in such a short amount of time. It is something that we can never truly predict but the very same thing we call mundane or boring. Life wasn't anything I expected it to be when I was a child. You grow up. . . I grew up. And I realized the way you may view something as a child takes on an entirely different meaning when you're older. I realized the very people I thought I knew, I really didn't. And how much they can change over the course of even just a year. I've realized I don't know what I believe or think anymore. The few sure foundations I had in my life have either turned their back on me or gone down a track completely opposite of me. Life is something that confuses me and I've realized that in the last few weeks I have fallen back right into the old thinking and old feelings that I was stuck in for years and promised myself I would never go back to. I have begun to see (again) no light at the end of the tunnel. I have begun to see that I truly have no plan for my life and I have begun to see that everything I thought I knew was a lie. I have begun to have no hope of a better life because everywhere I look there is pain, disease, death, crying, weeping, and loneliness. I've come to the point (again) where I just want to give up on life. Where I feel, that for once in my life, I am allowed to be selfish.<br />
<br />
But at the same time I know that would be foolish. I have been there before and I have seen the outcome from that. Do I really want to deal with that hassle again?<br />
<br />
I feel alone in life. I have no hope in life. I have lost friends. I have friends who have been corrupted. I have my own self questioning things and doing things I would have never thought I would have ever done. But in reality. It's not the acts that make me feel bad- it's the thought of what would everyone else think. When in reality that shouldn't bug me because they are who they are and their opinion of me doesn't matter. If they don't know me then why should they judge? But then I also think........ they probably wouldn't even find out, know, or care. I'm just afraid they will.<br />
<br />
I don't know what to do anymore. I have lost hope in humanity. All hope. I have lost trust in the very people I used to trust with my life. I have watched as my few friends I have had in my life have slowly been torn away from me... little by little. And it saddens me. And I feel lost. I don't know what to do anymore except curl up in a blanket and cry and never come out again. Because honestly. . . that seems like the only solution. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-280149734552179992014-02-23T13:31:00.000-06:002014-02-23T13:31:16.830-06:00Deep Breath, Get Up, Dust Off, and Begin AgainSo much school and so must stress. These last few weeks never seemed like they would end. Actually it came to the point that I just broke out laughing while my boyfriend just broke down in tears. The amount of things that seemed to happen in not even a weeks amount of time was just.... seemingly impossible. I swear we made a new record of all the bad things that can happen in a week. First it started with my boyfriend calling me on Monday night of last week telling me that he lost his credit card and couldn't find it. He had it the night before but was missing it. I told him to check his car (since he had already checked everywhere else) but being that is was really late he said he would check on Tuesday. Tuesday came and he called me again and started telling me how he got a random parking ticket for apparently missing his front license plate on his car. . . . which happened to have been stolen. On top of this he couldn't find his credit card. This then rolled into that night when he broke his phone charger (it got ripped out of the wall). The next day (Wednesday) he accidentally left his phone in his car overnight (and if any of you know how cold it gets in MN in February, then you know it is extremely cold at night and just about everything freezes). His phone then decided to rebel and some of the buttons no longer work. The next thing that happened, was his mom decided to take his car and give him hers as they tried to figure out the license plate situation. After this I got a call from Ian on Friday (Valentine's day), he began telling me he received another ticket for apparently parking next to a fire hydrant which was completely buried in snow and which you could not see. He was not happy after this- obviously, as any normal person would be. On top of this, Sunday his car wouldn't start. We had to try to flag down somebody to come help us jump it. No one seemed to have jumper cables but thank God we found someone who could drive us to a gas station to buy some cables in order to jump the car. By the time we got back it was 1 in the morning. The next day (Monday), he found out he missed a mandatory meeting for ROTC and had to figure all of that out. At this point I just couldn't handle it. Nothing seemed to be going right and I just literally failed a test and did horrible on a paper and had two more tests coming up that week. Ian just broke down crying.<br />
<div>
Life seems to be way too stressful at times. I know this may not all seem that stressful but within the short amount of time it happened, it was very stressful. A week is too short of a time to deal with so much stress as well as school and in my case, having to also act as a therapist for several of my friends who were also having very bad weeks. Me and Ian just basically came to the point where we couldn't take it anymore. So as a summary. Let me review that week in a little diagram.<br />
<br />
Monday:<br />
-Lost credit card<br />
<br />
Tuesday:<br />
-Parking ticket<br />
-Stolen License plate<br />
-Broken phone charger<br />
<br />
Wednesday:<br />
-Broken phone<br />
<br />
Thursday:<br />
-Traded cars<br />
<br />
Friday:<br />
-Another parking ticket<br />
<br />
Saturday:<br />
-nothing thank God<br />
<br />
Sunday:<br />
-Car wouldn't start/ dead battery<br />
-Finally found someone to help<br />
<br />
Monday:<br />
-Missed mandatory meeting</div>
<div>
<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
Despite the amount of stress, this week has taught me something. Things happen that you can never expect to happen. Life is full of the unexpected but it's how we chose to react to these unexpected turns that makes us into who we are now. I found that I tried to keep a very positive outlook on life during this time when normally I would just have accepted my fate and dwell in self-defeat. And I found that that is what truly allowed me to recover. I had faith the Lord was going to provide and things would be ok in the end. This gave me so much peace throughout the whole week even though I was stretched to my limits. Ian was stressed to the point he just broke down. I remember him laying on the floor in my room telling me he was done. He didn't want to ever get up again and how he was giving up. I told him that giving up means you are never going to try again. I told him he wasn't giving up and he hasn't given up yet. That I need him and that it will all get better in the end. Whether that be in a day, 2 days, 4 months, or 10 years.<br />
<br />
This last week (following the horrible week) though, has honestly been a good recovery week. Still stressful but a lot less shit happening. It has been a chance to take a deep breath, get up, dust ourselves off, and take another shot at life and continue on down the road. Because honestly.... that is all you can do and need to do in life sometimes. Accept the difficulties but still chose to arise and not let them knock you down. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-30392414836555177112014-02-08T13:52:00.000-06:002014-02-08T13:52:53.099-06:001/3 Past, 1/3 Future, and 1/3 PresentSo as I sit here and attempt to catch up on my reading for a psych class I can't help but let my mind wander. I had a sudden urge to type. . . and just type. I haven't written in a while either and decided that it's probably time to update the blog. This semester has gone by fast and is going extremely well. I'm glad that I have finally moved out because it has given me a chance to be on my own for once. I have also been meeting so many new people and my classes are good. I honestly love the university and seem to have not enough time on my hands. I don't know how that is because I have the same amount of time I did last semester but I really feel as if I have no time. It's quite frustrating at times.<br />
<br />
The only down side that I've had being further away is that I never get to see my best friend. Since she doesn't drive, it's hard to find time to see her. I saw her this week for a few hours for the first time since way before school started. It was fun and nice but then I realized how much I miss her. How much I miss having someone in my life that knows me better than I know myself. Someone who I can be completely real with on every level. Now grant it, I am meeting so many cool and awesome people but a lot of them are still in the category of 'friend' and not really in the close friend category. Though I did meet one girl who I just clicked with instantly. She's like awesome and we get along really well. I'm just saddened at the same time because I don't want to feel like I'm replacing my good friend of many years. I don't know how it's going to be next year though because my best friend will probably be in New York for school . . . . so quite a distance. You never know though and I'm not going to dwell on the future because none of us truly know how it will turn out.<br />
<br />
That is actually something I've truly been dealing with recently. I've never really been the type to dwell on the future because too many times have I had my hopes and dreams dashed upon the rocks of life and reality. But recently I have found myself daydreaming about life and I keep having to bring myself back to reality and to remind myself that the wonderful future I have fantasized about may or may not happen so it's pointless to think about it. But sometimes that is all that gets me through the day. . . the thought of my future. But also sometimes it brings stress and uncertainty upon my thoughts. And that is harmful. Why stress over something that is not yet upon me? Why can't I live more in the present? I used to really live in the past. For years I did and that was beyond damaging to my mind, soul, and heart. But now I feel I am in the opposite extreme. I dwell in the future more than any other and that's damaging as well. . . I've really been trying to train my mind into evenly splitting into all 3 realms. 1/3 in the past so I don't make the same stupid mistakes again, 1/3 in the future so I know what my goals are and I have hope when times get tough, and 1/3 in the present so I can focus on achieving my goals and creating lasting and meaningful relationships with people. That is what I yearn for. That is what I desire to have.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-65757744424689921282014-01-15T21:28:00.001-06:002014-05-06T15:29:53.299-05:00Change<style>
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</style><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Life has changed so much. It has changed so much even in the
past few months. I feel as if I have grown up. As if my mind has been opened to
the world around me and I see how much bigger the world is. How people live.
How people communicate. How they do relationships. How they talk, speak, laugh,
cry, and respond with nothing but their raw soul. I have seen how such small
choices or actions can have such a huge impact on someone or myself. I have met
people, new people, and I have gone on adventures with yet others. I have
experienced true acceptance. I have experienced community and friends. I have
experienced what it means to walk, to breath, to laugh, to cry, to care so
deeply for someone, to be excited, to wait in anticipation, to not care about
people’s opinions, to be free, to sneak out late at night, to stick your hands
out of a car with all the windows down driving on a road through the woods with
the mountains in view. I have experienced for just a short time in my life-
happiness. I looked forward to the days ahead and to the people I could be
with. Depression was something in the back of my mind; still there, but not
nearly as forefront. I yearn for that again. I yearn for the warm summer days
and the bustling summer nights. They seem so far away now and yet still in the
forefront of my mind. I genuinely miss every single person who was apart of
that because now it seems so far away. It seems as if we have all moved on with
our lives and college and significant others. I am saddened and I’m scared. . .
I’m scared of growing up. Of having to have my life planned out, and having to
pay attention to bigger things. What ever happened to those days when I could
have my hair down, flowing in the wind, short shorts, loose t-shirts, bare
feet, warm air, sun on my face, not a care in the world, jumping into wooded
lakes, running on railroad tracks, drunken midnight fishing and casino visits,
dancing crazily with my friends, running through the rain, long walks through
the beaten down trails in the woods, biking half way across town because you
had nothing better to do, country drives, planning our futures, discussing life
as if it will never change. What happened to freedom? Now I feel like a
captured fish. One who swam the seas but now sits wearily in a bowl on the
counter. I am truly melancholy. I feel as if I enjoyed the days but they went
by way too fast. And I feel like it was a summer never to be repeated because
now. . . now I am expected to grow up. I am expected to have plans, to work, to
graduate from college, to go to graduate school, to think of a future. And I’m
going to make a confession. That’s boring. I don’t want to do that. I want to
travel, to go on adventures, to drive and not look back. I have so many things
I want to do. The last thing I want to do is stay in one spot. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m sitting here staring at my floor in my room right now.
It is full of boxes and items strewn everywhere. I move out in 3 days.
Saturday. Am I scared? A little. Scared of how the process is going to work. Am
I excited? Exceedingly. Am I worried? A little. Of being alone mostly and of
having no one there. That is my only worry; that I will be completely
abandoned. The funny thing is that when I was younger I always fantasized about
leaving and dropping everything and starting fresh and honestly, last year I
would have been able to do that. I was ready to do that. Then the spring
semester hit and everything changed. I met so many new people and actually
lived. Now the two people I still have from all of that, I am afraid to leave.
I am afraid to lose. But I learned, this summer, how hard it is to just leave.
I had the adventure I thought I would never have until I left this stupid
state. . . and I had them right here in this stupid state and town. Quite
ironic actually. But now I find I cling to those memories because I am afraid to create new ones. I need to remember that life isn't over. . . it has just begun. And I have many days until it's over. . . and in reality. Life will only last as long as I decide to pursue it. . . that is something I have come to realize. </span></span></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts </i></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>are conscious of our treasures.”
</i></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>-Thornton Wilder</i></span></b></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-11465162147091834892013-12-24T01:15:00.000-06:002013-12-24T01:19:23.621-06:00ClosureClosure is a wonderful thing. A very, very, very, very, very wonderful thing. It is an amazingly beautiful thing.<br />
<br />
This morning I had the ability to meet with an old friend of mine whom I haven't talked to in 4 years for coffee. Him and I had a falling out several years back leaving me heart broken, very depressed, in major amounts of pain, and distraught. We rehashed old things and discussed what really happened those few eventful years back. The beautiful thing was. . . it felt like we could just pick up right where we left off 4 years ago. I could cry as I write this thinking of how easy it was. How easy it was to laugh, to smile, to giggle, to reminisce with him again. How easy it was to chat about life. Even though we have no idea what has happened the last 4 years in each others lives, we picked up as if we had never stopped talking. This morning I couldn't stop smiling when I was with him. . . I couldn't. I couldn't help but think of all the fond memories I share of us and him and when we were so young. I heard from him how he had blotted out a lot of that time and so had I, but slowly. . . slowly but surely, we unsealed those envelopes long forgotten about and took a look at the pictures and letters within together. Honestly. . . when I first saw him my heart raced. I was so nervous. He waved at me and I about passed out. I didn't show it on the outside but I was a nervous wreck. And honestly. . .while we were talking it was awkward to rehash the past at first but he made it so easy to talk about and after awhile I looked at him and my heart just skipped a beat. I remembered the very reason why I loved him so deeply those few years back. I remembered the very reason I adored him and wanted no one else. But at the same time I looked at him and thought. . . it would never work now. As much as we get along, I feel like it would be weird to have a physical relationship with him. Our relationship has only ever been based on emotional and mental aspects. Never have we kissed. Never have we embraced dearly besides from a small hug. Never have we held hands. Never have we done any of that. And as nice as I think it would be, as weird as I know it would feel, I know it would never work. But then again my heart teases me with maybe that would come with time. . . but then my mind reminds me that he never loved me in that way and never will. But when he told me that he still had the letter I wrote him 2 years back, my heart skipped a beat again. I couldn't help but think why? But I know it had nothing to do with what my heart wished it had been. Love.<br />
<br />
We ended up hanging out with him later tonight (we being my boyfriend, my best friend, and I). We went to the casino and then chilled at Perkins. It felt so right to hang out with him again. To laugh and talk. To playfully tease and bring up past events. When I jokingly touched his arm I suddenly felt a warm feeling within me. One I had not felt since he first left my life. But then I looked at my boyfriend who looked at me and I felt guilt. Guilt because my boyfriend has never had the pleasure of knowing I have felt that way with him. I love my boyfriend so much. Do not get me wrong on that. I do love him. We get along wonderfully and he is about everything I have ever wanted. I would want nothing more than to have those feelings I get with my friend with my boyfriend. I would love to have my heart skip a beat when I see, every time I see him and not just occasionally. But sadly. . . that's not how it is. And it saddens me that that is the case.<br />
<br />
These feelings I describe are so confusing to me and probably also to you. I love my boyfriend by every sense of the word. I care deeply about my friend. I love my friend but in such a different way. I love my boyfriend in the way that I think about him so much and want to hang out with him all the time and I dream about him and I want to be with him and I would do a lot for him. But I love my friend in the way that I get the feelings of nervousness when I'm with him, I get the feeling of wanting to flirt with him, I have that feeling of love as in an emotional response with him. This may be because he had my heart first but at the same time I don't know. . . At the same time I know in the long run my boyfriend is the person I would rather be with. The person who has truly loved me and truly will. The person who would be the best for me. But at the same time I know some of my heart still belongs to my friend even though I know that it will never be reciprocated. And that saddens me. But it gives me hope having found closure with him today. To know he never hated me. To know that it was a major misunderstanding and to know that we can still talk so openly.<br />
<br />
My heart has healing to do. But now I know he is not someone I can not come in contact with. I won't tear up at the sight of him. And he is no longer 'off limits'. It makes it so much easier and it makes me happy. It gives me peace of mind and peace of spirit. It makes me think that I have wasted so much time these past 4 years worrying about something that was a huge misunderstanding and I can honestly say that I have nothing to be sad about anymore. He was the major thing in my life but now. . . I feel as if nothing else remains. Grant it I have sad things that have happened and still are but he is the main thing that caused so much pain in my life. More than everything combined. And now that it is resolved. . . I don't even know what to think or where to begin. I feel more of a freedom. But not a rebellious, dark freedom as before. But a light, hopeful freedom. I have very little driving my dark sense of freedom and rebellion now. . . it's such a weird feeling. . . and I hate it. But I like it at the same time. I don't even know what to think or do or say right now. That is all. And I will leave it at that for tonight. Who ever would have thought. . . that this could have happened to me today. That this day could have existed and occurred. . . I'm so genuinely confused and I feel as if I'm dreaming. I feel as I did at the beginning of this summer. Change is occurring. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-72671856526306343792013-12-16T18:30:00.001-06:002013-12-16T18:30:26.720-06:00This I Believe
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This I believe. I believe in the power of words and of love
and forgiveness. Having been raised in a loving Baptist home, I was accustomed
to hearing the messages of forgiveness, mercy, love, and compassion though I
never truly understood what they meant. This past year I have struggled and
faltered with the questions I had regarding these things. What truly is love
and what truly is forgiveness? I was in a verbally abusive relationship not too
many years back and having watched my father watch it occur and choose to say
nothing about it caused me to lose just about all my trust in men. This summer
I decided to be mean and manipulative back to them- having toyed with several
of them at once. At first I felt in control but something inside me ached with
the pain and knowledge that this wasn’t right. Many things brought upon this
ache that summer. I did many things I told myself I would never do. Yet,
something inside of me also questioned. . . why did I say I would never do
those things? Were they truly my own choice? And it really came down to no. I
was taught they were right and wrong things but then I questioned is that truly
love? But anyways. When I came to realize this my ache went away with a lot of
the things I did but the one things it always stayed for was the very thing
that was harming others in the process. It eventually came to a halt when I
took my full revenge on my ex-boyfriend. I led him on, let him cheat on his
girlfriend with me, and then told her. I knew full well he still “loved” me
regardless of the way he had treated me in the past and I used that to my
advantage. But afterwards I felt horrible. I knew what I had done was not
beneficial. It was not kind. It was revenge. It hurt him but it also hurt me.
It consumed my mind, my time, and I didn’t care about the needs and values of
others. I realized what forgiveness was in that moment and I realized what love
was that moment. Love is warnings and shared experiences. Love isn’t fear or
threats. Forgiveness is truly letting go resentment and not harboring
bitterness. I believe in the power small words can have. . . small words such
as I forgive you or will you forgive me or even I love you. I believe words are
a way to present our thoughts and feelings to the world and unite us closer
with each fellow human being. After that past summer I met a wonderful guy and
we started dating. He has slowly been teaching me what love really is and what
it entails. He has also been teaching me how to forgive and ask for
forgiveness. I went back not too long ago to apologize to my ex-boyfriend. I
asked for forgiveness and told him I forgive him for everything. I also am soon
meeting with an old friend from 5years ago soon to talk about the past and tell
him I forgive him. This understanding of what is love and what is forgiveness
has also come about from my deeper and richer understanding of God and through
the questions I have asked. I came to realize that what I used to think was
love is not love but control. I came to see that the love reflected by my
boyfriend is the love reflected to me by God. I came to realize that everything
is permissible but not everything is beneficial and regardless of our choices
(whether they be right or wrong to the world), I am still loved by the one who
calls me child. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love is kindness, mercy, forgiveness, knowing when to let
someone make their own decision, a desire to understand, honest, and patient. I
believe in love and the power of it.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-18242016144530628892013-12-05T17:34:00.000-06:002013-12-07T17:35:33.134-06:00All Is One and One is All<style>
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</style>Everything seems to be slowing down now that the first
snowfall has been completed. Snow seems to have that calming effect on people.
Yesterday when we the first few inches fluttered to the ground in what some may
refer to as a mini blizzard, everything seemed to calm. . . become quiet and
serene. It’s as if the world comes to a halt. The world moves slower. . .
whether that be from the fact people drive slower to prevent from swerving and
spinning out, or whether that be from dreams, memories, and experiences now slowly
becoming covered by the white layer of cold, I don’t know. Nor do I understand.
Nor do I really want to. To me, the changing of seasons brings about a new
chapter of life- the closing of one chapter and the beginning of a new. With
the first snowfall comes an understanding of the world in a new light. People
slow down. . . they watch as this past year comes to an end and is covered and
buried deep, deep down in the hole of picture books and archives, to
occasionally be taken out only when the time is right or they want to remember
with a smile and a laugh and a fondness of the times of long ago. <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I watch as this snow brings an end to a life I can honestly
say I am glad I have lived and experienced. As I put away memories into my
archive, I slowly relive each one; some with a fondness so sweet and gentle and
some with a desire to never experience that again. But each type bring about an
appreciation of my life and the things I have been able to experience. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today in class we discussed gratitude and the things that go
along with that. It reminded me of something someone told me once; to stop
thinking of the days to come and instead live in the present and appreciate the
here and now. Gratitude is something in which I desire to practice more and
something I desire to become a part of my everyday life. In the video we
watched by Louie Schwartzberg, he discussed being glad you’re alive- how when
you begin to look at life around you. . . the faces of the people around you. .
. the clouds and the flowers. . . you begin to see a world in which life is
valued. In which life is celebrated and only when you open your eyes do you
truly see the world around you and can feel grateful for the life you’ve been
given. This struck me because having dealt with depression throughout my life I
have always had this desire to know and believe life is what I want instead of
death. And from watching that video I understood that there is so much about
life that makes it better than anything else and makes it something I truly should
want. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our teacher had us eat 3 raisins today. This may sound weird
at first but the practice was amazingly beneficial. The 1<sup>st</sup> raisin
he told us to eat as we would normally. The 2<sup>nd</sup> raisin he told us to
focus on the aspects of it. To focus on the texture and the taste and how it
changes. To be aware of the process it takes to eat this raisin. The 3<sup>rd</sup>
raisin he told us to stop. To think of all the things that went into making
this raisin. That the Buddhists believe that everything is apart of each other.
Sunlight went into the creation of the raisin, nutrients from the soil, water,
care all went into this raisin. To think when you eat this raisin that you are
consuming everything that has contributed to making it what it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-43090379028856570502013-11-26T23:03:00.002-06:002013-11-26T23:03:29.984-06:00LoveSo I read this quote today: <br />
<br />
A woman is not written in braille, you don’t have to touch her to know her.
-Unknown<br />
<article class="post type-quote clearfix" data-permalink-link="http://themagicfan.tumblr.com/post/66213186920/see-the-human-mind-is-kind-of-like-a-pinata" data-post-type="quote" id="66213186920"><figcaption class="rte clearfix"></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"> </figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"> </figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"> </figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix">And it honestly seriously caught my attention. My first thought was damn. . . . that's so true. But why do we, as women, so often believe that the only way we are to let men know we love them is to allow them to touch us? So many women, and I think a lot of you can agree with me, regret many of the physical situations they have had with men and feel pressured to rush ahead in many experiences. Why? Because almost every single person has only ever wanted to be known. Not their bodies be known. . . but their mind, their soul, and their heart. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. We have all heard that quote but have any of us really ever sat down and broken it down? What does it really mean? Is it that distance allows people to step apart and away from each other and out of each others arms so that they can truly begin to understand the other person for who they are?</figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"> </figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"> </figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix">Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul. -Charlie Chaplin</figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><br /></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><br /></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix">That made me stop and think as well. It made me truly question my life and those of people I know. Intimacy is only meant to come when we are able to bare our heart with someone. . . otherwise it is purely lust. And I began to ask myself. . . have I truly opened up to anyone that much as to allow myself to share more than just my heart? Then it made me think back to past relationships I've had and how I have regretted decisions I've made and the things I've done regardless of it be something as simple as holding hands or kissing. And I asked myself why. And the answer I came up with was exactly that quote. I shared myself with them before I shared <b><i>myself.</i></b></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><b><i> </i></b></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix">Then I was reminded of one of my old relationships with this horrible guy who only ever wanted my body and if he didn't get what he wanted he would emotionally tear me down and I was reminded of what people told me. They told me I deserved better and then I stumbled upon this quote: <b><i> </i></b></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><br /></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix">Everyone tells you that you deserve better but no one is willing to give it to you.</figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><br /></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><br /></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix">And I just froze. I almost broke down because that was exactly what I had felt for years. People told me I deserved someone great and wonderful but at the same time nobody was willing to give me that. No one was willing to give me the time of day they told me I deserved. No one was willing to give me the love they told me I deserved. And then I thought. . . was it because they knew they weren't strong enough to give it? And they knew that someone eventually would come along who was? But then it got me thinking about, isn't that just relying on the future and karma to be exact?</figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><br /></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><br /></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><br /></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><br /></figcaption><div style="text-align: center;">
<figcaption class="rte clearfix"><b><i>And in the end, we were all just humans. . . </i></b></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><b><i>drunk on the idea that love, only love, </i></b></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><b><i>could heal our brokenness. </i></b></figcaption></div>
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<figcaption class="rte clearfix"><b><i> </i></b></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"><b><i>- F. Scott Fitzgerald</i></b></figcaption><figcaption class="rte clearfix"></figcaption></div>
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<figcaption class="rte clearfix"><br /></figcaption></article>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-57943060578817853962013-11-20T00:48:00.000-06:002013-11-20T00:48:45.742-06:00Sleep Never Seems to ComeI honestly have to say that sometimes I hate these borderline 'manic' phases I have. . . that I get about every couple months. I can't sleep. I never can. It is 12:30am and I have been up since 7am. Am I tired? Of course not. Could I fall asleep? Not if I tried. I am not tired. I am full of energy and need to go run or something. I can't even focus on anything right now. Like I keep getting distracted while trying to write this. Obviously I have not been stimulated enough today and this is definitely a sign for me that I need to start finding time to exercise again. I need to wear myself out.<br />
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But this is really begin to annoy me. The last few nights I haven't gone to bed before 2am. Why? I can't sleep. And every morning I am up at or before 7am. Do I have trouble getting up? Not really. Besides the fact I'm comfortable, I am not tired when I wake up. I need sleep though because I know that it will hit me in a few days.<br />
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It's just annoying because during the day too, I'm not tired. And my days seem to go by so quickly. I have been up for almost 16 hours and I feel like I woke up 2 hours ago. My day was a blur even though it was completely boring and pointless. <br />
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The troubling thing for me though is I know I'm tired. Like my eyes are heavy but my body is not tired. My mind is not tired. It is racing. My body is awake. I know I'm exhausted but there is no way for me to sleep. I don't feel exhausted but I know I must be.<br />
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Well time to go lay in bed for an hour and try to fall asleep. . . Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-39055915670343369382013-11-19T00:31:00.002-06:002013-11-19T14:18:59.764-06:00Putting All My Eggs in One BasketSo I find that the last week I have been so happy. And I know what you may be saying. . . "wow. This girl is so bipolar. Always up and down." But in reality it's mainly my own fault I am like that. Majority of the time it is my own thoughts that bring me down, and then my understanding of my thoughts that bring me back up.<br />
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I think I am just more surprised I have been this content this week despite the fairly numerous disagreements I have had with people, my boyfriend in particular. He may be upset by me sharing these things but I know he'll forgive me. It started last monday when my therapist made a remark that she thought I tend to with hold my heart from people. That it's hard for me to "put all my eggs in one basket" so to say. She also made a comment about how she believed<br />
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several years ago, I shut off some part of me that prevented me from truly giving my feelings over to someone. I have a hard time trusting and it really got me thinking. I went over to my boyfriend's later that day for their Air Force POW/MIA Vigil. (side note: I love seeing my boyfriend in uniform. There's just something about a man in a uniform that is just so damn attractive ;) anyways. sidetracking) I started talking to him about what my therapist had said. He truly agreed and we had a longish discussion on how hard it is for me to trust people. Several days prior we had gotten into another disagreement about people walking away from me. We discussed how my therapist called me emotionally immature and how when certain situations arise I tend to act out of the same age whenever it first arose in my life. It was a conversation that was very needed and I'm glad we had.<br />
I just have to say that I am so blessed to have this man in my life. He is there for me through all my emotional shit and is so patient with me and my learning of proper emotional health.<br />
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After Monday, I felt even closer to him than I have felt and I really felt my doubts and reservations about our relationship slowly begin to vanish. I began to embrace my feelings for him. My feelings of love, dedication, loyalty, caring, affection, devotion, adoration, desire, and passion. I literally had the one phrase my therapist told me running through my head. "Let yourself feel. I want you to actually trust him and I want you to feel like it's the worst thing in the world if you were to lose him." And I did.<br />
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Later in the week I found messages on his phone. Or saw I should say. And I knew they were something he had mentioned awhile back about his relationship with this good friend of his (a girl). And I knew I never had an issue with it before but that suddenly just struck me. I instantly had the instant fear of potential loss. And not a physical loss. . . but an emotional one. I instantly had the thought that I have finally opened up and finally allowed myself to feel and here I was at the point where I felt like he was pulling away. My next thoughts were that of beating myself up for being so stupid as to trust another person again and I got angry. When I left, I remember driving in my car and just having tears streaming down my face. And I remember telling myself to just feel. To stop getting angry and to not close myself off, to not hold resentment and to instead just feel for once. I bawled. There was a time where I about needed to pull over. I did after a while so as to write a message to my boyfriend about everything I felt. Now this may all sound pathetic but you need to understand why I felt this way. I felt unimportant. As a girl, we have this innate desire to be pursued or at least desired and I didn't feel either. I felt as if this friend of his had more of him than I did in this emotional way. And I don't want to seem clingy or over protective because that has nothing to do with it. It had nothing to do with him talking to her. It had to do with how he was talking to her and how he treated me. I think what bugged me though about the way he talked to her was because I knew their past and how they had discussed at one point being more than friends but how that would never work. It's the fact that that had even been discussed that bugs me. It has been thrown on the table. It was once a possibility. It would have been different if one of them would have been totally uninterested in the other as more than that but they both were interested at one point and that is what bugged me. And I just wanted to feel cherished and like his. I didn't want to be another one of "those girls". I wanted to be the only girl he called his. I still want that. And I don't think that is an insane thing to ask of your significant other. . . anyways. Enough of that. We had a huge long discussion and resolved a lot of it.<br />
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Anyways. There is more but I don't think you all need to know that.<br />
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My whole point was that despite all this conflict, I feel more at peace than I have all semester. I feel like I am finally at a point where I feel like I am doing the right thing with my life and I am beginning to understand so many things in a different light. In a more educated light I guess you could say. But I am happy and that's what matters. I finally feel like my life is finally going in a direction. It is going somewhere and I have a better idea of what I am doing. I'm not at a loss anymore. And that's what matters.<br />
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But growing up still scares me. I may know, generally, what I'm doing but I still am terrified of what the future is going to bring. It scares me to think that I am going to be all on my own soon. . . the very thing I have always wanted. So why is it that now it is the very thing I fear? At least I will have my two best friends helping me and by my side. And now that I am on good speaking terms with my family, I will have them as well. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have the support group I have. Even though it is small, it is bigger than some. And I don't even want to think of what it would be like without them all. I am honestly extremely blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-84772800184651241182013-11-07T20:02:00.001-06:002013-11-07T20:03:55.274-06:00Freedom<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I feel like these two quotes are so interlinked yet so independent of each other, it's not even funny.<br />
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Over thinking things
leads to negative thoughts but by letting your happiness depend on
something you may lose leads to over thinking. Over thinking about
whether or not you will lose that something or someone and every little
thing that is said or done. I find I over think things so much. I over think the future and every little action I am doing now. I think about how this will affect the future I want. The problem is I don't know what the fuck I want for my future. I have certain things I say I want but in reality they are only what other people have said they want for me. I just want to be free. That is all I want. And what that looks like I don't care. I just want to be happy with where I am and I know I would be happy anywhere. I just want to not worry about having to 'achieve' something or being 'perfect'. I don't want to be tied down. I want to be free. I want to have the opportunity to leave whenever I want. I want to travel. I don't want to be tied to anyone or anything and I don't want people telling me what to do. . . maybe this is why I find I always have this attraction to guys who don't give a shit about anything. Who are spontaneous and have the belief that 'rules are just guidelines'. I find I always crave stimulation from exhilarating things and I find that since I often see myself as a 'free-spirit' that I desire someone who is the same. Someone who still has morals and standards but who is willing to be crazy in circumstances and isn't afraid to get caught or in trouble. Not a "bad boy" mind you. . . just someone who is who they are and who doesn't feel an overwhelming need to follow rules or be 'good'. Who is fine just being. Someone who will not judge me for the things I do or try to stop me from doing the things I enjoy but someone who will let me do those things or even join me in them. Someone who is spontaneous and takes me with them on their adventures; carefree, relaxing, fun-loving, and who understands. Someone who could drop everything in a minutes notice and run away. Who doesn't let their life here tie them down to living a completely different life. </div>
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Sometimes I think that I would be totally fine living in a little van or car and traveling the united states by road. In fact, that sounds like something that would be entertaining. I love road trips. I love them even more when you don't even have a plan. So I think that living out of the car/van would be even more fun. To just take a few months to drive and meet people and trek through lands and see sights and have fun. That sounds fun to me. </div>
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Anyways. It hit me today. . . pretty hard. . . that I only have less than 2 months left at this school I have called home for so long. I was there today and I had the thought "I am going to miss this place." It was the one place that got me out of my house during my junior and senior year and it is the one place I have ever felt accepted. Everyone who is there is in the same boat. They don't know what they are doing with their lives. All they know is that they are learning and having fun. There is such a sense of community at Normandale it's not even funny. Everyone is so carefree and comfortable with each other. As long as you are open to meeting people, they will be open to you. Classes are like self-help groups, especially the psych classes, but I have definitely had that in other classes like biology, literature, health, history, and even my statistics class. I just realized how important the sense of community is and how I will be losing that starting in a little under 2 months. I honestly think I will cry when I have to leave that place. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-58639291005266650602013-11-06T18:02:00.001-06:002013-11-07T14:48:34.970-06:00MemoriesNovember 6th, and was welcomed this morning by the crisp, wet whiteness that is always accompanied by the first snow fall of the year. Hard to believe we are approaching the end of another year and starting to welcome in the next one. This year has seemed to fly by faster then any other before it and I ask myself why that is. Is it because I was finally able to experience the life I had always wanted to? Was it because I actually enjoyed almost everyday instead of wishing and waiting for better ones ahead? Or maybe it was simply because I had so much happening that time just flew by. Either way this year has brought so much to my life and now it is slowly ending. I was filled with a bitter sweetness this morning of my past year; of the people I have left behind or more truthfully, have left me behind; of the situations I was in and the things that occurred during these situations; of the healing that took place as well as the pain. I close my eyes and I can't even begin to tell you where each day ended and each day began. It's all a blur and a mixing pot of memories. I find as I get older, my memories slowly fade and as they fade so does my memory in general. I find it is growing exceedingly harder and harder to remember things that have happened in my life and I often wonder why that is. If it is my brain's own response to forgetting the past and creating a new, better future, or if instead it is my own awareness of my past that is slowly getting buried in the ruins of life. Either way, I find I live less and less in the past and part of that must be contributing to my forgetfulness. And I have a strange mix of emotions towards this. I have a melancholy feeling. One of sadness that I forget the happy and sad of my past but then happiness to the fact that I am no longer living out my life based on my past and instead in my present and future. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-34355594863711024542013-10-28T23:16:00.001-05:002013-10-28T23:16:37.010-05:00Enjoying the Ordinary Sorry it's been like 2 weeks since I've written anything. It has been a busy few weeks; homework, decisions, helping people with decisions, and just people in general. This last week has been good. I have been at peace with things. I was reminded of a quote the other day:<br />
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And I feel like this is something that I truly do need to remember. So often I can't wait to "get on with life" and have fun but in reality. . . what is in front of me now is just as good as what the future may hold. I can't live waiting for days ahead because then I will miss out on the days now.<br />
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In class the other day, my teacher had us watch a TED talk by Brene Brown. She discussed The Price of Invulnerability; how our world has become intolerant to vulnerability and how this has negatively effected everyone's lives. Symptoms include: business, numbness, perfection, and disappointment with life, etc. And she said one thing that really stood out to me. "In this world, somehow an ordinary life has become synonymous with a meaningless life. And so often we are missing what is truly important because we are on a quest for what is extraordinary, not understanding, that in our ordinary lives, in the ordinary moments of our lives, is really where we can find the most joy."<br />
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So often I don't stop to admire the world and the days around me and I truly contemplate if these are the moments I fall into deep depression.<br />
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But then I ask myself. What does it really mean to enjoy the time today and find joy in the most seemingly meaningless areas of life? I love what one of my friend's often likes to say "Prepare for the worst but hope for the best." Once we do that are we then able to truly focus on the present? Or is enjoying our time now simply disregarding the future and living in the moment regardless of the outcomes or consequences of our actions? I believe this is rash and somewhat immature. What if enjoying life was simply accepting the place we are now and acknowledging the many futures that could arise from now but not sitting and planning your life around that unknown future?<br />
<br />I read a good quote yesterday by Eleanor Roosevelt and it truly stuck with me, "Smart people discuss ideas. Average people discuss events. Stupid people discuss people." What if that also has to do with finding the joy in the ordinary? To discuss life, ideas, and questions instead of trying to make the ordinary extraordinary through gossip or discussion of others? <br />
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Living in the present though is something I find so difficult at times. . . easier said then done that's for sure. There are always those questions on my mind of what if? But I find that the few moments I am able to fully enjoy the here and now, I am the most happiest I have ever been. My smiles are sincere, my eyes shine with hope, love, and joy, and my body feels refreshed and energized. It is an at peace happiness where if you could change anything about the moment, you would choose not to. I have had a few of these moments in the past week. One of them was in the arms of my boyfriend the other night after I had become very irritated with him for absolutely no reason and I had no idea what the reason was. But anyways. The fact that he even wanted to touch me and wrap his arms around me after that made me feel even worse for the irritation I had held towards him. I felt a warmth in my heart for him and tears almost flooded my eyes for how I had been. I had such a weird experience though. I felt so happy and couldn't stop smiling at him. All I wanted was to stay there. No thoughts crossed my mind. I was completely absorbed in the present moment. No lists of things I had to do, no people problems I had to solve, no feelings other than contentment crossed my mind. I lost track of all sense of everything. I thought, when I became aware that I was thinking nothing, that if I died now, I would die happy and content. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-31048219293411949692013-10-14T22:15:00.001-05:002013-10-14T22:23:16.612-05:00Look AroundLife has been something that continually challenges me. It never
seems to get easy. . . or be bearable. My emotions are up and down,
present and absent. My friends are the same. Problems arise when nothing
seems to be left that can have problems. Stress decreases for a moment
before suddenly getting extremely worse. That is my life.<br />
Finding
that one of your friends has fallen back into the drug lifestyle is
something that makes me stop and think. I know she is condoning her
behavior even though deep down she knows that's not what she should be
doing. . . why do I say this? Because I remember a night she sat crying
in my car about how she wanted to change and how she was done with that
lifestyle. I know because I know her. She pulled away from me after that
and I knew she was struggling with the decision.<br />
It's just hard having to watch someone you care about so much slowly ruin their life and not even be aware of it. . .<br />
It's
hard to sit here and look back on my life and who I am now. It's hard
to see how much it has changed in such a short time and how different I
am from who I was not too long ago. Sometimes I just wish I could go
back in time and tell myself some of the things I know now. Sometimes I
wish I could go back and tell myself not to worry about some things I
worried too much about, and to worry more about the things I didn't
worry about at all. . .<br />
Last night I just needed to get away from
all the stress I've been having recently; the things I've been worried
about, the things controlling and flooding my mind, the emotions welled
up inside of me that had begun to push their way out. My boyfriend and I
just decided to take a little drive out into the middle of nowhere and
just hiked through the woods until about 11:30pm. It was nice to be out
in the cold air, in the darkness. There is something about both of those
things that make me forget life and enjoy the thrill of living. Being
outside.<br />
I've just been having too much on my mind. . . like
things involving school, people, projects, work, the fact I found out
some guy told one of my other "friends" that if he ever got a chance to
do something with me (like get me alone) he would and that I see him
often. I've been stressed out. . . I've been scared, terrified. . . and
I've been depressed. Last night relieved my mind of all that until today
when it all came back. And honestly. . . all I want right now is to be
told I'm not alone and that I am loved. That I am loved to the point
that someone would risk their life for me. I want to know that I'm not
just an object, that I'm not just something that exists but, instead,
does actually matter. I feel as if most of my life I have had to defend
myself and I just want someone to defend me for once. I am scared out of
my mind that I may have to defend myself (not that I wouldn't be able
to. . . it's just the thought that someone would do that) and I just
want to know that someone would stand up for me. I hope someone would. I
want to be told they would. I want to know I'm actually at least
somewhat important. . . I feel as if most people have this desire to
feel loved and to be told they are loved and not just those three words.
. . but, instead, every reason behind those three words. And I feel I
have finally come to this point in my life where, that's what I want. To
know that I'm not just loved because of the physical aspects. . . that
it's not all about my physical body but instead for who I am or things
about me. But right now. . . in my life I have yet to hear that. I can't
remember the last time I've even heard it from my parents. I feel like I
would start crying if someone actually did give me that time of their
day.<br />
But since I feel this way, I know others do as well. And honestly, it saddens me that that is that way. I
feel too much of this world focuses on self-gain and self-pleasure that
we forget to look at those around us and how they actually feel. . .<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">We're
born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and
friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not
alone.<br /> -Orson Welles</span> </b></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-65817095357633885882013-10-03T00:25:00.000-05:002013-10-03T00:25:05.473-05:00Delighted Yet Doleful These days. . . oh theses days. These days I have been happy.<br />
That is all. That is it.<br />
I have been happy and that is all I have to say. It is all I need to say. I just have to say I am happy that I have been happy.<br />
And honestly. . . there are days where I do feel like shit and do feel like I could have a little cry fest in a corner by myself. But truthfully that is only over the past and not the present.<br />
These few days I have truly felt happy. Happy in my present situation. . . maybe not mentally or school wise, but I am happy emotionally and relationally.<br />
The other day I went to see my boyfriend because I was having a bad day and I just laid there, in his arms, and he probably doesn't know this but I was crying. I had a moment where I realized that every chapter of my life was completely over, completely closed, that a book had ended and a new book is starting. I realized this. It saddened me. It saddened me to think that though every day nothing seemed to change, over the whole year, everything had changed. It saddened me to think that everything I thought was going to happen never happened and everything I thought would never happen, happened. It saddened me to think that the very people I thought were my best friends, left me. . . even after so many promises. It hurt to think that if he wasn't in my life I would have almost, absolutely nothing left. I would have probably fallen so deeply back into the very place I've been trying so desperately to escape. It scares me.<br />
Honestly, my life scares me. . . just as these random bursts of thunder right now make me jump. I don't know what to expect and things happen. . . things that I would have never thought would have happened and at times I would have never expected. It's this unknown that scares me. It's the thing I have been desiring to run away from. The unknown of life. I'm no longer sure of anything and it scares me. It scares me to feel no longer in control of anything. I don't know where my beliefs lie anymore and I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know what the future will bring and I don't know who or what it will leave behind. Maybe this is why I have such a strong desire to leave. . . I want to feel in control again. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06577246873916710102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066913259006417682.post-87036735212531972172013-09-28T14:19:00.002-05:002013-09-28T14:19:58.778-05:00Drive and Never Look BackLast night my best friend gave me a proposition. We had been driving around for about an hour just talking and listening to the radio. We were driving in an area we didn't know so you can kinda say we were sorta lost. It was late at night about 11pm and we decided to pull into a parking lot of a park as we came back to a more well known area. She turns to me and was like "what if we just ran away? what if we just chucked our phones out the window and drove away with nothing but the clothes on our back, $20 in our pockets, and the blankets in the trunk?" There was a long pause and then she goes "I know we have boyfriends and all but what if we never came back? We wouldn't have to deal with the tears of people from us leaving. . . what if we just started over?" I looked at her and I laughed and smiled and said "what if? Because that is exactly what I want to do right now." <br />
We both sat there before getting out of the car. We pulled the blankets out and then went and laid in the grass staring at the partially cloudy sky. I have to say that I was beyond tempted to just leave... to go on an adventure. I honestly don't know what stopped us from leaving because I had nothing holding me back. I scared myself last night because I came to the point where I had absolutely no guilt about leaving and was about to just leave. I think what may have been stopping us was the fact that it was the middle of the night. . . or maybe it was because we needed a few things before we could leave. . . but then I think. . . it wasn't anything we couldn't have bought along the way. I don't know what stopped us. Maybe is was the fact that we had no where to go and we both had work today. . . who knows.<br />
I have always had this desire to just leave. To leave everything I know behind me and to start anew or at least take a long break from life. . . to be able to go on a long road trip across the U.S. and see the sights and jam out to music and explore places you've never seen before. Adventure. That's what I desire. That's what keeps me feeling alive.<br />
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