Ok... I know I am supposed to be studying right now but I am unable to focus if I don't share my mind.
The year is about to come full circle. Summer is approaching. We finally have sun and can see the swampy ground for the first time in 6months here in Minnesota. But with the sun comes not only joy of an approaching summer but also a bitterness as I realize everything is coming to an end. Things have come full circle. Things are bitter. There is not a joy of coming freedom on the wind. Instead, this wind brings an end. An end to the free-spirit I once held last year as I watch my friends slowly lose control of their lives... as my friends are now beginning to live the consequences of their choices from last summer. And it makes me want to collapse. To collapse into a heap on the floor and give up. Life is too much. It came too much at once. I have expectations and desires to either side of me coming from my childhood, my parents, other adults in my life, my boyfriend, my own mind, my heart, my family, my siblings, my world. I don't feel overwhelmed. That is not the issue. I feel, instead, as if everything I do leads to more and more failure and learning. I feel as if I can do nothing properly or in the way others expect from me. I have people expecting me to heal quickly, to pursue my future goals as fast as I can and on time, I have people expecting me to do everything correctly and in the right order, I have expectations to make up my mind soon on topics I don't want to feel rushed in. I have people accusing me of being unable to make up my mind or relying on others too much. I have expectations placed on me to commit and settle down in a way that prevents exploration of life and enjoying the journey. And then I have to sit back and watch my friends try to cling to last summer and the freedom they had, they felt, and the fun they experienced while I am forced to grow up faster than I have ever wanted to.
Neither of these situations are good. Neither are beneficial and I don't know what to do anymore. And the problem is, I have several different suggestions coming from many different sides of me and from numerous different angles.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be like my friends. I don't want to cling onto something I know is slowly vanishing from between my fingers. I don't want to give away my hopes, dreams, aspirations, and morals for a moment of what seems like freedom and in pursuit of something I know will only leave me tattered, shattered, and broken on the rocks.
But what I do want is freedom. I want discovery. I want adventure. I want a moment to myself. I want to know myself better. I want to know what I want in life for once instead of what I think will be a good decision. I want an experience with myself that will allow me to know what I desire from this life. Because right now, my desire for this one thing blocks out every other desire I may want in my life. Right now, I am following blindly a path I made for myself several years ago before many life changing things happened.
Have you ever felt this way before? Have you ever wondered what you are doing with your life? Some call it a "midlife crisis" but it is surely not one for me. Maybe it is an "emerging adult crisis". Ya... that's what I'll call it. An emerging adult, I have no idea what I'm doing because no one ever told me what to expect, college life crisis. Why couldn't school have actually taught us something useful? Like how to balance a check book, or how to write a resume/cover letter, or how to do taxes and sign a lease or take out a loan or even how to find a good/decent job. Those would have been good things to know/learn. Oh well. I'm just glad I have been slowly finding people to help with those things. The only sucky thing is that since I am a senior next year (because of my credits) I have even less of an amount of time to learn about how life works while other kids normally have about 3-4 years. I have 1 year. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so overwhelmed. Hmm. Now there's a thought. :P