Closure

Closure is a wonderful thing. A very, very, very, very, very wonderful thing. It is an amazingly beautiful thing.

This morning I had the ability to meet with an old friend of mine whom I haven't talked to in 4 years for coffee. Him and I had a falling out several years back leaving me heart broken, very depressed, in major amounts of pain, and distraught. We rehashed old things and discussed what really happened those few eventful years back. The beautiful thing was. . . it felt like we could just pick up right where we left off 4 years ago. I could cry as I write this thinking of how easy it was. How easy it was to laugh, to smile, to giggle, to reminisce with him again. How easy it was to chat about life. Even though we have no idea what has happened the last 4 years in each others lives, we picked up as if we had never stopped talking. This morning I couldn't stop smiling when I was with him. . . I couldn't. I couldn't help but think of all the fond memories I share of us and him and when we were so young. I heard from him how he had blotted out a lot of that time and so had I, but slowly. . . slowly but surely, we unsealed those envelopes long forgotten about and took a look at the pictures and letters within together. Honestly. . . when I first saw him my heart raced. I was so nervous. He waved at me and I about passed out. I didn't show it on the outside but I was a nervous wreck. And honestly. . .while we were talking it was awkward to rehash the past at first but he made it so easy to talk about and after awhile I looked at him and my heart just skipped a beat. I remembered the very reason why I loved him so deeply those few years back. I remembered the very reason I adored him and wanted no one else. But at the same time I looked at him and thought. . . it would never work now. As much as we get along, I feel like it would be weird to have a physical relationship with him. Our relationship has only ever been based on emotional and mental aspects. Never have we kissed. Never have we embraced dearly besides from a small hug. Never have we held hands. Never have we done any of that. And as nice as I think it would be, as weird as I know it would feel, I know it would never work. But then again my heart teases me with maybe that would come with time. . . but then my mind reminds me that he never loved me in that way and never will. But when he told me that he still had the letter I wrote him 2 years back, my heart skipped a beat again. I couldn't help but think why? But I know it had nothing to do with what my heart wished it had been. Love.

We ended up hanging out with him later tonight (we being my boyfriend, my best friend, and I). We went to the casino and then chilled at Perkins. It felt so right to hang out with him again. To laugh and talk. To playfully tease and bring up past events. When I jokingly touched his arm I suddenly felt a warm feeling within me. One I had not felt since he first left my life. But then I looked at my boyfriend who looked at me and I felt guilt. Guilt because my boyfriend has never had the pleasure of knowing I have felt that way with him. I love my boyfriend so much. Do not get me wrong on that. I do love him. We get along wonderfully and he is about everything I have ever wanted. I would want nothing more than to have those feelings I get with my friend with my boyfriend. I would love to have my heart skip a beat when I see, every time I see him and not just occasionally. But sadly. . . that's not how it is. And it saddens me that that is the case.

These feelings I describe are so confusing to me and probably also to you. I love my boyfriend by every sense of the word. I care deeply about my friend. I love my friend but in such a different way. I love my boyfriend in the way that I think about him so much and want to hang out with him all the time and I dream about him and I want to be with him and I would do a lot for him. But I love my friend in the way that I get the feelings of nervousness when I'm with him, I get the feeling of wanting to flirt with him, I have that feeling of love as in an emotional response with him. This may be because he had my heart first but at the same time I don't know. . . At the same time I know in the long run my boyfriend is the person I would rather be with. The person who has truly loved me and truly will. The person who would be the best for me. But at the same time I know some of my heart still belongs to my friend even though I know that it will never be reciprocated. And that saddens me. But it gives me hope having found closure with him today. To know he never hated me. To know that it was a major misunderstanding and to know that we can still talk so openly.

My heart has healing to do. But now I know he is not someone I can not come in contact with. I won't tear up at the sight of him. And he is no longer 'off limits'. It makes it so much easier and it makes me happy. It gives me peace of mind and peace of spirit. It makes me think that I have wasted so much time these past 4 years worrying about something that was a huge misunderstanding and I can honestly say that I have nothing to be sad about anymore. He was the major thing in my life but now. . . I feel as if nothing else remains. Grant it I have sad things that have happened and still are but he is the main thing that caused so much pain in my life. More than everything combined. And now that it is resolved. . . I don't even know what to think or where to begin. I feel more of a freedom. But not a rebellious, dark freedom as before. But a light, hopeful freedom. I have very little driving my dark sense of freedom and rebellion now. . . it's such a weird feeling. . . and I hate it. But I like it at the same time. I don't even know what to think or do or say right now. That is all. And I will leave it at that for tonight. Who ever would have thought. . . that this could have happened to me today. That this day could have existed and occurred. . . I'm so genuinely confused and I feel as if I'm dreaming. I feel as I did at the beginning of this summer. Change is occurring.

This I Believe

This I believe. I believe in the power of words and of love and forgiveness. Having been raised in a loving Baptist home, I was accustomed to hearing the messages of forgiveness, mercy, love, and compassion though I never truly understood what they meant. This past year I have struggled and faltered with the questions I had regarding these things. What truly is love and what truly is forgiveness? I was in a verbally abusive relationship not too many years back and having watched my father watch it occur and choose to say nothing about it caused me to lose just about all my trust in men. This summer I decided to be mean and manipulative back to them- having toyed with several of them at once. At first I felt in control but something inside me ached with the pain and knowledge that this wasn’t right. Many things brought upon this ache that summer. I did many things I told myself I would never do. Yet, something inside of me also questioned. . . why did I say I would never do those things? Were they truly my own choice? And it really came down to no. I was taught they were right and wrong things but then I questioned is that truly love? But anyways. When I came to realize this my ache went away with a lot of the things I did but the one things it always stayed for was the very thing that was harming others in the process. It eventually came to a halt when I took my full revenge on my ex-boyfriend. I led him on, let him cheat on his girlfriend with me, and then told her. I knew full well he still “loved” me regardless of the way he had treated me in the past and I used that to my advantage. But afterwards I felt horrible. I knew what I had done was not beneficial. It was not kind. It was revenge. It hurt him but it also hurt me. It consumed my mind, my time, and I didn’t care about the needs and values of others. I realized what forgiveness was in that moment and I realized what love was that moment. Love is warnings and shared experiences. Love isn’t fear or threats. Forgiveness is truly letting go resentment and not harboring bitterness. I believe in the power small words can have. . . small words such as I forgive you or will you forgive me or even I love you. I believe words are a way to present our thoughts and feelings to the world and unite us closer with each fellow human being. After that past summer I met a wonderful guy and we started dating. He has slowly been teaching me what love really is and what it entails. He has also been teaching me how to forgive and ask for forgiveness. I went back not too long ago to apologize to my ex-boyfriend. I asked for forgiveness and told him I forgive him for everything. I also am soon meeting with an old friend from 5years ago soon to talk about the past and tell him I forgive him. This understanding of what is love and what is forgiveness has also come about from my deeper and richer understanding of God and through the questions I have asked. I came to realize that what I used to think was love is not love but control. I came to see that the love reflected by my boyfriend is the love reflected to me by God. I came to realize that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial and regardless of our choices (whether they be right or wrong to the world), I am still loved by the one who calls me child.

Love is kindness, mercy, forgiveness, knowing when to let someone make their own decision, a desire to understand, honest, and patient. I believe in love and the power of it.

All Is One and One is All

Everything seems to be slowing down now that the first snowfall has been completed. Snow seems to have that calming effect on people. Yesterday when we the first few inches fluttered to the ground in what some may refer to as a mini blizzard, everything seemed to calm. . . become quiet and serene. It’s as if the world comes to a halt. The world moves slower. . . whether that be from the fact people drive slower to prevent from swerving and spinning out, or whether that be from dreams, memories, and experiences now slowly becoming covered by the white layer of cold, I don’t know. Nor do I understand. Nor do I really want to. To me, the changing of seasons brings about a new chapter of life- the closing of one chapter and the beginning of a new. With the first snowfall comes an understanding of the world in a new light. People slow down. . . they watch as this past year comes to an end and is covered and buried deep, deep down in the hole of picture books and archives, to occasionally be taken out only when the time is right or they want to remember with a smile and a laugh and a fondness of the times of long ago.

I watch as this snow brings an end to a life I can honestly say I am glad I have lived and experienced. As I put away memories into my archive, I slowly relive each one; some with a fondness so sweet and gentle and some with a desire to never experience that again. But each type bring about an appreciation of my life and the things I have been able to experience.

Today in class we discussed gratitude and the things that go along with that. It reminded me of something someone told me once; to stop thinking of the days to come and instead live in the present and appreciate the here and now. Gratitude is something in which I desire to practice more and something I desire to become a part of my everyday life. In the video we watched by Louie Schwartzberg, he discussed being glad you’re alive- how when you begin to look at life around you. . . the faces of the people around you. . . the clouds and the flowers. . . you begin to see a world in which life is valued. In which life is celebrated and only when you open your eyes do you truly see the world around you and can feel grateful for the life you’ve been given. This struck me because having dealt with depression throughout my life I have always had this desire to know and believe life is what I want instead of death. And from watching that video I understood that there is so much about life that makes it better than anything else and makes it something I truly should want.

Our teacher had us eat 3 raisins today. This may sound weird at first but the practice was amazingly beneficial. The 1^st raisin he told us to eat as we would normally. The 2^nd raisin he told us to focus on the aspects of it. To focus on the texture and the taste and how it changes. To be aware of the process it takes to eat this raisin. The 3^rd raisin he told us to stop. To think of all the things that went into making this raisin. That the Buddhists believe that everything is apart of each other. Sunlight went into the creation of the raisin, nutrients from the soil, water, care all went into this raisin. To think when you eat this raisin that you are consuming everything that has contributed to making it what it is. 

Love

So I read this quote today:

A woman is not written in braille, you don’t have to touch her to know her.  -Unknown

 

 

And it honestly seriously caught my attention. My first thought was damn. . . . that's so true. But why do we, as women, so often believe that the only way we are to let men know we love them is to allow them to touch us? So many women, and I think a lot of you can agree with me, regret many of the physical situations they have had with men and feel pressured to rush ahead in many experiences. Why? Because almost every single person has only ever wanted to be known. Not their bodies be known. . . but their mind, their soul, and their heart. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. We have all heard that quote but have any of us really ever sat down and broken it down? What does it really mean? Is it that distance allows people to step apart and away from each other and out of each others arms so that they can truly begin to understand the other person for who they are?

 

Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul. -Charlie Chaplin

That made me stop and think as well. It made me truly question my life and those of people I know. Intimacy is only meant to come when we are able to bare our heart with someone. . . otherwise it is purely lust. And I began to ask myself. . . have I truly opened up to anyone that much as to allow myself to share more than just my heart? Then it made me think back to past relationships I've had and how I have regretted decisions I've made and the things I've done regardless of it be something as simple as holding hands or kissing. And I asked myself why. And the answer I came up with was exactly that quote. I shared myself with them before I shared myself.

Then I was reminded of one of my old relationships with this horrible guy who only ever wanted my body and if he didn't get what he wanted he would emotionally tear me down and I was reminded of what people told me. They told me I deserved better and then I stumbled upon this quote: 

Everyone tells you that you deserve better but no one is willing to give it to you.

And I just froze. I almost broke down because that was exactly what I had felt for years. People told me I deserved someone great and wonderful but at the same time nobody was willing to give me that. No one was willing to give me the time of day they told me I deserved. No one was willing to give me the love they told me I deserved. And then I thought. . . was it because they knew they weren't strong enough to give it? And they knew that someone eventually would come along who was? But then it got me thinking about, isn't that just relying on the future and karma to be exact?

And in the end, we were all just humans. . . 

drunk on the idea that love, only love, 

could heal our brokenness. 

 

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sleep Never Seems to Come

I honestly have to say that sometimes I hate these borderline 'manic' phases I have. . . that I get about every couple months. I can't sleep. I never can. It is 12:30am and I have been up since 7am. Am I tired? Of course not. Could I fall asleep? Not if I tried. I am not tired. I am full of energy and need to go run or something. I can't even focus on anything right now. Like I keep getting distracted while trying to write this. Obviously I have not been stimulated enough today and this is definitely a sign for me that I need to start finding time to exercise again. I need to wear myself out.

But this is really begin to annoy me. The last few nights I haven't gone to bed before 2am. Why? I can't sleep. And every morning I am up at or before 7am. Do I have trouble getting up? Not really. Besides the fact I'm comfortable, I am not tired when I wake up. I need sleep though because I know that it will hit me in a few days.

It's just annoying because during the day too, I'm not tired. And my days seem to go by so quickly. I have been up for almost 16 hours and I feel like I woke up 2 hours ago. My day was a blur even though it was completely boring and pointless.

The troubling thing for me though is I know I'm tired. Like my eyes are heavy but my body is not tired. My mind is not tired. It is racing. My body is awake. I know I'm exhausted but there is no way for me to sleep. I don't feel exhausted but I know I must be.

Well time to go lay in bed for an hour and try to fall asleep. . .

Putting All My Eggs in One Basket

So I find that the last week I have been so happy. And I know what you may be saying. . . "wow. This girl is so bipolar. Always up and down." But in reality it's mainly my own fault I am like that. Majority of the time it is my own thoughts that bring me down, and then my understanding of my thoughts that bring me back up.

I think I am just more surprised I have been this content this week despite the fairly numerous disagreements I have had with people, my boyfriend in particular. He may be upset by me sharing these things but I know he'll forgive me. It started last monday when my therapist made a remark that she thought I tend to with hold my heart from people. That it's hard for me to "put all my eggs in one basket" so to say. She also made a comment about how she believed

several years ago, I shut off some part of me that prevented me from truly giving my feelings over to someone. I have a hard time trusting and it really got me thinking. I went over to my boyfriend's later that day for their Air Force POW/MIA Vigil. (side note: I love seeing my boyfriend in uniform. There's just something about a man in a uniform that is just so damn attractive ;) anyways. sidetracking) I started talking to him about what my therapist had said. He truly agreed and we had a longish discussion on how hard it is for me to trust people. Several days prior we had gotten into another disagreement about people walking away from me. We discussed how my therapist called me emotionally immature and how when certain situations arise I tend to act out of the same age whenever it first arose in my life. It was a conversation that was very needed and I'm glad we had.
I just have to say that I am so blessed to have this man in my life. He is there for me through all my emotional shit and is so patient with me and my learning of proper emotional health.

After Monday, I felt even closer to him than I have felt and I really felt my doubts and reservations about our relationship slowly begin to vanish. I began to embrace my feelings for him. My feelings of love, dedication, loyalty, caring, affection, devotion, adoration, desire, and passion. I literally had the one phrase my therapist told me running through my head. "Let yourself feel. I want you to actually trust him and I want you to feel like it's the worst thing in the world if you were to lose him." And I did.

Later in the week I found messages on his phone. Or saw I should say. And I knew they were something he had mentioned awhile back about his relationship with this good friend of his (a girl). And I knew I never had an issue with it before but that suddenly just struck me. I instantly had the instant fear of potential loss. And not a physical loss. . . but an emotional one. I instantly had the thought that I have finally opened up and finally allowed myself to feel and here I was at the point where I felt like he was pulling away. My next thoughts were that of beating myself up for being so stupid as to trust another person again and I got angry. When I left, I remember driving in my car and just having tears streaming down my face. And I remember telling myself to just feel. To stop getting angry and to not close myself off, to not hold resentment and to instead just feel for once. I bawled. There was a time where I about needed to pull over. I did after a while so as to write a message to my boyfriend about everything I felt. Now this may all sound pathetic but you need to understand why I felt this way. I felt unimportant. As a girl, we have this innate desire to be pursued or at least desired and I didn't feel either. I felt as if this friend of his had more of him than I did in this emotional way. And I don't want to seem clingy or over protective because that has nothing to do with it. It had nothing to do with him talking to her. It had to do with how he was talking to her and how he treated me. I think what bugged me though about the way he talked to her was because I knew their past and how they had discussed at one point being more than friends but how that would never work. It's the fact that that had even been discussed that bugs me. It has been thrown on the table. It was once a possibility. It would have been different if one of them would have been totally uninterested in the other as more than that but they both were interested at one point and that is what bugged me. And I just wanted to feel cherished and like his. I didn't want to be another one of "those girls". I wanted to be the only girl he called his. I still want that. And I don't think that is an insane thing to ask of your significant other. . . anyways. Enough of that. We had a huge long discussion and resolved a lot of it.

Anyways. There is more but I don't think you all need to know that.

My whole point was that despite all this conflict, I feel more at peace than I have all semester. I feel like I am finally at a point where I feel like I am doing the right thing with my life and I am beginning to understand so many things in a different light. In a more educated light I guess you could say. But I am happy and that's what matters. I finally feel like my life is finally going in a direction. It is going somewhere and I have a better idea of what I am doing. I'm not at a loss anymore. And that's what matters.

But growing up still scares me. I may know, generally, what I'm doing but I still am terrified of what the future is going to bring. It scares me to think that I am going to be all on my own soon. . . the very thing I have always wanted. So why is it that now it is the very thing I fear? At least I will have my two best friends helping me and by my side. And now that I am on good speaking terms with my family, I will have them as well. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have the support group I have. Even though it is small, it is bigger than some. And I don't even want to think of what it would be like without them all. I am honestly extremely blessed to have the people in my life that I do.

Freedom

I feel like these two quotes are so interlinked yet so independent of each other, it's not even funny.

Over thinking things leads to negative thoughts but by letting your happiness depend on something you may lose leads to over thinking. Over thinking about whether or not you will lose that something or someone and every little thing that is said or done. I find I over think things so much. I over think the future and every little action I am doing now. I think about how this will affect the future I want. The problem is I don't know what the fuck I want for my future. I have certain things I say I want but in reality they are only what other people have said they want for me. I just want to be free. That is all I want. And what that looks like I don't care. I just want to be happy with where I am and I know I would be happy anywhere. I just want to not worry about having to 'achieve' something or being 'perfect'. I don't want to be tied down. I want to be free. I want to have the opportunity to leave whenever I want. I want to travel. I don't want to be tied to anyone or anything and I don't want people telling me what to do. . . maybe this is why I find I always have this attraction to guys who don't give a shit about anything. Who are spontaneous and have the belief that 'rules are just guidelines'. I find I always crave stimulation from exhilarating things and I find that since I often see myself as a 'free-spirit' that I desire someone who is the same. Someone who still has morals and standards but who is willing to be crazy in circumstances and isn't afraid to get caught or in trouble. Not a "bad boy" mind you. . . just someone who is who they are and who doesn't feel an overwhelming need to follow rules or be 'good'. Who is fine just being. Someone who will not judge me for the things I do or try to stop me from doing the things I enjoy but someone who will let me do those things or even join me in them. Someone who is spontaneous and takes me with them on their adventures; carefree, relaxing, fun-loving, and who understands. Someone who could drop everything in a minutes notice and run away. Who doesn't let their life here tie them down to living a completely different life.

Sometimes I think that I would be totally fine living in a little van or car and traveling the united states by road. In fact, that sounds like something that would be entertaining. I love road trips. I love them even more when you don't even have a plan. So I think that living out of the car/van would be even more fun. To just take a few months to drive and meet people and trek through lands and see sights and have fun. That sounds fun to me. 

Anyways. It hit me today. . . pretty hard. . . that I only have less than 2 months left at this school I have called home for so long. I was there today and I had the thought "I am going to miss this place." It was the one place that got me out of my house during my junior and senior year and it is the one place I have ever felt accepted. Everyone who is there is in the same boat. They don't know what they are doing with their lives. All they know is that they are learning and having fun. There is such a sense of community at Normandale it's not even funny. Everyone is so carefree and comfortable with each other. As long as you are open to meeting people, they will be open to you. Classes are like self-help groups, especially the psych classes, but I have definitely had that in other classes like biology, literature, health, history, and even my statistics class. I just realized how important the sense of community is and how I will be losing that starting in a little under 2 months. I honestly think I will cry when I have to leave that place. 

Memories

November 6th, and was welcomed this morning by the crisp, wet whiteness that is always accompanied by the first snow fall of the year. Hard to believe we are approaching the end of another year and starting to welcome in the next one. This year has seemed to fly by faster then any other before it and I ask myself why that is. Is it because I was finally able to experience the life I had always wanted to? Was it because I actually enjoyed almost everyday instead of wishing and waiting for better ones ahead? Or maybe it was simply because I had so much happening that time just flew by. Either way this year has brought so much to my life and now it is slowly ending. I was filled with a bitter sweetness this morning of my past year; of the people I have left behind or more truthfully, have left me behind; of the situations I was in and the things that occurred during these situations; of the healing that took place as well as the pain. I close my eyes and I can't even begin to tell you where each day ended and each day began. It's all a blur and a mixing pot of memories. I find as I get older, my memories slowly fade and as they fade so does my memory in general. I find it is growing exceedingly harder and harder to remember things that have happened in my life and I often wonder why that is. If it is my brain's own response to forgetting the past and creating a new, better future, or if instead it is my own awareness of my past that is slowly getting buried in the ruins of life. Either way, I find I live less and less in the past and part of that must be contributing to my forgetfulness. And I have a strange mix of emotions towards this. I have a melancholy feeling. One of sadness that I forget the happy and sad of my past but then happiness to the fact that I am no longer living out my life based on my past and instead in my present and future.

Enjoying the Ordinary

Sorry it's been like 2 weeks since I've written anything. It has been a busy few weeks; homework, decisions, helping people with decisions, and just people in general. This last week has been good. I have been at peace with things. I was reminded of a quote the other day:

And I feel like this is something that I truly do need to remember. So often I can't wait to "get on with life" and have fun but in reality. . . what is in front of me now is just as good as what the future may hold. I can't live waiting for days ahead because then I will miss out on the days now.

In class the other day, my teacher had us watch a TED talk by Brene Brown. She discussed The Price of Invulnerability; how our world has become intolerant to vulnerability and how this has negatively effected everyone's lives. Symptoms include: business, numbness, perfection, and disappointment with life, etc. And she said one thing that really stood out to me. "In this world, somehow an ordinary life has become synonymous with a meaningless life. And so often we are missing what is truly important because we are on a quest for what is extraordinary, not understanding, that in our ordinary lives, in the ordinary moments of our lives, is really where we can find the most joy."

So often I don't stop to admire the world and the days around me and I truly contemplate if these are the moments I fall into deep depression.

But then I ask myself. What does it really mean to enjoy the time today and find joy in the most seemingly meaningless areas of life? I love what one of my friend's often likes to say "Prepare for the worst but hope for the best." Once we do that are we then able to truly focus on the present? Or is enjoying our time now simply disregarding the future and living in the moment regardless of the outcomes or consequences of our actions? I believe this is rash and somewhat immature. What if enjoying life was simply accepting the place we are now and acknowledging the many futures that could arise from now but not sitting and planning your life around that unknown future?

I read a good quote yesterday by Eleanor Roosevelt and it truly stuck with me, "Smart people discuss ideas. Average people discuss events. Stupid people discuss people." What if that also has to do with finding the joy in the ordinary? To discuss life, ideas, and questions instead of trying to make the ordinary extraordinary through gossip or discussion of others?

Living in the present though is something I find so difficult at times. . . easier said then done that's for sure. There are always those questions on my mind of what if? But I find that the few moments I am able to fully enjoy the here and now, I am the most happiest I have ever been. My smiles are sincere, my eyes shine with hope, love, and joy, and my body feels refreshed and energized. It is an at peace happiness where if you could change anything about the moment, you would choose not to. I have had a few of these moments in the past week. One of them was in the arms of my boyfriend the other night after I had become very irritated with him for absolutely no reason and I had no idea what the reason was. But anyways. The fact that he even wanted to touch me and wrap his arms around me after that made me feel even worse for the irritation I had held towards him. I felt a warmth in my heart for him and tears almost flooded my eyes for how I had been. I had such a weird experience though. I felt so happy and couldn't stop smiling at him. All I wanted was to stay there. No thoughts crossed my mind. I was completely absorbed in the present moment. No lists of things I had to do, no people problems I had to solve, no feelings other than contentment crossed my mind. I lost track of all sense of everything. I thought, when I became aware that I was thinking nothing, that if I died now, I would die happy and content.

Look Around

Life has been something that continually challenges me. It never seems to get easy. . . or be bearable. My emotions are up and down, present and absent. My friends are the same. Problems arise when nothing seems to be left that can have problems. Stress decreases for a moment before suddenly getting extremely worse. That is my life.
Finding that one of your friends has fallen back into the drug lifestyle is something that makes me stop and think. I know she is condoning her behavior even though deep down she knows that's not what she should be doing. . . why do I say this? Because I remember a night she sat crying in my car about how she wanted to change and how she was done with that lifestyle. I know because I know her. She pulled away from me after that and I knew she was struggling with the decision.
It's just hard having to watch someone you care about so much slowly ruin their life and not even be aware of it. . .
It's hard to sit here and look back on my life and who I am now. It's hard to see how much it has changed in such a short time and how different I am from who I was not too long ago. Sometimes I just wish I could go back in time and tell myself some of the things I know now. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell myself not to worry about some things I worried too much about, and to worry more about the things I didn't worry about at all. . .
Last night I just needed to get away from all the stress I've been having recently; the things I've been worried about, the things controlling and flooding my mind, the emotions welled up inside of me that had begun to push their way out. My boyfriend and I just decided to take a little drive out into the middle of nowhere and just hiked through the woods until about 11:30pm. It was nice to be out in the cold air, in the darkness. There is something about both of those things that make me forget life and enjoy the thrill of living. Being outside.
I've just been having too much on my mind. . . like things involving school, people, projects, work, the fact I found out some guy told one of my other "friends" that if he ever got a chance to do something with me (like get me alone) he would and that I see him often. I've been stressed out. . . I've been scared, terrified. . . and I've been depressed. Last night relieved my mind of all that until today when it all came back. And honestly. . . all I want right now is to be told I'm not alone and that I am loved. That I am loved to the point that someone would risk their life for me. I want to know that I'm not just an object, that I'm not just something that exists but, instead, does actually matter. I feel as if most of my life I have had to defend myself and I just want someone to defend me for once. I am scared out of my mind that I may have to defend myself (not that I wouldn't be able to. . . it's just the thought that someone would do that) and I just want to know that someone would stand up for me. I hope someone would. I want to be told they would. I want to know I'm actually at least somewhat important. . . I feel as if most people have this desire to feel loved and to be told they are loved and not just those three words. . . but, instead, every reason behind those three words. And I feel I have finally come to this point in my life where, that's what I want. To know that I'm not just loved because of the physical aspects. . . that it's not all about my physical body but instead for who I am or things about me. But right now. . . in my life I have yet to hear that. I can't remember the last time I've even heard it from my parents. I feel like I would start crying if someone actually did give me that time of their day.
But since I feel this way, I know others do as well. And honestly, it saddens me that that is that way. I feel too much of this world focuses on self-gain and self-pleasure that we forget to look at those around us and how they actually feel. . .

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
-Orson Welles

Delighted Yet Doleful

These days. . . oh theses days. These days I have been happy.
That is all. That is it.
I have been happy and that is all I have to say. It is all I need to say. I just have to say I am happy that I have been happy.
And honestly. . . there are days where I do feel like shit and do feel like I could have a little cry fest in a corner by myself. But truthfully that is only over the past and not the present.
These few days I have truly felt happy. Happy in my present situation. . . maybe not mentally or school wise, but I am happy emotionally and relationally.
The other day I went to see my boyfriend because I was having a bad day and I just laid there, in his arms, and he probably doesn't know this but I was crying. I had a moment where I realized that every chapter of my life was completely over, completely closed, that a book had ended and a new book is starting. I realized this. It saddened me. It saddened me to think that though every day nothing seemed to change, over the whole year, everything had changed. It saddened me to think that everything I thought was going to happen never happened and everything I thought would never happen, happened. It saddened me to think that the very people I thought were my best friends, left me. . . even after so many promises. It hurt to think that if he wasn't in my life I would have almost, absolutely nothing left. I would have probably fallen so deeply back into the very place I've been trying so desperately to escape. It scares me.
Honestly, my life scares me. . . just as these random bursts of thunder right now make me jump. I don't know what to expect and things happen. . . things that I would have never thought would have happened and at times I would have never expected. It's this unknown that scares me. It's the thing I have been desiring to run away from. The unknown of life. I'm no longer sure of anything and it scares me. It scares me to feel no longer in control of anything. I don't know where my beliefs lie anymore and I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know what the future will bring and I don't know who or what it will leave behind. Maybe this is why I have such a strong desire to leave. . . I want to feel in control again.   

Drive and Never Look Back

Last night my best friend gave me a proposition. We had been driving around for about an hour just talking and listening to the radio. We were driving in an area we didn't know so you can kinda say we were sorta lost. It was late at night about 11pm and we decided to pull into a parking lot of a park as we came back to a more well known area. She turns to me and was like "what if we just ran away? what if we just chucked our phones out the window and drove away with nothing but the clothes on our back, $20 in our pockets, and the blankets in the trunk?" There was a long pause and then she goes "I know we have boyfriends and all but what if we never came back? We wouldn't have to deal with the tears of people from us leaving. . . what if we just started over?" I looked at her and I laughed and smiled and said "what if? Because that is exactly what I want to do right now."
We both sat there before getting out of the car. We pulled the blankets out and then went and laid in the grass staring at the partially cloudy sky. I have to say that I was beyond tempted to just leave... to go on an adventure. I honestly don't know what stopped us from leaving because I had nothing holding me back. I scared myself last night because I came to the point where I had absolutely no guilt about leaving and was about to just leave. I think what may have been stopping us was the fact that it was the middle of the night. . . or maybe it was because we needed a few things before we could leave. . . but then I think. . . it wasn't anything we couldn't have bought along the way. I don't know what stopped us. Maybe is was the fact that we had no where to go and we both had work today. . . who knows.
I have always had this desire to just leave. To leave everything I know behind me and to start anew or at least take a long break from life. . . to be able to go on a long road trip across the U.S. and see the sights and jam out to music and explore places you've never seen before. Adventure. That's what I desire. That's what keeps me feeling alive.

The Heart Can't Be Known

I find I always come back to this point. This point of utter loneliness. Where I lay in bed late at night and stare at the ceiling in the pitch darkness and feel this hole in my heart. Where I feel the feelings and pain of my life come flooding back into my heart, mind, and soul. And nothing ever brings it upon me. Nobody causes it to happen. It happens of it's own accord but I still find myself coming back to this point none-the-less. And I often wonder why. Have I never truly come to terms with or resolved my pain in life? Have I never truly acknowledged everything that has happened? No. I believe I have come to terms with all of it. But then why does it still all come back at times? Is it because it is pain and it never truly leaves you. . . but instead haunts you for the rest of your life? No one can ever make it go away. . . many think if they were simply with me, it would all go away but that's not true. It comes and goes of it's own decision. . . it is it's own creature. And I know I'm not alone in my life. I know there are people who care about me. These feelings just seem to haunt my every being and never seem to leave. . . like a bad dream or a disturbing experience.

This reminds me of another one of my favorite songs. To Fight is To Lose by Mia Dyson.
She says:

But love it can’t keep anyone
From being alone, the heart can’t be known.
Love I’m falling…


And honestly I find that the times these feelings arise the most is when I am the happiest. It's as if I try to self-destruct myself or destroy my own life unconsciously. . . I find that the days I have the most fun and am the happiest are the very nights that I am the most depressed and sad. I find it is a cycle. One that is upside-down and inside-out. It is turned around and crazy. It is weird and makes no sense. But then again. . . when does anything ever make sense? I told my boyfriend that there were times in my life where I felt as if I was always going to be alone and would never have the happiness one has when they share their life and heart with another and honestly. . . Now I know that was all wrong because I am happy now with him. . . but these nights are the times when those thoughts of being forever alone come back to me. When I get that feeling deep in my soul that I know I will be alone; that nothing will work out and I just need to give up sooner rather then later. And I hate that this comes to mind. I am so happy with him and I have finally allowed myself to begin to feel for him but then these feelings and thoughts come up and I hear this stupid voice in my head telling me to give up and that he's not the one and no one will ever be the one. And I don't want to listen to it but sometimes I find myself listening to it. And I know it is my own self-destructive behaviors creeping up again. I find I often like to cause myself emotional pain. . . why? because I think for the longest time that's all I ever felt and so now, that's all I ever know how to deal with and cope with. . . it's all I've ever known. I don't know how to respond to positive emotions so I unconsciously try and push myself back to a place I understand and am familiar with, despite the fact it's the very place where I am in the most pain.
I hate that I do this. . . but maybe by coming to understand this I can combat it and turn it around and maybe eventually I will be able to win this battle over and against myself. Maybe one day I can come to terms with who I am and allow myself to be truly happy for once. One day.

Set Your Old Heart Free

Why does it seem as if in my life I was never pursued by guys but then suddenly in the last year it was as if I have been swarmed by them. I swear I have had more guys on me this year than I have in my entire life. It's almost like a disease or a swarm of bees. (Not saying guys are a disease. . .) It's more like a nuisance. I was asked out again last night by one of my coworkers. At first I thought he was kidding and then I realized he wasn't. . . I was shocked and didn't know what to say. Honestly. . . I was more shocked in the way he did it not that he did it. Looking at the conversations we have been having over the past few weeks, I could tell we had a strong emotional attachment growing. He just like straight out asked me. What surprised me a little was the fact that he also knew I have a boyfriend but then I remembered something he told me not too long ago, "guys don't care if a girl has a boyfriend or not. If they want her, they will pursue her." I found it insignificant at the time but now I see what he meant by that. The answer I gave him was obviously no but he didn't let it go easily. I did have to work with him again today and I have to say. . . it actually wasn't too bad. He came into work and seemed a little quiet and I asked him if he was okay and he said he was good but we didn't talk very much today. Which is odd being that we normally are always talking to each other. He was also being a little mean today which he does whenever he's not in a good mood. I wasn't necessarily in the best mood today either having gotten barely any sleep last night and just being emotionally wrecked. Today wasn't the best day.
I just find it interesting that all of a sudden it seems as if I have a new guy hitting on me or asking me out every other if not every week. . . and honestly it makes me think. I am completely different then who I was last year and I wonder if that has anything to do with all of this. I find I am a lot less naive and innocent then I was and I find very little things awkward anymore. I like to think I'm more confident in who I am but at the same time I find I don't seem to know who I am anymore. I feel more vulnerable then I have in my entire life yet at the same time I feel the most excitement. I like to think about who I was last year and if I was that person again, if these things would keep happening. I don't have an answer to that question and I have no idea if it would be a yes or no. . . it's just something I tend to wonder about.

I've been thinking recently about my heart. Yes. My heart. I've actually had this thought weighing really heavily on my mind this last week. Why is it that when I start a relationship with someone do I always take small steps? Why do I daintily touch the water and step each foot in carefully instead of jumping with both feet in? And I think I have come to a conclusion, at least a partial one. I have been hurt so much in my life that I find I am scared when it comes to letting go and taking a risk. I have had my heart ripped out, torn in two, smashed into bits, stomped on, spit on, and ground into the ground. I am scared of potentially getting hurt again. And I find this has affected my life in many ways.
1) In the way I choose people I'm interested in. I have only ever been in relationships with people who I don't ever have to give my whole heart to. And the way I do this is by choosing people I feel like I can manipulate or control. (Part of this may also come from being taken advantage of by an ex boyfriend my freshman/sophomore year of high school). I also find I choose people who I won't see very often. Every person I've had a thing with or dated I saw maybe once a week or less and one person I didn't even see for 7 months. I think I did this to distance myself from having to deal with confrontations physically with them. I also tended to choose guys who weren't as physically strong as me or were just as strong. Again I think this was so I could feel powerful and in control of the situations and my life. . .

2) It affects my life by the way I react and respond around people. I don't trust people. I really don't trust people. I'm always very wary about what I share, knowing full well that it could be taken and spun into something that could end up hurting me down the road. I am very wary of doing things with people too, especially if I don't have some sort of control over the situation such as I'm driving or I know where we are going, etc. I am afraid of being taken advantage of or being put in a situation where I feel vulnerable.

3) It affects how I open up to people. I only share certain things with people. Things I know can't be used against me. I never truly open up my heart or mind fully, other wise I know it is potentially setting me up to be taken advantage of (a reoccurring fear obviously).

And I laugh because I am so unsure of my current relationship. . . why? Because he destroys every single one of the defense mechanisms I use. He knows me well enough that he knows when I try to manipulate him, he can read me, he knows my feelings, he knows when I'm not okay, I'm not in control of anything he says or does, he opens up to me and wants me to be open with him, he trusts me and wants me to trust him. And at the same time as unsure I am around him, I feel safe. It's a weird feeling I have never felt. I feel vulnerable and in danger but at the same time safe. And I think it's because I know I can't manipulate and I have no control over anything he chooses to do, but at the same time I know he respects me and is a gentleman and treats me kindly. But I find this is affecting my feelings towards him. I want to feel for him but at the same time I find I pull away because I am unsure. So very unsure. Ok. . . I'm just going to say it. I'm afraid of commitment and by that I mean full and deep commitment. I'm afraid to put my heart on the line again. To take the chance of it getting hurt again. I love being around him and he just makes me happy. Like tonight. . . we literally were laughing the whole time together. And over some of the stupidest things. But either way. . . He is such an enjoyment to be with and I'm lucky to have met him and have him in my life. But, I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I have come to the point where I want to enjoy this time of my life with him and I want to enjoy each moment in the present and I want to allow myself to have these feelings for him but at the same time those fears come into my mind. Those fears of "what if you get hurt again?", "what if you end up wasting your time on him?", "is he really the right person for you?", "what if you end up hurting him?", "what if you meet someone better?". . . . . all those fears come into my head and I hate that. But then I have nights like tonight that just push every single one of those fears out of my mind. I enjoy every second with him and I can't help but smile when I look at him. Where I get to see another one of the many different sides to him and learn to like them all the same. And these are the times I love. To be able to forget everything. To forget all the pain, my past, the sadness, the stress, the anxiety, the disappointment, and the unknown for once; to be able to experience the present as I am living it. . . not to be wishing for better days ahead but to be enjoying each and every second and minute. The time seems to fly by so fast when I do this but it is worth every minute. And I know he feels the same. And honestly. . . that's what makes it so much better. I am learning to love his touch and his smile and his kisses, for I am beginning to miss them when we are apart. And this is what I want. I want to be able to allow myself to miss him and to feel these feelings towards him without having these insecurities from my past rise up. They have affected my life in so many different ways that I am done. I am sick and tired of them not allowing me to experience life and feelings and emotions. I am sick of having a brick wall around my heart and I am sick of feeling empty and emotionless and unresponsive.
Honestly I love music (as you have probably already noticed). Here is a song that really honestly explains my situation . . . .
It's called Hello My Old Heart by The Oh Hello's

Hello, my old heart.
How have you been?
Are you still there inside my chest?
I've been so worried, you've been so still. . . 
barely beating at all.

Oh, don't leave me here alone.
Don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while.
Oh, I don't want to be alone.
I want to find a home, and I want to share it with you.

Hello, my old heart.
It's been so long, since I've given you away.
Every day I add another stone,
to the walls I've built around you,
to keep you safe.

Oh, don't leave me here alone.
Don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while.
Oh, I don't want to be alone.
I want to find a home and I want to share it with you.

Hello, my old heart.
How have you been?
How is it, being locked away?
Don't worry in there.
You're safe and it's true you'll never beat.
But you'll never break.

Because nothing lasts forever.
Some things aren't meant to be.
But you'll never find the answers until you set your old heart free.
Until you set your old heart free.

Music Speaks Those Unspoken Words

This morning was an interesting morning and I think I realized a few things. It was a cold morning yet the sun was still shining. It was one of the obvious fall days where you know winter is shortly around the corner. I was driving the school with my best friend and we were discussing how much of an impact music can have on one's feelings. I decided to show her an example of the bond two people can share with music by showing her The Civil Wars. It was a gorgeous song and the light of the sun shown in and bounced off of mirrors, metal objects, and anything else that dances with light. It just gave me this renewed love for music and life. I felt my soul stir as I remembered the days when I would uninhibitedly jump up and down while listening to music, would get so excited over playing classical music, would have ideas appear in my head for chords and melodies for pieces of music I was composing, and the times I would have no other desire than to sit at the piano and write music or learn a new complicated piece on my french horn. Music is my soul and my life. It allows me to feel so much; to feel more than I would with or through anything else in my life. Music speaks the words of my soul. . . those words that can be uttered in no other way. It speaks the feelings that have no description. It communicates clearer and more precisely than I will ever be able to in my life.
Those feelings this morning gave a small jump start to my barely beating soul and gave me this hope that things will get better. It reminded me of the things in life I enjoy and it reminded me to actually pursue those enjoyments. It has been over a month since I have sat down and played piano. . . since I have sat down and studied a piece of Mozart or other music. . . since I sat down and just took in the sun on my face, breathed in the wind, and listened to the sounds of nature.
Is it weird that when I listen to music that I picture far away places or situations in my life? Is it weird that sometimes I see colors race through my mind as I listen to music?
I told my friend this morning that when you find someone who appreciates music as you do, you tend to create this instant bond. This bond that is not relational, physical, or mental; but instead is emotional to depths unknown by anyone else. It is a bond that is unexplainable. It is a bond shared by two people who have experienced a depth and soul gripping emotion that only those who have experienced it can understand. . .
I really have this hope that everyone, at some point in their life, will have a chance to experience this feeling. It is a feeling that never leaves you for as long as you live and gives way to an opportunity to experience life in a new way.
Music. Such a blessing in life. What would we ever do without it?

An Adventure is My Desire, A Journey is What I Need

This week has been beyond busy. There are no words in the human language to explain how busy I have been with school, work, and sleep, and I would even throw in "having a social life" into the mix. I don't know how I am keeping my eyes open anymore. Caffeine and no down time in the day is what I would say is keeping me going. I came to the point last night where my boyfriend took one look at me and replied "you look like you are going to pass out. you're tired." I was like no shit. I close my eyes for one minute and I find myself drifting off. 5 hours of sleep a night for the past 3 weeks isn't necessarily a good thing.
It honestly doesn't help that because of the fact that I've had little sleep and almost no time to myself that I am emotionally drained and emotionally susceptible. I find myself having moments where all I want to do is cry, yell at someone, or go hide in a corner. I find myself becoming more and more easily depressed. I find that all I want to do anymore is leave. I just want to go sit in nature and forget everything and everyone. I don't want to have to deal with people, homework, school, or work. I just want to be alone, in the woods, by a river or lake, listening to music, writing, and just sitting there thinking. I'm sick of my life and I'm sick of being so damn busy all the time. Ok. . . I should rephrase that. I like being busy. I really do. It's better than being bored. I'm just sick of my life. I feel as if life is this monotonous, dull, straight road. It has no ups and downs, no bends or sharp turns, nothing in the way. It's boring. I feel as if everything I do has no end goal to it. It just is. I just am. I exist. I exist and am alive but am not living.
I apologize that this is so depressing but like I said. . . I'm tired so therefore depressed and have a need to rant.
I had a nice conversation yesterday at work though with my co-worker. He honestly truly gets where I am coming from because he's in the same boat. And truthfully, it's nice to know I'm not alone in my life. I'm not the only one who thinks this way or who finds themselves with these same feelings. We both feel like for the past few years of our lives we never knew what we wanted to do. We were afraid to actually take a look inward and ask ourselves what it was that we wanted and so we turned to others. We helped others with their future, we provided for others, and we aided them. Yet then it has come to the point where all these people have moved on and we are still here with absolutely no idea of what to do. . . with the same boring monotonous life. . . . we both feel as if we have nothing to lose and nothing holding us down. I feel as if I could drop my entire life and move somewhere different. In fact, I know I could. I have nothing to lose. I honestly could just drop my entire life and pick up and leave. Yes it may hurt at times and it may suck at first but in reality I know it would be better for me. . . I know that it would give me an adventure, a problem to solve, a chance to breath, an opportunity to start anew, a chance to live- to stop regretting my life and decisions.
Though then I sit here and think . . . it's all just wishful thinking on my part. As much as I would love to do that I know I would never be able to. . . and it would probably never happen, well in the next 2 years at least.
Either way. I know I'm stuck here. But then that reminds me of this good quote by Douglas Adams.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” 

As much as I want to leave and as much as I wish to get away, I believe the place I am right now is the place I need to be. For how long? I don't know. But I do know that it won't be forever. I just hope that one day I will be able to look back on this time in my life and be glad it happened and remember how much I learned from it. 

And Now I Cling to What I Knew

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

~ After the Storm by Mumford & Sons

I feel like I have come to a point where. . . I have no other thoughts about life. I was at work today and happened to see one of my friends who I haven't talked to or seen in quite a while. He was a good friend of mine this summer and someone I hung out with a lot. We kinda chatted a little bit and caught up but then we got on the topic of the other people we used to hang out with. . . honestly. This past summer seems so long ago. It was a summer of adventure and discovery and fun, carefree times. It is a time that I will always cherish in my heart and mind and will acknowledge as a time where I discovered my inner spirit and what I truly valued in life. But talking to this friend tonight I had a sudden overwhelming sense of loneliness, longing, and bitter-sweetness. I felt lonely because I realized that that group of 7 of us were to never be how we used to be. Some of us left for college, others of us just drifted onto another path and still others of us have found we are stuck here and don't know what to do with our lives. I felt a longing because I missed the love we all shared for each other and I missed the only time in my life I ever felt like I belonged where I felt accepted for who I was and I wasn't judged when I didn't know the right answer or said the wrong thing. I felt bitter-sweetness because we shared many times together. We shared good and bad times; times of learning and times of adventure. We experienced many new, illegal, fun, and adventurous things together. We began to understand things about ourselves and we shared them with each other. Some may say we grew up together.
Part of me feels like a chapter of my life is beginning to close and I think seeing that friend tonight really confirmed to me that that chapter has closed. And it honestly. . . it saddened me. I felt such an aching sadness within my soul. But then I came to realize that that chapter was instrumental to creating who I am today and who I am now. I would not be the same person I am today if it wasn't for the past 7 months.
And then part of me felt fear. I will admit it. . . I am afraid. I am fearful. I know there is a new chapter that is beginning to open in my life and I am terrified about what it is going to bring and who it is going to leave behind and who it is going to bring into my life and where it will lead me. As of right now I have no idea what to expect or what to think but I know that soon I will be in the midst of this chapter.
I think this is where I need to remember to live each moment like it's my last. To embrace the time I'm in and not wish for better days ahead. I need to be happy with where I am and what is happening now. . . for this past chapter I spent most of it hoping and wishing for better days I thought were going to happen. But then they didn't happen and I now feel like I wasted this last year of my life not living my days to the fullest. I need to keep reminding myself that life isn't a race. It isn't meant to rush through to the end. It is meant to enjoy every second of every minute of every hour of every day. . .
I find it interesting to look back on your life and think. . . and relive all the days that stand out to you. . . that made an impact on you. . . and wonder who you would be today if those things would have never happened. A different person. That's who I would be. A much. different. person.....

It Came Down with a Crash

Everything really seemed to just come down tonight. Everything. And when I say everything. . . I mean everything. I was in the shower when suddenly everything came down. All the emotions flooded into my being and everything hit me. Everything from the last year. I had this sudden overwhelming feeling of despair. . . of sadness over all the loss, anger over injustice, confusion over situations, and shame over my actions. I felt everything that I wish I had been feeling this last year. I realized how lost and how broken I really am. How, no matter how much of a front I put up, I am falling apart on the inside. And during the midst of bawling my eyes out and trying to stay standing, I felt a tug on my heart. I felt this sudden need to reconnect; to reconnect spiritually. To reconnect with my true self and with God. I felt this tug on my heart telling me that nothing will get better until I fully surrender to him. I have spent so much of this last year running. Running from him and all that I knew he was going to do with my life. And honestly I think I did that because I wanted to "live". To have "fun" and experience "life". I was afraid of the true adventure I knew he would offer me. I ran because I knew it was going to be hard and I wasn't ready for that. I felt the tug on my heart tonight. . . to come back to him and to embrace who I really am and not who I've been.
I felt this sudden clear knowledge in the midst of the overwhelming mix of emotions. I knew what I had to do. I know what I have to do. Now it is just having the strength to do it and the perseverance to not turn away now. . . not turn away yet again. I need to turn my life around and leave this path of destruction I have been going down. This path of constant confusion, pain, and harm. I need to begin to embrace the person I was always meant to be. I need to begin to live. To actually live and not just exist.
Yes, a lot of things are still very confusing for me but as of right now one thing is clear. That is to reconnect. To accept the love and peace offered to me by my one true friend. And then maybe, just maybe, the clouds will begin to clear and things will finally come into sight.

Everything That Kills me Makes me Feel Alive

So that friend that kissed me on Friday. . . . well I guess you can say we are kind of dating now. Honestly I actually have such mixed feelings about this relationship. . . like I don't know what to think. I really like the lyrics from the song Counting Stars by OneRepublic that say

I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive


It is just something that I really resonate with right now. I am a mix of so many feelings. I have so many thoughts. Part of me is glad I am going forward with this relationship. He makes me happy when I'm with him and I love hanging out with him. He's respectful, funny, understanding. Yet then I have another part of me. A part of me that thinks this isn't something I should be doing. And I don't know if it's my own reservations or if it's just me listening to one of my friend's biased and not so good opinion of him. Then I have yet another part of me that doesn't know what to think. My life has been flipped upside down from what it was last year and I don't even seem to know who I am anymore. Everything that has been killing me is exactly what makes me feel alive. Everything I have been doing has been killing me emotionally, mentally, and physically, and yet at the same time I have never felt so alive. Every decision I've made I know isn't right but they all feel right to me. Every time I am forced to behave in a "right" and "innocent" way, I just feel out of place. I don't feel like it's me or who I really am or what I should be doing. And this is one of the reasons why I don't know if I should be in this relationship or not because honestly. . . I'm a flirt. A huge flirt and not one of those annoying girls who are like all giddy and laugh a lot and act stupid. I just flirt. But in reality. . . I feel like I'm not really the type that wants to be in a relationship. Like I do but I don't. I like the friends with benefits situations and flirtatious relationships. Dating relationships bore me. . . where is the fun in that? It just gives me so much more to worry about. Flirting doesn't require any effort or commitment. Why be in a committed, restraining relationship when you can get it all already? That is something I really am struggling with.


And surprisingly another thing I am wrestling with is my religion. And not necessarily what I believe but more why I believe what I believe and why I am choosing to live this way and follow these ways. Everything I once believed in several years ago doesn't seem as important to me as it used to be. . . and honestly this scares me. It terrifies me. I don't know what to do or think. It scares me to think that the very things I held the closest to me are now the very things I am questioning. But at the same time I know that if I go through with ignoring these things I will feel guilty and bad about doing it later on. . . or will I? I have no idea anymore. I don't seem to know where I stand and I am getting so many different opinions and views from people. I honestly am so sick of being different from others, that I'm also afraid that that need and desire to be accepted has led me to this questioning attitude.


I really need to take time to self-examine and reflect on my life and decide what it is that I truly want and what I am to do with my life. . .

Another Kiss, Another Guy

The game has ended. Or has it? That is a question that I am posing and contemplating tonight. You're probably wondering what game. . . the game I have been playing all summer with one of my guy friends. We are kinda both known as people who are teases basically... and we are mutual friends with the guy who kissed me the other day so it's a bit tight of a situation. We are like really close and flirted all the time. But our relationship was odd. We both can and could read each other so well so that neither of us could play the other. We would sneak out together yet do nothing but talk, we would flirt innocently, we would be completely normal around our other friends, and all my good friends think I think he's a creep. We talked a ton and we both played a game; we both had a front to keep up, a reputation to uphold. We played a silent game with each other and whoever was the first to fall for the other lost. It was an unspoken game. Tonight I went to his 2nd cousin's wedding with him. We had planned before to act as if we were dating to play a joke on some people there. It did work. But he was being super close and clingy and I knew there was more going on. Especially when he kissed my head and my arm. I actually had first instincts there was more going on when we chatted last night on the phone about our friend who kissed me the other day. I brought up how our relationship was interesting because we were both flirty but had no interest in dating and he paused and then was like "really? because I could date you if you weren't so much like me. We are so similar that it would be like dating myself but like I don't think it's not possible." I didn't really know what to say and I played it off but that was when I knew I was winning. He was falling for me. But honestly, I have been fighting feelings for him for a while because of his history with one of my friends and his reputation. Anyways. Tonight he kept giving me that look. You know the look. . . the one where you know they want to kiss you. I kept avoiding it and would turn away and he would laugh and say that I was fighting it and I jokingly said he wished I was fighting it because I knew he wanted to kiss me so badly. At the end of the night he walked me to my car. Honestly, we had both been trying so hard that night to not give into anything. And I laughed and told him that if one of us gave in then the game would be over. I said whoever made the first move would have lost and that was why we both fought to not make the first move. We seriously acted like little 12 year olds and beat around the bush for so long until I actually called us out. I said we needed to be honest and that's when he confessed his feelings. He said he did like me and had fallen for me. And he said the game was over and I was like is it? And he said well you need to be honest and I said well I honestly don't know how I feel. Which is true. I rationally over think everything and I knew that if I committed to an answer then it would get even more confusing especially with our other friend who kissed me. Anyways, I said I wasn't going to initiate anything even if given the chance because I'm just not like that and then he said well was this the initiation you were looking for? And he leaned over and kissed me. I kissed him back and we literally made out right there in the parking lot. And to be honest. . . it felt good. Eventually we did chill out a little bit and I told him I really did have to go because I work early tomorrow morning (but now I'm like writing this but whatever xD). Well then I said "no one is to know about this (referring to our friends)" and he said no one. And I was like seriously no one. And he said no one and then kissed me again and I was like I have to go and he said one more? And I was like sure and we kissed again and then I eventually got him off of me and as he was about to leave he was like "that sure didn't feel like 'I don't know' to me" and I just looked at him and then he said good night and walked away.
After that, I left thinking oh my God. What the fuck did I just do? I just made my situation so much more complicated. And I'm still sitting here thinking that I have no fucking idea what is going on anymore. And I feel like I'm becoming such a different person, especially from the person I was last summer. . . It is so easy for me to play people and cut off my emotions. It is so easy for me to not care about anything and to go along with just about anything. That is definitely not what I would have been like last year. At. All. But now I don't even know what to think anymore. . . Especially after tonight. I just made everything more complicated. I had a thing with the guy who kissed me a couple days ago and now I just went and made out with his best friend.

But to add more drama on top of this, the guy who kissed me a couple days ago is apparently going out with another girl on a date next week and he does like her. Which means he lied to my face. I even told him that that wasn't okay. He was then honest with me and told me he's confused right now and thinks he likes this other girl. And I honestly don't know what to do right now. I feel like it would break his heart even more to find out me and his best friend have been hiding all this behind his back for a while now and then just made matters worse tonight. But where do my feelings lie you may ask? My feelings. . . those are so complicated. Especially since I got fucked over by my "ex" like almost 2 months ago. I feel as if I have no heart to give. I feel as if I have no emotions within me to let out. I don't like this friend who kissed me a couple days ago. At one point I thought I might a little and again after he kissed me but honestly, I know now that I never really had feelings for him and more just liked the attention he gave me. I just don't know how to tell him that. . . though I do think he is beginning to see he ruined his chances with me and hopefully this won't end horribly. He did actually apologize to me last night about kissing me. . . Well so what about this guy tonight you're probably wondering? Well. . . I don't know. I do actually like him a little but at the same time I honestly feel like I have no emotions to give and I have no feelings at all. I feel like I have been hurt so much that I have hidden my heart away and have learned how to control and lock away my feelings quite well. The last few times I allowed myself to feel, I got fucked over. First by my first love/best friend who went for my other friend and then told me he didn't want to have anything to do with me, secondly by my old ex boyfriend who cheated on me, and thirdly by this recent guy who told me he just wanted to be friends and didn't want to do distance. So truthfully. . . I have no emotions about any of this and that's what kills me the most. I want to have feelings. I want to feel. I need to be guided by something and my mind is so overwhelmed at the moment that it has to be my heart but it is so damaged that it's incapable of doing anything at the moment.
Why can't there ever be an easy solution or one that is evidently the right one. . . ?

School and Drama

Well school started yesterday and honestly. . . I was already over the school year before I even set foot into the building. Yes, my classes are actually fun and interesting but I'm confused on why I ever thought it would be a good idea to take 3 psychology classes in one semester. It is going to be hell. So. much. homework. and it's only the second day of class. Oh goodness. . . to make matters worse. . . my life is drama. I swear it could be it's own soap opera or reality tv show. So. One of my friends who like hasn't talked to me in weeks but I knew liked me, I found out wasn't talking to me because he met another girl. Which I really didn't care. Well I saw him at school today and talked to him for the first time in a while. That's when he decided to confess his like for me and how he really likes me and not that other girl (when I brought her up) and how he was sorry he didn't talk to me and then he kissed me. Yes. He kissed me. Honestly. . . I didn't know what to think.  I was surprised, taken aback. Not by the fact he kissed me but more because it wasn't like I stopped him. I guess I am more surprised by my reaction than anything else. I still have no idea what to think.
On top of all that, this guy who was harassing me last fall decided he wanted to talk to me today. So that was interesting. He kept trying to get my attention and came and sat by me and my two friends and kept looking at me creepily and being weird. I was just like oh my goodness. . .
Also, on top of this, my best friend told me she's officially moving to Trinidad in a year and my other friend is moving to the Philippines in January.

I feel like so many people have plans for their life and I'm sitting over here like hey. I don't know anything. I am like at a complete loss of any direction in my life. Right now I feel like a car dangling over a cliff. I could either wait and be rescued or I could plummet to my death. I seem to just be taking life day by day and waiting for something to happen. I am so overwhelmed with life. All I know right now is that I got into the U for the spring and I will be going there. I know nothing else. I don't know where I'm living in the spring, I don't know what I'm doing right now besides go to school and go to work. I'm so confused and anxious and overwhelmed and I don't care about school anymore. I just want to sleep for a week. I hate growing up.

Beaten Path and Peace

Heading up north today. For those of you who don't live in Minnesota and don't know that lingo- I'm going to northern Minnesota today. The land of lakes, an overabundance of trees, and barely any human life for the miles in between each town of 200 or so people. It is the peaceful northern woods that many wish were more available then they are today. I love going up north and I'm excited to leave. North is something I will always miss about Minnesota if I ever leave. It's where you can wake up to deer walking across the paths in front of you and fall asleep to the darkness, crickets, and lonely cries of the loon. It's where, during the day, the only sounds you here are your families laughter and chatter, the crackle of the fire, the slamming of the wood screen door to the little wood cabin, and the birds chirping. You are surrounded by woods and lakes with nothing but a beaten path leading in and out, serving as the only road for miles. I love being in northern Minnesota, away from civilization. Yes, I'm an extrovert and love people, but at the same time I need to be alone. And not alone by myself in a locked closet in the dark. But alone, as in with the people I have grown up with who are there for every milestone in my life, up in nature with no distractions from the outside world. Yes we sometimes still argue, but then all I have to do is go for a walk by the lake where I am then given a chance to relax and take in the sun while listening to the wind and birds around me. It's so serene and something I love about Minnesota. It's even prettier around this time and later in the fall, when all the leaves begin to change. The horizon is filled with reds, oranges, yellows, browns, and the occasional green of a pine tree. The sky looks on fire all throughout the day. It's a vast array of color and it almost looks like a painting. . . as if someone took a paint brush and smeared colors across the horizon, connecting the ground with the sky, colors mingling together to form an intricate picture of beauty and perfection.

It's times like this that make me glad I'm alive; that make all the pain worth it. To see this beauty that is incomparable and almost unsurpassed. Without misery we would never truly understand nor appreciate beauty. They are negatives, yet they cannot exist without the other. It is like light and dark. Dark is the absence of light just as pain is the absence of heavenliness.

Those are my thoughts for the day. Now it is off to a long car ride slowly merging from freeway, to road, to dirt road, to beaten path, until we reach our destination and enjoy the beautiful week-end. Blessings.

Water

Swimming at night has to be probably one of the most relaxing things in the world. The feel of the water's embrace on your skin as you become fully submerged in its abyss, the sound of the ripples and breaks of surface tension, the sound, while you lay on your back, of your own breath reverberating through your body, and the sight of nothing but the water in front and around you while you are completely engulfed in darkness. To be alone, undisturbed, and one with something is what relaxes me. It clears my mind and invites peace. . . distracts from all the craziness of life. The stress of new yet unchanging situations, the conflict between myself and others and the inner conflict with myself, the anger towards myself and my actions, the never ending depression. It all just vanishes and all that is left are feelings of nothing and utter silence. I could spend forever in the water. . . just sit there and never resurface. Never have to face the challenges of life again or experience the failures and negative feelings associated with it. But alas, that isn't an option. Time eventually pulls me out and back into reality. It breaks the dream-like trance and forces me to rejoin society. The water is refreshing and renewing. It is cleansing. For some reason when I'm sad, I only ever have one desire. To feel water on my body and to feel it as it drips down my face, merging and becoming one with my own tears. It makes me feel better. I laugh because as a child my parents always told me I was a fish- never wanting to get out of the water. I laugh now because I actually question that at times. I have such an unusual desire to be in water all the time. If I am near water, I am in it. It just has such a magical sense and mystery about it. It has no true beginning and no true ending. . . it is just there and goes where it pleases.

Long Time- No Write

Been a crazy busy couple weeks. Good news, though, is that I finally was able to get another job so I can finally quit this very minimum one I have right now. I'm super excited and I think it will be fun. Other than that, nothing new has been happening. I've just been getting ready for school to start. Which, in all honesty, I can't wait to start. I'm sick of feeling so unaccomplished and lazy. During the school year I'm always so motivated and organized and happy. Yes happy. You heard me right. I'm such an extrovert that I need to be around people everyday and that's why I love school. I love being around people. A day without people is like a month without food. It sucks. I feed off the energy of other people. I literally get more hyper and happy the more I'm with people. Grant it, there are days I need to be alone but they are few and far between. I'm sure there are others of you out there that can totally relate with me. Hell. I know there are others that can. Like 50% of the world is extroverted. . . actually I think it's a little more than that if I remember correctly from my personality psychology class last spring. Being extroverted just sucked for me as a kid, though, since I live in a house of all introverts. It was hell growing up. I would always want to go out and my family always wanted to stay in and I think all of you understand how hard it is for a child to take no for an answer. It was devastating. My whole little tiny world often got crushed by my family's desire to stay home and read or watch tv or sleep. I never understood them. . . and they never seemed to understand me. It was like I was an alien on another planet and they would often think something was wrong with me because I would never want to be alone for long periods of time like my brother did. I look back now and realize why I was so different and I can often laugh at a lot of the things from my past. Which I think is a good thing and something I am lucky to have.
But anyways. School starts in exactly 13 days and all I have left to do is go get more notebooks and pens. Other than that, I am set. I have to say that I am just really excited for my classes this semester- well not for the fitness class because I have this weird thing where I hate exercising with people. I find myself becoming very self-conscience and then I get nervous and my heart rate goes up and then I can't breathe and then I don't get as nearly of a good work out as I was hoping for. I tend to be very strange like that and sometimes I think there has to be a phobia for that. I have to say exercise is the only thing that I truly like to be alone doing. . . . well besides going to the bathroom. . . but hell. Who would want someone in the bathroom with you, watching you take a shit? That would be like the most awkward thing ever. I mean not only would the conversation just be awkward but so would the silences. . . oh goodness. I don't want to think about it.
Well my classes this semester are fitness, music theory, psychology of gender, psychology of religion, and forensic psychology and law. I'm so excited for my three psychology classes! Though I know this semester is going to be tough. Three psych classes. . . sometimes I think I like to torture myself. The amount of work in one psych class, let alone three, is going to be a lot. As well as working 30hour weeks, extracurriculars, and my two other classes. This will either be a really fun semester or one where I just wish I could go dig a hole somewhere and die in it. Either way, it's better than how my summer has been going- no where.
Well while typing this, I successfully ate an entire box of Reese's pieces. It was only 3 servings, but it was a lot and now I don't think I'm going to be hungry for dinner. No. I know I won't be hungry. I also drank two giant glasses of iced tea. Sometimes I amaze myself at how much I can eat. And right now I'm just not even going to look at the calorie count of all that because I really don't want to know. They tasted good and that's all I need to know. Hey, I went for a run this morning so I can just say they cancel each other out. ;)
Anyways, I suppose I should go finish some things and make myself useful.
Peace.