Special

Have you ever felt as if love was a forever changing thing? Something that is not constant? I feel as if this is reality or at least that is how I see love as it is towards me. I feel as if love is never a constant stream for me. It comes and it goes... it ebbs and flows. I feel as if one moment I am showered in it while at others I am in a complete desert.

This is one of those times I feel it lacking. I feel thrown aside. I feel unwanted and rejected. You know all I have ever wanted is for someone to say, yes I want you. Without me having to ask. I ask people to hang out with me and all I get is "I don't want to", even from my family. They are all too busy or don't feel like it. I try to make time for people who seem to never want to make time for me. I feel used. I see some people a few times and when I do, all they want is to be pleased then they toss me aside. They don't even bother to try to talk to me and tell me they miss me or want me. I feel as if I reach for them as they watch in pity and laugh.

You know as bad as this is going to sound, I totally thought I saw my ex-boyfriend the other day and my heart skipped a beat. Not because I miss him but because I realized I missed feeling special. He was a jerk and I do NOT miss him at all. But I do miss how he would make me feel special even if it was just to butter me up because he had been extremely hurtful the moment before. But I felt special to him and I fully believe that was the only reason our relationship lasted as long as it did. But he would always remember to tell me he missed me, how much he wanted to see me, how much I meant to him. He would surprise me with things... little things. Like a picked flower, homemade bracelet, cute random 2 sentence notes, love letters in the mail. Even though I only saw him maybe once a week or even once every two weeks, I always knew I was on his mind. I knew he wanted me. I never doubted that.

I miss that.

I miss having someone who adores me more than life itself and who tells me that.

I was laughing this morning when my friend texted me at 6:45am just to tell me she got me something while on vacation and couldn't wait to give it to me when she got back. I've known her for 9 years now and love her with all my heart. I was laughing because at times it seems like she makes me feel more special than any guy ever has. And I to her. We joke all the time about what if we had dated but then we realize neither of us are sexually attracted to the other. Just emotionally. But then I realized I missed her. Because, again, as much as I don't see her very often, I know she cares about me and is thinking about me. And she randomly likes to tell me that too. I laugh because we basically act as if we are in a relationship.

Anyways. Just a random 2 am thought. Can't sleep, so figured I would write out my feelings running through my mind.

"Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You know she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you."