Sunday, August 4, 2013

Confusion: Natural Occurence or my own Self-Destructive Behavior?

It has been a few days. I apologize.

My "ex" wanted to meet for coffee today after I worked. I couldn't resist so I agreed. We just sat there for almost 2 hours and talked...

He kept smiling at me. He looked at me with those eyes... I know that look. It was a look of interest— complete and utter fascination. I even caught him staring at me while I went to go throw away my gum. I turned around and he quickly looked away. I smirked because I thought it was funny and ironic. He would smile and stare at me for absolutely no reason. He complimented me for the first time in a long time. . . he said he really liked the dress I was wearing and thought it looked nice. The whole time, he genuinely wanted to listen to everything I said, and he asked questions... lots of them. His eyes... they were filled with complete respect; even when he misunderstood something I said and got upset. He even got very quiet when I brought up something I had found out earlier in the week. That another one of my friends was interested in me.

You know. It's so different having him here. Like his actual body sitting across from me at a table; making funny faces when he thinks about things, drinking his coffee, staring and smiling, and laughing... oh his laugh. This is the first time we have been like this since before he got back. "This", as in carefree. . . laughing and talking; not giving a shit about anything else except each other.

I get so confused by him sometimes. He's so easy to read at times and then at others, I have absolutely no idea what to think. He told me he only wanted to be friends and nothing more yet he treats me as something much more. He touches me for no reason and flirts with me and then at other times, he seems to not want to be near me at all. He asks me to hang out and then a times tells me that we'll do something "on of these days" or if I "want to". He says he wants to do things and then seemingly makes excuses for why he can't. He pays for everything as much as I tell him not to. He's playing with my heart. He's the one guy I can't see to get under my thumb and I'm afraid that's what is keeping my attached.

I'm much too confused about all of this. I'm sick of him not being clear with me. I'm sick of him not fully deciding what he wants. . . to me he seems more confused than I am.

But then tonight, an old fling came back into my life. He called me out of the blue. I didn't know what to do or think. Obviously, my heart skipped a beat when this happened and I honestly hate that it did. . . Funny how when you think you are done with someone that they have a knack for showing back up, huh? I didn't know what to do and we made small talk for a while until I outright asked him why he decided to talk to me after so long of silence... he didn't know what to say.

I don't know why I put myself in these situations. Honestly. I really don't. Is it self-destructive behavior? Do I have a secret desire to cause a mental break in myself? Because it honestly seems like all the choices I make are designed to cause myself more stress or emotional pain, turmoil, or strain. Why do I allow myself to feel so many different ways towards so many different people? Why do I allow myself to lead on people when I have no good intentions and why do I allow myself to create distance between the people I truly want the closest to me...? Too many questions and not enough answers.

My world is so confusing. Maybe it's time for a break. . . Just what that break would be, I have no idea yet.

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