Confusion: Natural Occurence or my own Self-Destructive Behavior?

It has been a few days. I apologize.

My "ex" wanted to meet for coffee today after I worked. I couldn't resist so I agreed. We just sat there for almost 2 hours and talked...

He kept smiling at me. He looked at me with those eyes... I know that look. It was a look of interest— complete and utter fascination. I even caught him staring at me while I went to go throw away my gum. I turned around and he quickly looked away. I smirked because I thought it was funny and ironic. He would smile and stare at me for absolutely no reason. He complimented me for the first time in a long time. . . he said he really liked the dress I was wearing and thought it looked nice. The whole time, he genuinely wanted to listen to everything I said, and he asked questions... lots of them. His eyes... they were filled with complete respect; even when he misunderstood something I said and got upset. He even got very quiet when I brought up something I had found out earlier in the week. That another one of my friends was interested in me.

You know. It's so different having him here. Like his actual body sitting across from me at a table; making funny faces when he thinks about things, drinking his coffee, staring and smiling, and laughing... oh his laugh. This is the first time we have been like this since before he got back. "This", as in carefree. . . laughing and talking; not giving a shit about anything else except each other.

I get so confused by him sometimes. He's so easy to read at times and then at others, I have absolutely no idea what to think. He told me he only wanted to be friends and nothing more yet he treats me as something much more. He touches me for no reason and flirts with me and then at other times, he seems to not want to be near me at all. He asks me to hang out and then a times tells me that we'll do something "on of these days" or if I "want to". He says he wants to do things and then seemingly makes excuses for why he can't. He pays for everything as much as I tell him not to. He's playing with my heart. He's the one guy I can't see to get under my thumb and I'm afraid that's what is keeping my attached.

I'm much too confused about all of this. I'm sick of him not being clear with me. I'm sick of him not fully deciding what he wants. . . to me he seems more confused than I am.

But then tonight, an old fling came back into my life. He called me out of the blue. I didn't know what to do or think. Obviously, my heart skipped a beat when this happened and I honestly hate that it did. . . Funny how when you think you are done with someone that they have a knack for showing back up, huh? I didn't know what to do and we made small talk for a while until I outright asked him why he decided to talk to me after so long of silence... he didn't know what to say.

I don't know why I put myself in these situations. Honestly. I really don't. Is it self-destructive behavior? Do I have a secret desire to cause a mental break in myself? Because it honestly seems like all the choices I make are designed to cause myself more stress or emotional pain, turmoil, or strain. Why do I allow myself to feel so many different ways towards so many different people? Why do I allow myself to lead on people when I have no good intentions and why do I allow myself to create distance between the people I truly want the closest to me...? Too many questions and not enough answers.

My world is so confusing. Maybe it's time for a break. . . Just what that break would be, I have no idea yet.

Life

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.
Last Thursday I really did nothing but Friday I had my friend over for dinner. My parents never met him and wanted to so yup. That went well. Other than that I have just been working all week-end. Today (aka. Sunday since I don't consider it the next day until I sleep and then wake up), I hung out with some friends of mine. We just chilled.

Now this is going to get interesting because you're probably going to be like... but I thought you broke up..? But me and my "ex-boyfriend" are still friends. It was an awkward ending but we are such good friends that we didn't want to let this get in the way of losing that great friendship. So yeah, with that said, I don't think I need to tell you it's an awkward situation and it's awkward having to still be around him so much. Like I love him but at the same time, it's hard being around him when I still like him and I know that he no longer sees me in that way. It makes it even harder when one of the other guys I hang out with likes me. It makes for some awkward situations. . . and I don't know what to do.

So that is kind of what happened tonight. It's like. . . I try not to lead on my friend but sometimes I can't help it. I like the attention and I really don't get a lot of it. . . actually like rarely. And like part of me hopes that it makes my ex see what he's missing out on by seeing me and my friend flirt and such, but at the same time I have part of me that knows it will probably end up pushing them both away. . . And I don't want to see that happen.

I'm beginning to wish I could start my life over. I would probably make so many different decisions. . . but at the same time I sometimes think that the way I act most of the time is because I'm lacking something in some other part of my life. . . like example: I feel like I often like to try and get attention from guys because I don't get any positive attention at home. Or like I try to hang out with people a lot because it's a way for me to feel wanted or loved because I don't actually ever hear people say they love me.

Why can't life be easier? Or more simpler? Or at least. . . easier to understand? Life is so complicated and I'm sick of it. It's a like a puzzle that will never be completed or solved and I need a break so that I can come back and see pieces I've missed before. But I'm afraid it's quite impossible to take a break from life as much as I wish it was possible. I think a break would be classified as death— which isn't necessarily an option at this point as much as I sometimes wish it was. I feel like all my life is ever filled with is with sadness and pain, loneliness and hatred, confusion and anxiousness. Nothing ever seems clear to me and I know nothing ever will. That's how life is. A couple weeks ago everything did seem clear to me and then everything came crashing down in one day. I feel like life often does that and then laughs at me while I try to piece the pieces back together and says "you thought you knew me. . . think again sucker."

I really like the lyrics from the song "Counting Stars" by Onerepublic:
"I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive"

Because I find that as much as life can seem so complicated at times, and I find myself acting completely different than I ever thought I would be acting, I find that I would feel dead and monotonous if I did what I thought I would be doing several years ago. . . Life is an interesting thing.

Wednesday Nights are Special it Seems

Nothing beats feeling loved then your mom yelling at you to wake up this morning and telling you you're not allowed to leave the house today and then proceeding to tell you that she thinks your worthless and don't do anything. Love you too mom.


So last night was interesting. I don't know what it is with Wednesday nights but they for some reason always happen to be the nights when interesting things happen. So last night all my friends were busy like usual and so I went to go sit at the park somewhatish near my house. It's like a park that has fountains and water that you can play in. It's really relaxing at night and it's open until midnight unlike every other park around here that closes at 10. So I was sitting there and all of a sudden this drunk guy walks up to me. I was like yes? And he's like "you're a girl aren't you?" And I'm like. . . . uh ya? And he's like "Then you can give me some girl advice. My girl just left me and I really love her and I give her roses every day and she still tells me to go away and I don't know what to do." And I was like "Well why did she leave you?" And he says "because she's jealous. Aren't a lot of girls jealous? I don't know why. Are you a jealous girl?" And I was like "no I'm not. I think guys can be just as jealous. I think it's a human tendency to be afraid of losing something they love so they get jealous." And he was like hmm.
Now you're probably thinking was there a moment where I was scared he was going to do something to me? Hell ya! But then it subsided and I had the feeling that he just needed to talk. Plus there was other people in the park (all couples making out mind you) and I didn't have anywhere to be or anything else to do. So I talked to him for like 30 min. It was kinda funny actually. But he just told me his whole life and we were talking (well as much as you can talk to someone who is like wasted). But then my 3 friends showed up because they had nothing else to do after hanging out. They brought like 2 other people (one of them I knew the other one I didn't). Anyways so then they were talking to the guy too. We all walked around and talked to the guy and did other things until almost midnight when me and my 3 guy friends left and went to McDonald's were we sat there and talked until like 2:30 in the morning.

I find it interesting how things just happen sometimes. How random people start talking to you. How you end up having an unplanned night of laughter. How you feel like you actually belong again. Last night was a good night. An odd night, but a good night nonetheless. It was exactly what I needed. 

Days of Despondency

Today has been hard. I have this feeling of despondency. I feel as if I have absolutely nothing to live for. I feel like there is nothing going on in my life and I feel bored. Bored with my life and with the future I see for myself right now. I see nothing in my future that is worth being excited for. I feel distant from life and from the world. What am I doing? And what is the point? I've really been struggling with the decision to stay here. I realize now how much I actually wanted to leave... how much I desired to leave. But then I realize that I would have had to be down there for much longer than what I wanted. But then... then I see all the other people I know who are leaving and I am jealous. Jealous that they get to experience a life that I don't and probably never will. I feel like my whole life I've been left out of things since I was home schooled for much of it. I desired for one time in my life to be "normal" and experience life as others do but now I feel like I won't get that. It's not like I haven't experienced life, it's just been a lot different than the average person. . .

All I've ever had, my whole life, is this desire for freedom and for adventure. I actually have a wall in my room that is 1/4 filled with pictures— top to bottom— with pictures of places from all around the world. I've had this desire my whole life to do something... to be a part of something bigger than myself. To get out, to be free, to explore, to be happy, to laugh, to have fun. Those were the dreams and desires I had for myself. I never had a plan for my life like many others have; instead my plan was to be free. And right now... that plan is not coming into existence like I thought it would. But then again... when does life ever become what you want it to become?

Right now I just have this feeling of existence. . . I feel alive but not living. I have a heart that beats blood into my body and a mind that directs my actions and thoughts and words but I am also dead. I exist but I'm not living. I'm not fully alive. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing keeping me distracted from these feelings of emptiness inside of me. But then again. . . maybe it is times like this when I need to analyze those feelings of emptiness instead of ignore them. . . So here I go:

Do you ever have those days when you wonder what you are doing with your life? What your purpose is? Do you ever wonder why you work or why you go to school or why you even do things you enjoy? I do. I wonder what is the point of daily activities. I often wonder why we live if in the end we all die. Isn't everything just a means to an end? What is the point of life when all that ever happens is pain? Is the point of life to make life better for others? Is it to laugh? Is it to do things we enjoy? Is it to earn money or get an education? Why does any of that matter in the end? In all honesty I don't think any of it matters. . . but then I wonder. . . why am I breathing? There must be a reason.

 Sometimes I think that if only I could be adventurous, then I would have fun. But now I wonder if I would actually be happy from that life. If I would actually feel like I'm living or if I would still feel this sense of emptiness. . . life. It's quite confusing.

Like I sit here and think maybe life is to be happy. But then what is the purpose behind that? Then I think that life is to make life better for others. . . but then wouldn't they be doing the same thing so. . . how is that productive? Then I think maybe life is about living for God and spending eternity with him. But then why didn't he just put us all in heaven to begin with? Why do we have to be on earth and breath, eat, and sleep?

Why do we mow our lawns, or clean our houses or even get dressed? Why do we judge others or care about what others think of us? What is the purpose behind those things? Do we just do those things because everyone else is doing those things? Do we all take part in activities such as that because none of us really know what we are doing here?

Sorry that this is pretty deep. It's just what is on my mind right now. . . maybe in the next few days I will move on from this sense of emptiness and again find something else to distract me from these feelings and then I will again enter into this monotonous world. . .

The Awakening

"Despondency had come upon her there in the wakeful night, and had never lifted. There was no one thing in the world that she desired. There was no human being whom she wanted near her except Robert; and she even realized that the day would come when he, too, and the thought of him would melt out of her existence, leaving her alone." ~ The Awakening by Kate Chopin

I have to say that that book is one in which I identify with so much. The main character, Edna, portrays such an inner struggle that many women face with their desire for freedom yet their feelings of being trapped and held down by the social conventions towards women. She has this desire to keep herself and her own soul to herself. . . to not let anyone take her away from herself. She portrays this struggle as well as all the emotions around a woman who struggles with depression. I relate with Edna in her constant inner struggle and her never-ceasing battle against her emotions and life. Nothing ever seems to go right for Edna. Her husband doesn't understand her, her desire to be a famous artist never takes flight, her emotions are a roller coaster, and the only man she ever loves leaves her because he can never be with her while she's married. . . "Good-by — because I love you". . .

Throughout the book she has "days when she was very happy without knowing why. She was happy to be alive and breathing, when her whole being seemed to be one with the sunlight, the color, the odors, the luxuriant warmth of some perfect Southern day. She liked then to wander alone into strange and unfamiliar places. She discovered many a sunny, sleepy corner, fashioned to dream in. And she found it good to dream and to be alone and unmolested. There were days when she was unhappy, she did not know why,- when it did not seem worth while to be glad or sorry, to be alive or dead; when life appeared to her like a grotesque pandemonium and humanity like worms struggling blindly toward inevitable annihilation. She could not work on such a day, nor weave fancies to stir her pulses and warm her blood."

I relate with her and it gives me a sense of knowing when I read this book. (yes I have read it more than once). I feel as if I am not the only one in my sense of loneliness and confusion. I feel as if I'm not the only one who has a life where seemingly nothing ever goes right. . . I too have times when my despondency doesn't seem to lift. . . when the only person I want is the man who I know will one day melt out of my existence.

*spoiler alert* I am going to spoil the end of the book so beware. 

 Edna reminds me of myself. It actually scares one of my friends with how much I identify with Edna because she ends up killing herself in the end but that is a phase that has passed in my life and I no longer fantasize about that. Instead I can relate with her and understand why she does what she does. . . but I have to say that Kate Chopin does a beautiful job with the ending. . . it captures so much emotion and so much beauty despite the fact that a horrible thing is taking place. There is so much symbolism and foreshadowing that is being lived out. The ending makes me stop and think. It makes me take a breath and relax. It makes my mind flood with so many thoughts that I have nothing to think about. . . either that or it empties my mind of all thoughts. Either way — I have absolutely no sense of where I am or what I feel or what I think for a moment in my life. It is such an odd feeling but I feel as if I found someone who completely understands my soul.

"How strange and awful it seemed to stand naked under the sky! how delicious! She felt like some new-born creature, opening its eyes in a familiar world that it had never known. The foamy wavelets curled up to her white feet, and coiled like serpents about her ankles. She walked out. The water was chill, but she walked on. The water was deep, but she lifted her white body and reached out with a long, sweeping stroke. The touch of the sea is sensuous, enfolding the body in its soft, close embrace. She went on and on. She remembered the night she swam far out, and recalled the terror that seized her at the fear of being unable to regain the shore. She did not look back now, but went on and on, thinking of the bluegrass meadow that she had traversed when a little child, believing that it had no beginning and no end. Her arms and legs were growing tired. She thought of Leonce and the children. They were a part of her life. But they need not have thought that they could possess her, body and soul. How Mademoiselle Reisz would have laughed, perhaps sneered, if she knew! 'And you call yourself an artist! What pretensions, Madame! The artist must possess the courageous soul that dares and defies.' Exhaustion was pressing upon and overpowering her. 'Good-by — because I love you.' He did not know; he did not understand. He would never understand. Perhaps Doctor Mandelet would have understood if she had seen him — but it was too late; the shore was far behind her, and her strength was gone. She looked into the distance, and the old terror flamed up for an instant, then sank again. Edna heard her father's voice and her sister Margaret's. She heard the barking of an old dog that was chained to the sycamore tree. The spurs of the cavalry officer clanged as he walked across the porch. There was the hum of bees, and the musky odor of pinks filled the air."
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A Mistake?

Why is it that the past few days I have been feeling like I have made a mistake in my life? I feel as if the decision to stay close to home was one that I should not have made. As my life slowly begins to fall apart here, I look at all those around me who are beginning to leave for college. Then I look at myself. I am stuck here... going to community college and hopefully getting into the University in the spring. I've been having to email people at the school I was originally going to, and telling them I am no longer attending. I feel as if I am being left out of something bigger than me and bigger than the current life I am leading. I feel as if those around me are going to experience something that I will probably never experience. It's funny now to look back and to think that in middle school I had such bigger dreams for myself... bigger dreams, aspirations, hopes, and desires. I hate to say it but I feel as if I have failed my younger self. I never thought I would be here. With no plan for life, no desire to go further, stuck at home, going to a community college, with barely any friends, no boyfriend, a low hour/wage job, and no hope of a future. In middle school I always thought I would be this strong, independent, self-confident, smart woman who was getting into top schools and traveling the world and making a difference. I had a future. Now. I am stuck. I honestly have no idea what the future holds for me or what I am going to do. I feel as if my life is slowly falling apart while those around me are beginning to unfold their wings and fly away to experience a whole new beginning. What am I doing? What have I done? Who am I becoming? These are questions I continually ask myself everyday. Then I think... will I ever actually finish school? I have come to the point where I have almost absolutely no motivation for school or life. I feel lost and overwhelmed. I don't know what to do or what I should do. I have no idea where I fit in or what my purpose is. I have absolutely no idea of what to think anymore. I don't know what next year will bring let alone tomorrow. I have no plan. No ideas. No desires. I don't even know what I want anymore. Do you know how hard that is? To have no clue of your own desires? I feel disconnected. From others and from myself. I feel I am lost in the midst and I don't know where I stand or where I belong.
And this belonging I speak of is not one of acceptance but instead one of association and common understanding. I feel as if I am on no shared goals with others or even shared futures. I am alone. Alone in my future and alone in my decisions. I am not alone emotionally or physically but I am alone mentally. And that seems to be the hardest.
I morn the loss of a future I was looking forward to as I grieve the changing of schools, yet deep down I know that this more seemingly boring and pointless choice will possibly turn out to be the right one.  I must wait and see what will happen. Have patience for my future and have hope that it will all turn out in the end.
Everyone has their own paths to travel- some more properly and obviously marked then others- but paths none the less. I have my path, even though it seems very much invisible, it still exists. Where this path leads? I do not know nor do I understand... but perhaps one day I will. Then I will look back to today and thank the Lord I made this decision. But right now... right now I have to keep walking.

Shit that Happens that Really Shouldn't

So tonight was.... a very eventful night. Let's just put it that way. Starting at 10pm tonight I went out with two of my lovely girlfriends. We went to a karaoke bar, you know to just have fun and all. Well, while there, we happened to call two friends to come. They both came and brought one of their mutual friends. We all 6 then decided we were hungry and headed over to another place to eat. Upon arriving at about 11:45, we ordered some food and played some pool and talked and laughed and had fun. By about 1am, after several games of pool (which I happened to rock at... no biggie), we decided we were being loud and moved outside.

We then proceeded to play some fun truth or dare. Upon the second dare of my African friend having to sing the lion king's main song while standing upon a rock we met a beautiful lovely girl who needed a light. We gave her one and then began talking with her. Soon her sister and we assume boyfriend came out and joined our little pow-wow. It was exciting and I say we had fun. Mostly, it was dare that was chosen and many consisted of: mooning, licking peoples toes, twerking, running shirtless across the parking lot, and a variety of other activities. But I kid you not, at about 2:20ish am I went inside for a trip to the bathroom. Literally I was gone for maybe 2 minutes. I came back and there was the manager outside, the guy we met putting his shirt one, the girl we first met yelling at someone in the parking lot, my three guy friends standing up, and my two girlfriends nowhere to be seen. I quickly went outside and joined my guyfriends and the dude we met went inside. Apparently... right after I walked inside a random guy showed up. My three guyfriends had stood up because they knew something wasn't right and something was about to go down. The guy who walked up apparently popped open a knife and jumped on top of the assumed boyfriend, pulled off his shirt, and everyone flipped out. Things went flying, the bench was flipped, the manager came out, and my two girlfriends got the hell out of there. The guy ended up leaving and no one was hurt (thank God) but what we gathered from the situation was he had just gotten out of jail and was probably the ex-boyfriend of the girl we just met. I felt so bad for this young lady. She was so scared and embarrassed and didn't know what to do. We tried helping and offering her a ride home. We knew she shouldn't go home alone but they said the cops were already at her house. She refused our offered ride home and so we all ended up leaving. I have to say that tonight was an eventful night. Some parts were exciting and some were more terrifying. I have to say though that I'm just glad everyone is ok. . .