Pride Hurts

Learned last night why too much pride can be such a harmful thing when I was hurt because of someone else's own need to "prove" something. I was denied my black belt last night at our belt test. I have been practicing for 2 1/2 years for it and I was denied it as someone next to me received theirs even after they had made some very basic, lower belt errors.

Now, for those of you who may not know much about Tae kwon do, let me help explain.
You have roughly 2 yrs of training before you get your black belt (if you are not no changed at a test). There are 12 belts before your black belt. You test every 2 months. Now, I have been training 2 1/2 years because I had to take time off for school. When training, you train on a certain form, board break, and some sparing techniques in order to be able to test for your next rank. You receive stripes at the end of your 2 months for those exact things saying you are ready to test. At the test you are required to preform your learned form, board break, and demonstrate sparing effectively. Everyone knows that if you do those effectively, you will advance ranks. The only way in which you won't pass is if you forget crucial parts of your form of don't break your board within 3 tries.

Well, the owner of our place has been on a power hungry streak recently, threatening to no change people for "small details". Well he has been hard on the 2nd and 3rd degrees which makes sense since they are training black belts. But he has been very inconsistent, and unspecific with the colored belts. He has been passing people who visibly mess up form and no changing people who did nothing wrong to prove the point that he is powerful, should be feared and can do what he wants. I was no changed last night for something as small as having 1 or 2 of my 20 front kicks he had us do not be curled back enough. My board break was broken on the first try, on a harder board than what he wanted me to do, my form was almost perfect for my belt level and I demonstrated everything we learned in sparing. He no changed me for front kicks he had the 3 people going for our black belt get back up and do in front of him. Now, let me just make another point, the front kick wasn't even in our form. There was no way we were to know he was going to do that because that is not what we get our stripes for. He also only did it to the 3 of us upper belts and not the whole class, so in that it was very biased, unfair, and planned on his part. I was so pissed when I found out he didn't pass me.

I still am.

Afterwards he proceeded to try to brag to the audience about how he grappled our head instructor and held out for quite a bit as if that was a huge accomplishment.

He always preaches to only compare yourself to yourself but then brags over doing better than others, tells another colored belt that if a kid can break two boards, then he can, tells my own dad that he has "pride issues" and that's why he couldn't break his board. I'm sick of this jerk faced ass hole to get away with what he wants. I don't know what he is trying to prove. He also no changed another kid last test for the same thing he did to me even though everything that kid did was perfect. Then he proceeded to pass 5 other kids who all except 1 had very sloppy done forms. He also passed a girl for her 2nd degree even though she didn't break her board on 3 tries like you're supposed to.

He's power hungry and I'm done.

I can't go back now to finish because I have school so I don't know if I'll ever finish my black belt even after my long time of training. Which to me is heartbreaking. For him to no change me for his own pride and allow me to live with never completing something I've spent so long on.

It is what it is. But I will never accept his decision because I know I did nothing to deserve a no change at my level. I will not beat myself up over this because it was nothing I could have prevented. It was on a kick that wasn't in our form, we had not practiced in a while, we were never told was going to be in the test, and was simply him looking for a reason to no change me.

I'm done with this shit.

Special

Have you ever felt as if love was a forever changing thing? Something that is not constant? I feel as if this is reality or at least that is how I see love as it is towards me. I feel as if love is never a constant stream for me. It comes and it goes... it ebbs and flows. I feel as if one moment I am showered in it while at others I am in a complete desert.

This is one of those times I feel it lacking. I feel thrown aside. I feel unwanted and rejected. You know all I have ever wanted is for someone to say, yes I want you. Without me having to ask. I ask people to hang out with me and all I get is "I don't want to", even from my family. They are all too busy or don't feel like it. I try to make time for people who seem to never want to make time for me. I feel used. I see some people a few times and when I do, all they want is to be pleased then they toss me aside. They don't even bother to try to talk to me and tell me they miss me or want me. I feel as if I reach for them as they watch in pity and laugh.

You know as bad as this is going to sound, I totally thought I saw my ex-boyfriend the other day and my heart skipped a beat. Not because I miss him but because I realized I missed feeling special. He was a jerk and I do NOT miss him at all. But I do miss how he would make me feel special even if it was just to butter me up because he had been extremely hurtful the moment before. But I felt special to him and I fully believe that was the only reason our relationship lasted as long as it did. But he would always remember to tell me he missed me, how much he wanted to see me, how much I meant to him. He would surprise me with things... little things. Like a picked flower, homemade bracelet, cute random 2 sentence notes, love letters in the mail. Even though I only saw him maybe once a week or even once every two weeks, I always knew I was on his mind. I knew he wanted me. I never doubted that.

I miss that.

I miss having someone who adores me more than life itself and who tells me that.

I was laughing this morning when my friend texted me at 6:45am just to tell me she got me something while on vacation and couldn't wait to give it to me when she got back. I've known her for 9 years now and love her with all my heart. I was laughing because at times it seems like she makes me feel more special than any guy ever has. And I to her. We joke all the time about what if we had dated but then we realize neither of us are sexually attracted to the other. Just emotionally. But then I realized I missed her. Because, again, as much as I don't see her very often, I know she cares about me and is thinking about me. And she randomly likes to tell me that too. I laugh because we basically act as if we are in a relationship.

Anyways. Just a random 2 am thought. Can't sleep, so figured I would write out my feelings running through my mind.

"Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You know she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you."

True Beauty

It’s weird how life changes before your eyes. It almost seems like a movie at times in the way time elapses; so quickly yet paused just long enough on the moments that truly make the story. Yet then at times life seems to move along no faster than a cloud; so slowly that you don’t even notice when it has left or when it will ever reappear. People have a funny way of making life seem to speed by or slowly edge along. They come in and out, and stay just long enough for you to learn of yourself and how quick you learn to love and trust. They come and linger long enough for you to grow and watch them grow before one day you awake and they are no longer there. Then they come and they stay. . . long enough until one day they awake and you are no longer living. I found this out the hard way. I, at times, relive the people in my life that have passed, lingered, and stayed. It’s always a surprise to me of how much life changes before us.  How people change. There must be something more to life than the relations we have with the ones surrounding us. There must be more to this life than living everyday for another. At times, I often feel I no longer understood life as completely as I once thought I did. It’s funny how life changes like that. You wake up one morning surrounded by only questions. Questions you once thought you had the answers to but then realized that you had only scratched the surface. Life is full of people. And people make up this world more than even air itself. They keep us sane as well as drive us insane but everyone has a place and without this somewhat chaotic order, we would all plummet to complete confusion. People make the world go around and around. Without them, this Earth would be nothing more than a ball orbiting a sun. With people, this ball suddenly becomes an object with an identity; a sphere with a name. Earth. Filled with something more; life.

I look back at my life and ask myself questions. What truly mattered then? And why did I think it mattered when now it is nothing more than a thought from the past, a pinch of time on the line of eternity, a day to this life, and a feeling all my own? But then it truly does matter because it was a moment. It was a moment where two people collided to make something more. More than the circles we run or the single life we lead. It was a moment where two paths collided, intertwined, or crossed before heading their own way. Those are the moments that leave us learning. But why do we learn and what must we gain from these moments except an acceptance and an acknowlgement that we truly aren’t alone? That no matter if a moment left happiness, pain, or grief, we are to understand that we were allowed to take part in a moment of beauty, where two became one and a masterpiece was sprouted from which a destiny was changed and a life was altered. Maybe it was not altered in a large way, but one small enough to cause future change, future thoughts, future memories and moments for one to look back upon. These themselves are reasons to be glad of any collision we have with another. We had the opportunity to take part in another’s life; to experience this Earth as they do and to catch a glimpse into the mind of another. We created a piece of history.

This world is so beautiful and I find I often lose sight of this. I get caught up in the day to day stresses and instead find myself living in what could be or what was instead of what is. Because what is will become what was and leads to what will be. This world has a beauty like no other and reflects this beauty to me through the people within it. Each person has their own beauty they radiate. But often I get caught up in the act of comparison. I compare my beauty to theirs as one compares a stone to a shell. They both have beauty but they are incomparable. I get caught up in the act of losing sight of what is true, real, and honest. But on those rare occasions I do see the beauty, each person I see is a different creature… a different creation. They amaze, astound, and quiet me. I notice the things about them that are unique to them. They way they move, speak, and think… each thing, unique. It’s the outward appearance of everything inward. It’s the product of their individual DNA, made up of different orders of only 4 nucleotides but in a different way so as to make them completely unique from the person standing next to them or living half way around the world. It is a product of years of childhood, years of paths becoming crossed by others and years of self-seeking. It is this intricate web of life that astounds me and pushes me to learn as much as I can of this human soul. It pushes me to help those around me also see this beauty; to be at peace with themselves, others, and the world.  

It is all this that leads me to questions. Leads me to ask is there more to life than simply worrying of others, forgetting the beauty, and letting fear stifle our intuitive, curious souls. I ask myself why we allow ourselves to do this and why we allow ourselves to disregard the thought that there must be something much bigger than us out there that keeps this world turning.

Pressure

There is something that I have realized over the last two years but have been deathly afraid to admit to myself for fear that I will admit I am weak. But in reality. . . I am weak.

I give into peer pressure extremely easily. My whole life I have always looked up to the people who stand up for what they want and never back down, who aren't afraid to be who they are or do what they want. My best friend Reagan was always one of those people. I always loved the fact about her that she didn't care what her parents said. She wore the things she wanted to regardless of if people thought it looked weird. I loved the fact that she was shameless of the things she enjoyed and she wasn't afraid to speak her mind.

I was never like that. I always came across as being confident in everything I said and believed but in reality I have always been afraid. Afraid of what people think and I find I only say things to appease others. My opinions on things change in an instant to resemble more similarly the person I am talking to so as to prevent a confrontation or argument. My actions change to match those of what people want from me or out of me. I feel extremely threatened by people who naturally get along with my friends because I feel as if I'm going to be tossed aside because I don't have all the same likes or opinions or something that they want. I have an extreme need to be accepted. Growing up I was home schooled because I was bullied in public school. I came home one day telling my mom I wanted to stay home for school and she let me. But there is always that stupid opinion of home schooled kids that they are awkward and antisocial and weird so I never told anyone I was home schooled. I hated the looks and jokes. The sad thing was I actually did sports with public school kids and band and theater. Everyone seemed to like me until they would find out I was home schooled. Then they would stop talking to me. I hated it and I felt alone. I tried to fit in in anyway I could. I stopped wearing my glasses, I stopped eating, I lost weight (even though I already had a normal body weight and type), I exercised more (like a lot more), I joked about the same things they did no matter how wrong it was, I acted as if I didn't care about school even though I loved learning, I acted as if I enjoyed all the same things they did.

What hurt the most was that I didn't even feel accepted in the home school community because I wasn't religious enough or because I didn't grow up in a generational home of home schooled kids or because I acted too much like the public schoolers.

I never felt liked. So I realized that these last 2 years. When I have been pressured the most to do things I said I would never do. And I've done them all. The sad thing is that when I do them or did them, that I would feel "cool" or accepted by those around me. But in reality, I realize now that they didn't care if I did it or not. They would still be my friends or they would still have left like they did. All I did by choosing to take part in those pressures was hurt myself. And to go back on every promise I ever made myself.

I hate looking at people now and see all the things they have stuck with and not changed. I hate it because I'm not like them. I never had the strength to say no. And even if I did, it didn't last for very long. Even if it was one of the deepest held desires in my heart. I honestly think I've only ever made one true choice for myself that I didn't feel pressured into. That honestly was switching colleges last year.

You know as much as I have felt pressured by people, some of the choices have been good ones. But that doesn't mean I was glad I was pressured. No. I've never had a chance to make my own choices. So now I am floundering. I don't know what I'm doing or who I am. I don't know what I believe or how to live with everything I've done. I can only hope that I'll learn from them and be able to help others with it. But my biggest struggle in life right now is. . .

to make my own choices. And to not care what anyone says or thinks. To say no and to stick by it. To stick by my opinions even if I don't have the best comebacks because deep down in my heart I know it is right.

I always say be humble but be firm. 

Humility and openness 

are the key to success 

without compromising your beliefs. 

-George Hickenlooper

The Unseen Person

I think something that goes often unseen or even unmentioned, yet has been felt by each and every one of us, is that of shame. Often times it is the victim that is surrounded with comfort and “it will be okay”s, that we forget to see the perpetrator in it all. Now, I'm not saying to comfort the perpetrator because they did make a bad choice and need to know that. I'm saying that instead of teaching them, we shame them. But why is that? We blame, shame, put down, tear down, abuse, burden, hate, and even spit on those that have committed an act which accidentally or even purposefully hurt another. Yet, we forget that they are simply humans too. They are like us. They also have feelings and by tearing them down and shaming them, we have now made them the victim and us the perpetrator. But our behavior is so much more socially acceptable, because they did it first right? And they have to be socially punished and ostracized and shamed so that they never do it again right? It’s as if we hurt them and burden them so as to try and rid ourselves of the pain, hurt, and sadness we feel at the incident that took place. We try to make them have an outward expression of the inward turmoil we are experiencing.

I had a dream last night.

taken from http://junglok.org/archives/574

In my dream, I was helping this young girl, about 5 or 6, who was afraid of slides. She wanted to go down one but was terrified so I took her up to a slide and helped her go down. It was a small one and she actually did ok and had fun. So then she wanted to try an even bigger slide. As we were going up to it, a bigger kid took her and told her to go down but she was scared, so he just picked her up and slide her down the slide headfirst. She went down the slide really fast and landed head first into the ground and proceeded to do a somersault, landing on her back. The adults around all quickly ran to her and she was crying. In my dream, I remember turning to the boy who was about 8 or 9, and asked him extremely sternly why he would push her down the slide and told him how it was mean and he was mean and that was a bad and wrong thing to do. I did this all without any kindness or even a hint of trying to help him understand what actually happened. The look on his face as I was saying all of this was of guilt and shame and complete and utter helplessness, hopelessness, remorse, and sympathy. At that moment I stopped. I realized that what I was doing was just as wrong and mean as him pushing the little girl down the slide. I was just projecting my embarrassment at having the little girl be hurt, my anger, and my sympathy onto him.

That was when I realized that instead of dealing with my emotions by acknowledging them and saying it is okay to feel them, I lashed out at the boy. How immature and more hurtful is that?

But then, later I asked myself, what is so hard about acknowledging our own emotions and owning them? Is it because we often don’t understand them or have exact words to explain our feeling? That is often my reasoning, but I also began thinking that perhaps there are more reasons. Perhaps we don’t want to own our emotions because we don’t want to think we can be in control of how we respond to a situation whether it is healthy or not? Like, it’s an excuse to act/respond a certain way. As an example, your spouse cheats and you get angry and instead of dealing with the emotion you hit your spouse. Later, you deny it as just being out of anger and not truly you who was acting and that it was really all your spouse’s fault because they cheated- therefore tossing the blame onto them and walking away with little consequences because of your action.

In reality, this just causes more issues and more pain, unresolved feelings, and a never-ending cycle of blame, shame, and immaturity.

Or maybe, perhaps we don’t want to own our emotions because it is too mentally painful. Like in a situation where a loved one died in a drunk driving accident or was raped/molested, or were even murdered. Only God knows how psychologically painful it would be to have to acknowledge the hurt and pain one feels in this situation. The sympathy for the own who was hurt, remorse and shame over not doing something more to prevent that even from happening, self-blame, anger towards the person who committed it, and sadness over the whole incident. By acknowledging all these feelings, we allow ourselves to become open to wall shattering and brokenness. And this is painful and we don’t enjoy being in pain. . .we try to avoid it, so instead, we blame the perpetrator and shame them. We try to take revenge and place all our feelings on them. We begin to believe that if they suffer, we will somehow feel better. But, having studied witnesses and death penalty and such in psychology, very very few (little to none) people feel better when they watch the perpetrator die for their actions. Why? Because we have only simply postponed the grieving process. And some do this for years. We forget that the perpetrators are people too and we treat them as the enemy. When in reality they truly aren’t the enemy. . . they are simply misled by the true enemy. . . evil itself. They have been misled by a lie. A lie that they can take what they want with no consequence, that murder may be the only solution, that they are completely inept and can think clearly when in reality, they too have also not acknowledged their feelings of anger, sadness, desire, etc.

Acknowledging our emotions is part of the grieving process. 

It is also part of the learning process as well as the teaching process.

With the case in my dream, I should have instead, paused to take a look at my feelings and tell myself the boy is not the enemy and then explain to him how the little girl is now hurt and he needs to understand that what he did hurt her but how he is not a bad person, he just made the wrong choice and how I understand he probably feels bad and that’s ok but that he does need to apologize and how he also may now have a consequence (whether natural or not) to his action.

This would have allowed proper “grieving”, learning, and teaching. The boy would be much less likely to make that same choice again then if I had simply yelled at him. With this approach, he sees the association between action and outcome as well as how emotions play into it.

How much more pleasant would this world be if we could all own our emotions?

Another thought I had was, perhaps we don’t often own emotions because we are afraid that it will somehow make us admit we have false, harmful beliefs. Like an example is with shame. Say we are shaming ourselves for a choice we made. We tell ourselves that we are stupid and we believe it. Well by acknowledging that emotion we begin to become aware of the belief we hold of being stupid. But we know deep down that that is not true and therefore have to change it, but it’s hard to change it and would require us to acknowledge other emotions we feel which can be more painful.

But we do need to remember that it is actually healthy and more beautiful in the long run. . . I mean I would rather have a little bit of pain flushing out a bad belief and be happier afterwards, then to have to live in ignorance of the belief and continue to have painful, bad, shameful thoughts every time I make a “mistake” which will happen God knows how much because I am definitely not perfect.

Free-will

A topic was brought up in my Cognitive Psychology class today. That of free will. That of its very existence.

There have been recent studies of the unconscious and conscious mind showing that we are now able to show (through brain activity) the choice someone is going to make 6 seconds before they consciously make that decision. This raises the debate of if there truly is a free-will.

I came to the conclusion of having to define free-will. Many define it as the ability to consciously make a decisions so then by this evidence, we would not possess free-will since our unconscious minds make decisions before we are consciously aware of it. And after the choice is made, we begin to justify every decision our unconscious mind made by trying to tie it into beliefs and values we hold. We would do this to prevent cognitive dissonance and to keep us believing we are in control of our lives.

Now, if you define free-will as the ability (consciously or unconsciously) to make a decision apart from control of an external source, then that evidence just shows the complexity of the human mind and how there are many things that go on in the unnoticeable parts of the brain before they even reach our consciousness.   

But then you have the debate on the controlling ability of outside factors such as genes, nurture, situations, etc. But in reality, those things just affect the things that may happen to us, but they do not affect our ability to choose how we react, feel, or respond to the situations.

Ultimately, I believe we have free-will. We have a mind, and it makes decisions regardless of if we consciously know of them or not. If we didn't have free-will, we would be little puppets controlled by a god or our own basic desires and needs. But the very fact we can decide to believe in a god or withhold our urges, I believe, provides evidence in itself for free-will (or free-choice as some desire to call it). If we didn't have free will, then we would be as the animals are. . . only living to supply and fulfill our basic needs and urges.

Questions on Life

Life. I find I walk around in life questioning everything around me. Almost never do I simply walk down the road or to class and just listen to my music or think of things I have to do. Instead, I find that I watch those around me and I ask questions.

The question I asked myself today . . . what is the point of life? And yes I know that is that one question that every philosopher tries to answer but I don't ask from the way they want answers- as to why we exist. My question is what are we supposed to do with the life we are given? Why do we go to school? To get a degree so we can work? Why do we work? To earn money to live? But then what is living? Is living simply going to work, earning money, and taking care of our needs? But then why do we stress so much to take care of the sick, the weak, and the ones without love or a home? Why do we make such a hassle and big deal over death? Why do people tell others to not kill themselves? Why do we try to save those around us? Is it because life is sacred? Why is it sacred if our only purpose is to supply for our needs so we don't die?

What is that? Is that life? Do we only live so we can suffer through school and work and maybe sometimes have a moment of connection with others that leads to smiles and laughter? But why is this desirable? Why do we want this? Why do we desire to connect to others when in reality we are animals and our only true need is to supply for ourselves?

Do we only supply for ourselves so we prolong death? Why are we afraid of death? Why are we afraid of pain and hurting? Yes, I understand some argue it is an evolutionary trend that we came to acquire a fear of pain to protect from harmful things. But why do we avoid harmful things if the only purpose of living is to supply for our needs and run from death?

These are the questions I contemplate. These are what lead me to wonder about us people and have a strong desire to learn why we are who we are and why we do what we do. . . It is psychology. But during all this I still wonder about myself and about this thing called life. This thing of breathing. This thing of hearts beating and blood flowing. This thing of thoughts and movement. Why do we have needs for adventure or discovery or to be known or to know or to love or to even simply be at peace?

Honestly, the only answer I have for this is the one thing I always seem to come back to. The one thing I grew up in. The one thing that makes sense to me. That we were created for a relationship with God. To experience his love and power as a human here on earth and he as a being all around us. (The only time we will ever be able to experience him not being face-to-face as we will be in heaven). The only thing that makes sense to me is that he gave us these innate desires to explore the world around us because he gave us this world to enjoy. This is what I keep coming back to. And to what I cling.

"Emerging Adult Crisis"

Ok... I know I am supposed to be studying right now but I am unable to focus if I don't share my mind.

The year is about to come full circle. Summer is approaching. We finally have sun and can see the swampy ground for the first time in 6months here in Minnesota. But with the sun comes not only joy of an approaching summer but also a bitterness as I realize everything is coming to an end. Things have come full circle. Things are bitter. There is not a joy of coming freedom on the wind. Instead, this wind brings an end. An end to the free-spirit I once held last year as I watch my friends slowly lose control of their lives... as my friends are now beginning to live the consequences of their choices from last summer. And it makes me want to collapse. To collapse into a heap on the floor and give up. Life is too much. It came too much at once. I have expectations and desires to either side of me coming from my childhood, my parents, other adults in my life, my boyfriend, my own mind, my heart, my family, my siblings, my world. I don't feel overwhelmed. That is not the issue. I feel, instead, as if everything I do leads to more and more failure and learning. I feel as if I can do nothing properly or in the way others expect from me. I have people expecting me to heal quickly, to pursue my future goals as fast as I can and on time, I have people expecting me to do everything correctly and in the right order, I have expectations to make up my mind soon on topics I don't want to feel rushed in. I have people accusing me of being unable to make up my mind or relying on others too much. I have expectations placed on me to commit and settle down in a way that prevents exploration of life and enjoying the journey. And then I have to sit back and watch my friends try to cling to last summer and the freedom they had, they felt, and the fun they experienced while I am forced to grow up faster than I have ever wanted to.

Neither of these situations are good. Neither are beneficial and I don't know what to do anymore. And the problem is, I have several different suggestions coming from many different sides of me and from numerous different angles.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be like my friends. I don't want to cling onto something I know is slowly vanishing from between my fingers. I don't want to give away my hopes, dreams, aspirations, and morals for a moment of what seems like freedom and in pursuit of something I know will only leave me tattered, shattered, and broken on the rocks.

But what I do want is freedom. I want discovery. I want adventure. I want a moment to myself. I want to know myself better. I want to know what I want in life for once instead of what I think will be a good decision. I want an experience with myself that will allow me to know what I desire from this life. Because right now, my desire for this one thing blocks out every other desire I may want in my life. Right now, I am following blindly a path I made for myself several years ago before many life changing things happened.

Have you ever felt this way before? Have you ever wondered what you are doing with your life? Some call it a "midlife crisis" but it is surely not one for me. Maybe it is an "emerging adult crisis". Ya... that's what I'll call it. An emerging adult, I have no idea what I'm doing because no one ever told me what to expect, college life crisis. Why couldn't school have actually taught us something useful? Like how to balance a check book, or how to write a resume/cover letter, or how to do taxes and sign a lease or take out a loan or even how to find a good/decent job. Those would have been good things to know/learn. Oh well. I'm just glad I have been slowly finding people to help with those things. The only sucky thing is that since I am a senior next year (because of my credits) I have even less of an amount of time to learn about how life works while other kids normally have about 3-4 years. I have 1 year. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so overwhelmed. Hmm. Now there's a thought. :P

Hope

Sorry that it has been about a month since I posted. It has been a rocky, rough past couple of weeks. I had a mental breakdown a little over a week ago and am still recovering from it. This past month was rough in every sense of the word and never had I felt so alone. It came to a breaking point where I realized there was nothing I wanted to live for anymore. Again, I was brought to that place of desperation, hopelessness, and loss. It scared me. And not because of the feelings. It scared me because it felt all too familiar. It felt too known and too understood. It scared me because I realized that over the past few years, I really hadn't come as far as I believed or hoped I had. My boyfriend found out the following day and decided that he wasn't going to talk to me for the rest of the day until I told someone.

Obviously I know what you're thinking. Seriously? Why would you just stop talking to an extremely depressed, borderline suicidal person? I don't know. And I don't care what his reasons were but I definitely let him know how much it hurt.
I did end up talking to my parents though. They know my past but they didn't really think anything was continuing or was as bad as it had been. But I made sure they knew it never really ended. We discussed plans of action and things and after a trip to the doctor, I am now on a high dosage of vitamin D (since I was very deficient) and a bunch of other random supplements and vitamins. And I am now to give it 12 weeks. If things don't work well, then I'm to go back in and discuss depression medications and other options.

This past week was semi-refreshing. It has been an interesting week. But I have to say I have been blessed by people. My first day back from break I ran into literally every person I know on campus (which honestly is not very many but still). The rest of the week I keep seeing people and I have been staying in fairly good communication with others so as to not be alone. This past week-end I got to hang out with my boyfriend for the first time in awhile and it was nice. One of the first times in the past few months where we weren't fighting and were actually happy.


So ya. That was the month of March in a nutshell for ya'll.

Peace.

"A man begins to die when he ceases to expect anything from Tomorrow." ~ Abraham Miller

Everything Changes so Quickly

Life changes so much in such a short amount of time. It is something that we can never truly predict but the very same thing we call mundane or boring. Life wasn't anything I expected it to be when I was a child. You grow up. . . I grew up. And I realized the way you may view something as a child takes on an entirely different meaning when you're older. I realized the very people I thought I knew, I really didn't. And how much they can change over the course of even just a year. I've realized I don't know what I believe or think anymore. The few sure foundations I had in my life have either turned their back on me or gone down a track completely opposite of me. Life is something that confuses me and I've realized that in the last few weeks I have fallen back right into the old thinking and old feelings that I was stuck in for years and promised myself I would never go back to. I have begun to see (again) no light at the end of the tunnel. I have begun to see that I truly have no plan for my life and I have begun to see that everything I thought I knew was a lie. I have begun to have no hope of a better life because everywhere I look there is pain, disease, death, crying, weeping, and loneliness. I've come to the point (again) where I just want to give up on life. Where I feel, that for once in my life, I am allowed to be selfish.

But at the same time I know that would be foolish. I have been there before and I have seen the outcome from that. Do I really want to deal with that hassle again?

I feel alone in life. I have no hope in life. I have lost friends. I have friends who have been corrupted. I have my own self questioning things and doing things I would have never thought I would have ever done. But in reality. It's not the acts that make me feel bad- it's the thought of what would everyone else think. When in reality that shouldn't bug me because they are who they are and their opinion of me doesn't matter. If they don't know me then why should they judge? But then I also think........ they probably wouldn't even find out, know, or care. I'm just afraid they will.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have lost hope in humanity. All hope. I have lost trust in the very people I used to trust with my life. I have watched as my few friends I have had in my life have slowly been torn away from me... little by little. And it saddens me. And I feel lost. I don't know what to do anymore except curl up in a blanket and cry and never come out again. Because honestly. . . that seems like the only solution.    

Deep Breath, Get Up, Dust Off, and Begin Again

So much school and so must stress. These last few weeks never seemed like they would end. Actually it came to the point that I just broke out laughing while my boyfriend just broke down in tears. The amount of things that seemed to happen in not even a weeks amount of time was just.... seemingly impossible. I swear we made a new record of all the bad things that can happen in a week. First it started with my boyfriend calling me on Monday night of last week telling me that he lost his credit card and couldn't find it. He had it the night before but was missing it. I told him to check his car (since he had already checked everywhere else) but being that is was really late he said he would check on Tuesday. Tuesday came and he called me again and started telling me how he got a random parking ticket for apparently missing his front license plate on his car. . . . which happened to have been stolen. On top of this he couldn't find his credit card. This then rolled into that night when he broke his phone charger (it got ripped out of the wall). The next day (Wednesday) he accidentally left his phone in his car overnight (and if any of you know how cold it gets in MN in February, then you know it is extremely cold at night and just about everything freezes). His phone then decided to rebel and some of the buttons no longer work. The next thing that happened, was his mom decided to take his car and give him hers as they tried to figure out the license plate situation. After this I got a call from Ian on Friday (Valentine's day), he began telling me he received another ticket for apparently parking next to a fire hydrant which was completely buried in snow and which you could not see. He was not happy after this- obviously, as any normal person would be. On top of this, Sunday his car wouldn't start. We had to try to flag down somebody to come help us jump it. No one seemed to have jumper cables but thank God we found someone who could drive us to a gas station to buy some cables in order to jump the car. By the time we got back it was 1 in the morning. The next day (Monday), he found out he missed a mandatory meeting for ROTC and had to figure all of that out. At this point I just couldn't handle it. Nothing seemed to be going right and I just literally failed a test and did horrible on a paper and had two more tests coming up that week. Ian just broke down crying.

Life seems to be way too stressful at times. I know this may not all seem that stressful but within the short amount of time it happened, it was very stressful. A week is too short of a time to deal with so much stress as well as school and in my case, having to also act as a therapist for several of my friends who were also having very bad weeks. Me and Ian just basically came to the point where we couldn't take it anymore. So as a summary. Let me review that week in a little diagram.

Monday:
-Lost credit card

Tuesday:
-Parking ticket
-Stolen License plate
-Broken phone charger

Wednesday:
-Broken phone

Thursday:
-Traded cars

Friday:
-Another parking ticket

Saturday:
-nothing thank God

Sunday:
-Car wouldn't start/ dead battery
-Finally found someone to help

Monday:
-Missed mandatory meeting

Despite the amount of stress, this week has taught me something. Things happen that you can never expect to happen. Life is full of the unexpected but it's how we chose to react to these unexpected turns that makes us into who we are now. I found that I tried to keep a very positive outlook on life during this time when normally I would just have accepted my fate and dwell in self-defeat. And I found that that is what truly allowed me to recover. I had faith the Lord was going to provide and things would be ok in the end. This gave me so much peace throughout the whole week even though I was stretched to my limits. Ian was stressed to the point he just broke down. I remember him laying on the floor in my room telling me he was done. He didn't want to ever get up again and how he was giving up. I told him that giving up means you are never going to try again. I told him he wasn't giving up and he hasn't given up yet. That I need him and that it will all get better in the end. Whether that be in a day, 2 days, 4 months, or 10 years.

This last week (following the horrible week) though, has honestly been a good recovery week. Still stressful but a lot less shit happening. It has been a chance to take a deep breath, get up, dust ourselves off, and take another shot at life and continue on down the road. Because honestly.... that is all you can do and need to do in life sometimes. Accept the difficulties but still chose to arise and not let them knock you down.    

1/3 Past, 1/3 Future, and 1/3 Present

So as I sit here and attempt to catch up on my reading for a psych class I can't help but let my mind wander. I had a sudden urge to type. . . and just type. I haven't written in a while either and decided that it's probably time to update the blog. This semester has gone by fast and is going extremely well. I'm glad that I have finally moved out because it has given me a chance to be on my own for once. I have also been meeting so many new people and my classes are good. I honestly love the university and seem to have not enough time on my hands. I don't know how that is because I have the same amount of time I did last semester but I really feel as if I have no time. It's quite frustrating at times.

The only down side that I've had being further away is that I never get to see my best friend. Since she doesn't drive, it's hard to find time to see her. I saw her this week for a few hours for the first time since way before school started. It was fun and nice but then I realized how much I miss her. How much I miss having someone in my life that knows me better than I know myself. Someone who I can be completely real with on every level. Now grant it, I am meeting so many cool and awesome people but a lot of them are still in the category of 'friend' and not really in the close friend category. Though I did meet one girl who I just clicked with instantly. She's like awesome and we get along really well. I'm just saddened at the same time because I don't want to feel like I'm replacing my good friend of many years. I don't know how it's going to be next year though because my best friend will probably be in New York for school . . . . so quite a distance. You never know though and I'm not going to dwell on the future because none of us truly know how it will turn out.

That is actually something I've truly been dealing with recently. I've never really been the type to dwell on the future because too many times have I had my hopes and dreams dashed upon the rocks of life and reality. But recently I have found myself daydreaming about life and I keep having to bring myself back to reality and to remind myself that the wonderful future I have fantasized about may or may not happen so it's pointless to think about it. But sometimes that is all that gets me through the day. . . the thought of my future. But also sometimes it brings stress and uncertainty upon my thoughts. And that is harmful. Why stress over something that is not yet upon me? Why can't I live more in the present? I used to really live in the past. For years I did and that was beyond damaging to my mind, soul, and heart. But now I feel I am in the opposite extreme. I dwell in the future more than any other and that's damaging as well. . . I've really been trying to train my mind into evenly splitting into all 3 realms. 1/3 in the past so I don't make the same stupid mistakes again, 1/3 in the future so I know what my goals are and I have hope when times get tough, and 1/3 in the present so I can focus on achieving my goals and creating lasting and meaningful relationships with people. That is what I yearn for. That is what I desire to have.

Change

Life has changed so much. It has changed so much even in the past few months. I feel as if I have grown up. As if my mind has been opened to the world around me and I see how much bigger the world is. How people live. How people communicate. How they do relationships. How they talk, speak, laugh, cry, and respond with nothing but their raw soul. I have seen how such small choices or actions can have such a huge impact on someone or myself. I have met people, new people, and I have gone on adventures with yet others. I have experienced true acceptance. I have experienced community and friends. I have experienced what it means to walk, to breath, to laugh, to cry, to care so deeply for someone, to be excited, to wait in anticipation, to not care about people’s opinions, to be free, to sneak out late at night, to stick your hands out of a car with all the windows down driving on a road through the woods with the mountains in view. I have experienced for just a short time in my life- happiness. I looked forward to the days ahead and to the people I could be with. Depression was something in the back of my mind; still there, but not nearly as forefront. I yearn for that again. I yearn for the warm summer days and the bustling summer nights. They seem so far away now and yet still in the forefront of my mind. I genuinely miss every single person who was apart of that because now it seems so far away. It seems as if we have all moved on with our lives and college and significant others. I am saddened and I’m scared. . . I’m scared of growing up. Of having to have my life planned out, and having to pay attention to bigger things. What ever happened to those days when I could have my hair down, flowing in the wind, short shorts, loose t-shirts, bare feet, warm air, sun on my face, not a care in the world, jumping into wooded lakes, running on railroad tracks, drunken midnight fishing and casino visits, dancing crazily with my friends, running through the rain, long walks through the beaten down trails in the woods, biking half way across town because you had nothing better to do, country drives, planning our futures, discussing life as if it will never change. What happened to freedom? Now I feel like a captured fish. One who swam the seas but now sits wearily in a bowl on the counter. I am truly melancholy. I feel as if I enjoyed the days but they went by way too fast. And I feel like it was a summer never to be repeated because now. . . now I am expected to grow up. I am expected to have plans, to work, to graduate from college, to go to graduate school, to think of a future. And I’m going to make a confession. That’s boring. I don’t want to do that. I want to travel, to go on adventures, to drive and not look back. I have so many things I want to do. The last thing I want to do is stay in one spot.

I’m sitting here staring at my floor in my room right now. It is full of boxes and items strewn everywhere. I move out in 3 days. Saturday. Am I scared? A little. Scared of how the process is going to work. Am I excited? Exceedingly. Am I worried? A little. Of being alone mostly and of having no one there. That is my only worry; that I will be completely abandoned. The funny thing is that when I was younger I always fantasized about leaving and dropping everything and starting fresh and honestly, last year I would have been able to do that. I was ready to do that. Then the spring semester hit and everything changed. I met so many new people and actually lived. Now the two people I still have from all of that, I am afraid to leave. I am afraid to lose. But I learned, this summer, how hard it is to just leave. I had the adventure I thought I would never have until I left this stupid state. . . and I had them right here in this stupid state and town. Quite ironic actually. But now I find I cling to those memories because I am afraid to create new ones. I need to remember that life isn't over. . . it has just begun. And I have many days until it's over. . . and in reality. Life will only last as long as I decide to pursue it. . . that is something I have come to realize. 

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts 

are conscious of our treasures.”

-Thornton Wilder