Saturday, July 20, 2013

A Mistake?

Why is it that the past few days I have been feeling like I have made a mistake in my life? I feel as if the decision to stay close to home was one that I should not have made. As my life slowly begins to fall apart here, I look at all those around me who are beginning to leave for college. Then I look at myself. I am stuck here... going to community college and hopefully getting into the University in the spring. I've been having to email people at the school I was originally going to, and telling them I am no longer attending. I feel as if I am being left out of something bigger than me and bigger than the current life I am leading. I feel as if those around me are going to experience something that I will probably never experience. It's funny now to look back and to think that in middle school I had such bigger dreams for myself... bigger dreams, aspirations, hopes, and desires. I hate to say it but I feel as if I have failed my younger self. I never thought I would be here. With no plan for life, no desire to go further, stuck at home, going to a community college, with barely any friends, no boyfriend, a low hour/wage job, and no hope of a future. In middle school I always thought I would be this strong, independent, self-confident, smart woman who was getting into top schools and traveling the world and making a difference. I had a future. Now. I am stuck. I honestly have no idea what the future holds for me or what I am going to do. I feel as if my life is slowly falling apart while those around me are beginning to unfold their wings and fly away to experience a whole new beginning. What am I doing? What have I done? Who am I becoming? These are questions I continually ask myself everyday. Then I think... will I ever actually finish school? I have come to the point where I have almost absolutely no motivation for school or life. I feel lost and overwhelmed. I don't know what to do or what I should do. I have no idea where I fit in or what my purpose is. I have absolutely no idea of what to think anymore. I don't know what next year will bring let alone tomorrow. I have no plan. No ideas. No desires. I don't even know what I want anymore. Do you know how hard that is? To have no clue of your own desires? I feel disconnected. From others and from myself. I feel I am lost in the midst and I don't know where I stand or where I belong.
And this belonging I speak of is not one of acceptance but instead one of association and common understanding. I feel as if I am on no shared goals with others or even shared futures. I am alone. Alone in my future and alone in my decisions. I am not alone emotionally or physically but I am alone mentally. And that seems to be the hardest.
I morn the loss of a future I was looking forward to as I grieve the changing of schools, yet deep down I know that this more seemingly boring and pointless choice will possibly turn out to be the right one.  I must wait and see what will happen. Have patience for my future and have hope that it will all turn out in the end.
Everyone has their own paths to travel- some more properly and obviously marked then others- but paths none the less. I have my path, even though it seems very much invisible, it still exists. Where this path leads? I do not know nor do I understand... but perhaps one day I will. Then I will look back to today and thank the Lord I made this decision. But right now... right now I have to keep walking.

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