Thursday, October 3, 2013

Delighted Yet Doleful

These days. . . oh theses days. These days I have been happy.
That is all. That is it.
I have been happy and that is all I have to say. It is all I need to say. I just have to say I am happy that I have been happy.
And honestly. . . there are days where I do feel like shit and do feel like I could have a little cry fest in a corner by myself. But truthfully that is only over the past and not the present.
These few days I have truly felt happy. Happy in my present situation. . . maybe not mentally or school wise, but I am happy emotionally and relationally.
The other day I went to see my boyfriend because I was having a bad day and I just laid there, in his arms, and he probably doesn't know this but I was crying. I had a moment where I realized that every chapter of my life was completely over, completely closed, that a book had ended and a new book is starting. I realized this. It saddened me. It saddened me to think that though every day nothing seemed to change, over the whole year, everything had changed. It saddened me to think that everything I thought was going to happen never happened and everything I thought would never happen, happened. It saddened me to think that the very people I thought were my best friends, left me. . . even after so many promises. It hurt to think that if he wasn't in my life I would have almost, absolutely nothing left. I would have probably fallen so deeply back into the very place I've been trying so desperately to escape. It scares me.
Honestly, my life scares me. . . just as these random bursts of thunder right now make me jump. I don't know what to expect and things happen. . . things that I would have never thought would have happened and at times I would have never expected. It's this unknown that scares me. It's the thing I have been desiring to run away from. The unknown of life. I'm no longer sure of anything and it scares me. It scares me to feel no longer in control of anything. I don't know where my beliefs lie anymore and I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know what the future will bring and I don't know who or what it will leave behind. Maybe this is why I have such a strong desire to leave. . . I want to feel in control again.   

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