Closure is a wonderful thing. A very, very, very, very, very wonderful thing. It is an amazingly beautiful thing.
This morning I had the ability to meet with an old friend of mine whom I haven't talked to in 4 years for coffee. Him and I had a falling out several years back leaving me heart broken, very depressed, in major amounts of pain, and distraught. We rehashed old things and discussed what really happened those few eventful years back. The beautiful thing was. . . it felt like we could just pick up right where we left off 4 years ago. I could cry as I write this thinking of how easy it was. How easy it was to laugh, to smile, to giggle, to reminisce with him again. How easy it was to chat about life. Even though we have no idea what has happened the last 4 years in each others lives, we picked up as if we had never stopped talking. This morning I couldn't stop smiling when I was with him. . . I couldn't. I couldn't help but think of all the fond memories I share of us and him and when we were so young. I heard from him how he had blotted out a lot of that time and so had I, but slowly. . . slowly but surely, we unsealed those envelopes long forgotten about and took a look at the pictures and letters within together. Honestly. . . when I first saw him my heart raced. I was so nervous. He waved at me and I about passed out. I didn't show it on the outside but I was a nervous wreck. And honestly. . .while we were talking it was awkward to rehash the past at first but he made it so easy to talk about and after awhile I looked at him and my heart just skipped a beat. I remembered the very reason why I loved him so deeply those few years back. I remembered the very reason I adored him and wanted no one else. But at the same time I looked at him and thought. . . it would never work now. As much as we get along, I feel like it would be weird to have a physical relationship with him. Our relationship has only ever been based on emotional and mental aspects. Never have we kissed. Never have we embraced dearly besides from a small hug. Never have we held hands. Never have we done any of that. And as nice as I think it would be, as weird as I know it would feel, I know it would never work. But then again my heart teases me with maybe that would come with time. . . but then my mind reminds me that he never loved me in that way and never will. But when he told me that he still had the letter I wrote him 2 years back, my heart skipped a beat again. I couldn't help but think why? But I know it had nothing to do with what my heart wished it had been. Love.
We ended up hanging out with him later tonight (we being my boyfriend, my best friend, and I). We went to the casino and then chilled at Perkins. It felt so right to hang out with him again. To laugh and talk. To playfully tease and bring up past events. When I jokingly touched his arm I suddenly felt a warm feeling within me. One I had not felt since he first left my life. But then I looked at my boyfriend who looked at me and I felt guilt. Guilt because my boyfriend has never had the pleasure of knowing I have felt that way with him. I love my boyfriend so much. Do not get me wrong on that. I do love him. We get along wonderfully and he is about everything I have ever wanted. I would want nothing more than to have those feelings I get with my friend with my boyfriend. I would love to have my heart skip a beat when I see, every time I see him and not just occasionally. But sadly. . . that's not how it is. And it saddens me that that is the case.
These feelings I describe are so confusing to me and probably also to you. I love my boyfriend by every sense of the word. I care deeply about my friend. I love my friend but in such a different way. I love my boyfriend in the way that I think about him so much and want to hang out with him all the time and I dream about him and I want to be with him and I would do a lot for him. But I love my friend in the way that I get the feelings of nervousness when I'm with him, I get the feeling of wanting to flirt with him, I have that feeling of love as in an emotional response with him. This may be because he had my heart first but at the same time I don't know. . . At the same time I know in the long run my boyfriend is the person I would rather be with. The person who has truly loved me and truly will. The person who would be the best for me. But at the same time I know some of my heart still belongs to my friend even though I know that it will never be reciprocated. And that saddens me. But it gives me hope having found closure with him today. To know he never hated me. To know that it was a major misunderstanding and to know that we can still talk so openly.
My heart has healing to do. But now I know he is not someone I can not come in contact with. I won't tear up at the sight of him. And he is no longer 'off limits'. It makes it so much easier and it makes me happy. It gives me peace of mind and peace of spirit. It makes me think that I have wasted so much time these past 4 years worrying about something that was a huge misunderstanding and I can honestly say that I have nothing to be sad about anymore. He was the major thing in my life but now. . . I feel as if nothing else remains. Grant it I have sad things that have happened and still are but he is the main thing that caused so much pain in my life. More than everything combined. And now that it is resolved. . . I don't even know what to think or where to begin. I feel more of a freedom. But not a rebellious, dark freedom as before. But a light, hopeful freedom. I have very little driving my dark sense of freedom and rebellion now. . . it's such a weird feeling. . . and I hate it. But I like it at the same time. I don't even know what to think or do or say right now. That is all. And I will leave it at that for tonight. Who ever would have thought. . . that this could have happened to me today. That this day could have existed and occurred. . . I'm so genuinely confused and I feel as if I'm dreaming. I feel as I did at the beginning of this summer. Change is occurring.