This week has been beyond busy. There are no words in the human language to explain how busy I have been with school, work, and sleep, and I would even throw in "having a social life" into the mix. I don't know how I am keeping my eyes open anymore. Caffeine and no down time in the day is what I would say is keeping me going. I came to the point last night where my boyfriend took one look at me and replied "you look like you are going to pass out. you're tired." I was like no shit. I close my eyes for one minute and I find myself drifting off. 5 hours of sleep a night for the past 3 weeks isn't necessarily a good thing.
It honestly doesn't help that because of the fact that I've had little sleep and almost no time to myself that I am emotionally drained and emotionally susceptible. I find myself having moments where all I want to do is cry, yell at someone, or go hide in a corner. I find myself becoming more and more easily depressed. I find that all I want to do anymore is leave. I just want to go sit in nature and forget everything and everyone. I don't want to have to deal with people, homework, school, or work. I just want to be alone, in the woods, by a river or lake, listening to music, writing, and just sitting there thinking. I'm sick of my life and I'm sick of being so damn busy all the time. Ok. . . I should rephrase that. I like being busy. I really do. It's better than being bored. I'm just sick of my life. I feel as if life is this monotonous, dull, straight road. It has no ups and downs, no bends or sharp turns, nothing in the way. It's boring. I feel as if everything I do has no end goal to it. It just is. I just am. I exist. I exist and am alive but am not living.
I apologize that this is so depressing but like I said. . . I'm tired so therefore depressed and have a need to rant.
I had a nice conversation yesterday at work though with my co-worker. He honestly truly gets where I am coming from because he's in the same boat. And truthfully, it's nice to know I'm not alone in my life. I'm not the only one who thinks this way or who finds themselves with these same feelings. We both feel like for the past few years of our lives we never knew what we wanted to do. We were afraid to actually take a look inward and ask ourselves what it was that we wanted and so we turned to others. We helped others with their future, we provided for others, and we aided them. Yet then it has come to the point where all these people have moved on and we are still here with absolutely no idea of what to do. . . with the same boring monotonous life. . . . we both feel as if we have nothing to lose and nothing holding us down. I feel as if I could drop my entire life and move somewhere different. In fact, I know I could. I have nothing to lose. I honestly could just drop my entire life and pick up and leave. Yes it may hurt at times and it may suck at first but in reality I know it would be better for me. . . I know that it would give me an adventure, a problem to solve, a chance to breath, an opportunity to start anew, a chance to live- to stop regretting my life and decisions.
Though then I sit here and think . . . it's all just wishful thinking on my part. As much as I would love to do that I know I would never be able to. . . and it would probably never happen, well in the next 2 years at least.
Either way. I know I'm stuck here. But then that reminds me of this good quote by Douglas Adams.
“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
As much as I want to leave and as much as I wish to get away, I believe the place I am right now is the place I need to be. For how long? I don't know. But I do know that it won't be forever. I just hope that one day I will be able to look back on this time in my life and be glad it happened and remember how much I learned from it.