Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Days of Despondency

Today has been hard. I have this feeling of despondency. I feel as if I have absolutely nothing to live for. I feel like there is nothing going on in my life and I feel bored. Bored with my life and with the future I see for myself right now. I see nothing in my future that is worth being excited for. I feel distant from life and from the world. What am I doing? And what is the point? I've really been struggling with the decision to stay here. I realize now how much I actually wanted to leave... how much I desired to leave. But then I realize that I would have had to be down there for much longer than what I wanted. But then... then I see all the other people I know who are leaving and I am jealous. Jealous that they get to experience a life that I don't and probably never will. I feel like my whole life I've been left out of things since I was home schooled for much of it. I desired for one time in my life to be "normal" and experience life as others do but now I feel like I won't get that. It's not like I haven't experienced life, it's just been a lot different than the average person. . .

All I've ever had, my whole life, is this desire for freedom and for adventure. I actually have a wall in my room that is 1/4 filled with pictures— top to bottom— with pictures of places from all around the world. I've had this desire my whole life to do something... to be a part of something bigger than myself. To get out, to be free, to explore, to be happy, to laugh, to have fun. Those were the dreams and desires I had for myself. I never had a plan for my life like many others have; instead my plan was to be free. And right now... that plan is not coming into existence like I thought it would. But then again... when does life ever become what you want it to become?

Right now I just have this feeling of existence. . . I feel alive but not living. I have a heart that beats blood into my body and a mind that directs my actions and thoughts and words but I am also dead. I exist but I'm not living. I'm not fully alive. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing keeping me distracted from these feelings of emptiness inside of me. But then again. . . maybe it is times like this when I need to analyze those feelings of emptiness instead of ignore them. . . So here I go:

Do you ever have those days when you wonder what you are doing with your life? What your purpose is? Do you ever wonder why you work or why you go to school or why you even do things you enjoy? I do. I wonder what is the point of daily activities. I often wonder why we live if in the end we all die. Isn't everything just a means to an end? What is the point of life when all that ever happens is pain? Is the point of life to make life better for others? Is it to laugh? Is it to do things we enjoy? Is it to earn money or get an education? Why does any of that matter in the end? In all honesty I don't think any of it matters. . . but then I wonder. . . why am I breathing? There must be a reason.

 Sometimes I think that if only I could be adventurous, then I would have fun. But now I wonder if I would actually be happy from that life. If I would actually feel like I'm living or if I would still feel this sense of emptiness. . . life. It's quite confusing.

Like I sit here and think maybe life is to be happy. But then what is the purpose behind that? Then I think that life is to make life better for others. . . but then wouldn't they be doing the same thing so. . . how is that productive? Then I think maybe life is about living for God and spending eternity with him. But then why didn't he just put us all in heaven to begin with? Why do we have to be on earth and breath, eat, and sleep?

Why do we mow our lawns, or clean our houses or even get dressed? Why do we judge others or care about what others think of us? What is the purpose behind those things? Do we just do those things because everyone else is doing those things? Do we all take part in activities such as that because none of us really know what we are doing here?

Sorry that this is pretty deep. It's just what is on my mind right now. . . maybe in the next few days I will move on from this sense of emptiness and again find something else to distract me from these feelings and then I will again enter into this monotonous world. . .

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