Over thinking things leads to negative thoughts but by letting your happiness depend on something you may lose leads to over thinking. Over thinking about whether or not you will lose that something or someone and every little thing that is said or done. I find I over think things so much. I over think the future and every little action I am doing now. I think about how this will affect the future I want. The problem is I don't know what the fuck I want for my future. I have certain things I say I want but in reality they are only what other people have said they want for me. I just want to be free. That is all I want. And what that looks like I don't care. I just want to be happy with where I am and I know I would be happy anywhere. I just want to not worry about having to 'achieve' something or being 'perfect'. I don't want to be tied down. I want to be free. I want to have the opportunity to leave whenever I want. I want to travel. I don't want to be tied to anyone or anything and I don't want people telling me what to do. . . maybe this is why I find I always have this attraction to guys who don't give a shit about anything. Who are spontaneous and have the belief that 'rules are just guidelines'. I find I always crave stimulation from exhilarating things and I find that since I often see myself as a 'free-spirit' that I desire someone who is the same. Someone who still has morals and standards but who is willing to be crazy in circumstances and isn't afraid to get caught or in trouble. Not a "bad boy" mind you. . . just someone who is who they are and who doesn't feel an overwhelming need to follow rules or be 'good'. Who is fine just being. Someone who will not judge me for the things I do or try to stop me from doing the things I enjoy but someone who will let me do those things or even join me in them. Someone who is spontaneous and takes me with them on their adventures; carefree, relaxing, fun-loving, and who understands. Someone who could drop everything in a minutes notice and run away. Who doesn't let their life here tie them down to living a completely different life.
Sometimes I think that I would be totally fine living in a little van or car and traveling the united states by road. In fact, that sounds like something that would be entertaining. I love road trips. I love them even more when you don't even have a plan. So I think that living out of the car/van would be even more fun. To just take a few months to drive and meet people and trek through lands and see sights and have fun. That sounds fun to me.
Anyways. It hit me today. . . pretty hard. . . that I only have less than 2 months left at this school I have called home for so long. I was there today and I had the thought "I am going to miss this place." It was the one place that got me out of my house during my junior and senior year and it is the one place I have ever felt accepted. Everyone who is there is in the same boat. They don't know what they are doing with their lives. All they know is that they are learning and having fun. There is such a sense of community at Normandale it's not even funny. Everyone is so carefree and comfortable with each other. As long as you are open to meeting people, they will be open to you. Classes are like self-help groups, especially the psych classes, but I have definitely had that in other classes like biology, literature, health, history, and even my statistics class. I just realized how important the sense of community is and how I will be losing that starting in a little under 2 months. I honestly think I will cry when I have to leave that place.