Saturday, September 21, 2013

Set Your Old Heart Free

Why does it seem as if in my life I was never pursued by guys but then suddenly in the last year it was as if I have been swarmed by them. I swear I have had more guys on me this year than I have in my entire life. It's almost like a disease or a swarm of bees. (Not saying guys are a disease. . .) It's more like a nuisance. I was asked out again last night by one of my coworkers. At first I thought he was kidding and then I realized he wasn't. . . I was shocked and didn't know what to say. Honestly. . . I was more shocked in the way he did it not that he did it. Looking at the conversations we have been having over the past few weeks, I could tell we had a strong emotional attachment growing. He just like straight out asked me. What surprised me a little was the fact that he also knew I have a boyfriend but then I remembered something he told me not too long ago, "guys don't care if a girl has a boyfriend or not. If they want her, they will pursue her." I found it insignificant at the time but now I see what he meant by that. The answer I gave him was obviously no but he didn't let it go easily. I did have to work with him again today and I have to say. . . it actually wasn't too bad. He came into work and seemed a little quiet and I asked him if he was okay and he said he was good but we didn't talk very much today. Which is odd being that we normally are always talking to each other. He was also being a little mean today which he does whenever he's not in a good mood. I wasn't necessarily in the best mood today either having gotten barely any sleep last night and just being emotionally wrecked. Today wasn't the best day.
I just find it interesting that all of a sudden it seems as if I have a new guy hitting on me or asking me out every other if not every week. . . and honestly it makes me think. I am completely different then who I was last year and I wonder if that has anything to do with all of this. I find I am a lot less naive and innocent then I was and I find very little things awkward anymore. I like to think I'm more confident in who I am but at the same time I find I don't seem to know who I am anymore. I feel more vulnerable then I have in my entire life yet at the same time I feel the most excitement. I like to think about who I was last year and if I was that person again, if these things would keep happening. I don't have an answer to that question and I have no idea if it would be a yes or no. . . it's just something I tend to wonder about.

I've been thinking recently about my heart. Yes. My heart. I've actually had this thought weighing really heavily on my mind this last week. Why is it that when I start a relationship with someone do I always take small steps? Why do I daintily touch the water and step each foot in carefully instead of jumping with both feet in? And I think I have come to a conclusion, at least a partial one. I have been hurt so much in my life that I find I am scared when it comes to letting go and taking a risk. I have had my heart ripped out, torn in two, smashed into bits, stomped on, spit on, and ground into the ground. I am scared of potentially getting hurt again. And I find this has affected my life in many ways.
1) In the way I choose people I'm interested in. I have only ever been in relationships with people who I don't ever have to give my whole heart to. And the way I do this is by choosing people I feel like I can manipulate or control. (Part of this may also come from being taken advantage of by an ex boyfriend my freshman/sophomore year of high school). I also find I choose people who I won't see very often. Every person I've had a thing with or dated I saw maybe once a week or less and one person I didn't even see for 7 months. I think I did this to distance myself from having to deal with confrontations physically with them. I also tended to choose guys who weren't as physically strong as me or were just as strong. Again I think this was so I could feel powerful and in control of the situations and my life. . .

2) It affects my life by the way I react and respond around people. I don't trust people. I really don't trust people. I'm always very wary about what I share, knowing full well that it could be taken and spun into something that could end up hurting me down the road. I am very wary of doing things with people too, especially if I don't have some sort of control over the situation such as I'm driving or I know where we are going, etc. I am afraid of being taken advantage of or being put in a situation where I feel vulnerable.

3) It affects how I open up to people. I only share certain things with people. Things I know can't be used against me. I never truly open up my heart or mind fully, other wise I know it is potentially setting me up to be taken advantage of (a reoccurring fear obviously).

And I laugh because I am so unsure of my current relationship. . . why? Because he destroys every single one of the defense mechanisms I use. He knows me well enough that he knows when I try to manipulate him, he can read me, he knows my feelings, he knows when I'm not okay, I'm not in control of anything he says or does, he opens up to me and wants me to be open with him, he trusts me and wants me to trust him. And at the same time as unsure I am around him, I feel safe. It's a weird feeling I have never felt. I feel vulnerable and in danger but at the same time safe. And I think it's because I know I can't manipulate and I have no control over anything he chooses to do, but at the same time I know he respects me and is a gentleman and treats me kindly. But I find this is affecting my feelings towards him. I want to feel for him but at the same time I find I pull away because I am unsure. So very unsure. Ok. . . I'm just going to say it. I'm afraid of commitment and by that I mean full and deep commitment. I'm afraid to put my heart on the line again. To take the chance of it getting hurt again. I love being around him and he just makes me happy. Like tonight. . . we literally were laughing the whole time together. And over some of the stupidest things. But either way. . . He is such an enjoyment to be with and I'm lucky to have met him and have him in my life. But, I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I have come to the point where I want to enjoy this time of my life with him and I want to enjoy each moment in the present and I want to allow myself to have these feelings for him but at the same time those fears come into my mind. Those fears of "what if you get hurt again?", "what if you end up wasting your time on him?", "is he really the right person for you?", "what if you end up hurting him?", "what if you meet someone better?". . . . . all those fears come into my head and I hate that. But then I have nights like tonight that just push every single one of those fears out of my mind. I enjoy every second with him and I can't help but smile when I look at him. Where I get to see another one of the many different sides to him and learn to like them all the same. And these are the times I love. To be able to forget everything. To forget all the pain, my past, the sadness, the stress, the anxiety, the disappointment, and the unknown for once; to be able to experience the present as I am living it. . . not to be wishing for better days ahead but to be enjoying each and every second and minute. The time seems to fly by so fast when I do this but it is worth every minute. And I know he feels the same. And honestly. . . that's what makes it so much better. I am learning to love his touch and his smile and his kisses, for I am beginning to miss them when we are apart. And this is what I want. I want to be able to allow myself to miss him and to feel these feelings towards him without having these insecurities from my past rise up. They have affected my life in so many different ways that I am done. I am sick and tired of them not allowing me to experience life and feelings and emotions. I am sick of having a brick wall around my heart and I am sick of feeling empty and emotionless and unresponsive.
Honestly I love music (as you have probably already noticed). Here is a song that really honestly explains my situation . . . .
It's called Hello My Old Heart by The Oh Hello's

Hello, my old heart.
How have you been?
Are you still there inside my chest?
I've been so worried, you've been so still. . . 
barely beating at all.

Oh, don't leave me here alone.
Don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while.
Oh, I don't want to be alone.
I want to find a home, and I want to share it with you.

Hello, my old heart.
It's been so long, since I've given you away.
Every day I add another stone,
to the walls I've built around you,
to keep you safe.

Oh, don't leave me here alone.
Don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while.
Oh, I don't want to be alone.
I want to find a home and I want to share it with you.

Hello, my old heart.
How have you been?
How is it, being locked away?
Don't worry in there.
You're safe and it's true you'll never beat.
But you'll never break.

Because nothing lasts forever.
Some things aren't meant to be.
But you'll never find the answers until you set your old heart free.
Until you set your old heart free.

No comments:

Post a Comment