Friday, July 11, 2014


There is something that I have realized over the last two years but have been deathly afraid to admit to myself for fear that I will admit I am weak. But in reality. . . I am weak.

I give into peer pressure extremely easily. My whole life I have always looked up to the people who stand up for what they want and never back down, who aren't afraid to be who they are or do what they want. My best friend Reagan was always one of those people. I always loved the fact about her that she didn't care what her parents said. She wore the things she wanted to regardless of if people thought it looked weird. I loved the fact that she was shameless of the things she enjoyed and she wasn't afraid to speak her mind.

I was never like that. I always came across as being confident in everything I said and believed but in reality I have always been afraid. Afraid of what people think and I find I only say things to appease others. My opinions on things change in an instant to resemble more similarly the person I am talking to so as to prevent a confrontation or argument. My actions change to match those of what people want from me or out of me. I feel extremely threatened by people who naturally get along with my friends because I feel as if I'm going to be tossed aside because I don't have all the same likes or opinions or something that they want. I have an extreme need to be accepted. Growing up I was home schooled because I was bullied in public school. I came home one day telling my mom I wanted to stay home for school and she let me. But there is always that stupid opinion of home schooled kids that they are awkward and antisocial and weird so I never told anyone I was home schooled. I hated the looks and jokes. The sad thing was I actually did sports with public school kids and band and theater. Everyone seemed to like me until they would find out I was home schooled. Then they would stop talking to me. I hated it and I felt alone. I tried to fit in in anyway I could. I stopped wearing my glasses, I stopped eating, I lost weight (even though I already had a normal body weight and type), I exercised more (like a lot more), I joked about the same things they did no matter how wrong it was, I acted as if I didn't care about school even though I loved learning, I acted as if I enjoyed all the same things they did.

What hurt the most was that I didn't even feel accepted in the home school community because I wasn't religious enough or because I didn't grow up in a generational home of home schooled kids or because I acted too much like the public schoolers.

I never felt liked. So I realized that these last 2 years. When I have been pressured the most to do things I said I would never do. And I've done them all. The sad thing is that when I do them or did them, that I would feel "cool" or accepted by those around me. But in reality, I realize now that they didn't care if I did it or not. They would still be my friends or they would still have left like they did. All I did by choosing to take part in those pressures was hurt myself. And to go back on every promise I ever made myself.

I hate looking at people now and see all the things they have stuck with and not changed. I hate it because I'm not like them. I never had the strength to say no. And even if I did, it didn't last for very long. Even if it was one of the deepest held desires in my heart. I honestly think I've only ever made one true choice for myself that I didn't feel pressured into. That honestly was switching colleges last year.

You know as much as I have felt pressured by people, some of the choices have been good ones. But that doesn't mean I was glad I was pressured. No. I've never had a chance to make my own choices. So now I am floundering. I don't know what I'm doing or who I am. I don't know what I believe or how to live with everything I've done. I can only hope that I'll learn from them and be able to help others with it. But my biggest struggle in life right now is. . .

to make my own choices. And to not care what anyone says or thinks. To say no and to stick by it. To stick by my opinions even if I don't have the best comebacks because deep down in my heart I know it is right.

I always say be humble but be firm. 
Humility and openness 
are the key to success 
without compromising your beliefs. 
-George Hickenlooper

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