My Mind is a Maze

I have no idea what to think anymore. My life seems to be a blur. I have no certain thoughts all just jumbles and piles of words and thoughts that can't seem to put themselves into order. It's complete chaos. I've finally eaten for the first time in days and I've slept the night through for the first time in months yet I feel more tired, worn down, upset, and emotional then ever. Right now I feel as if I have nothing. And in reality, these feelings I have really have nothing to do with the breakup. They have everything to do with my realization that no matter how much I like to say I am strong and fine, I'm really not. I'm not okay. I am hurting inside and I just wish for once I wouldn't get hurt and that something would go right. Ok I guess part of those feelings are from the breakup but you know... I would think I was a horrible person if I didn't have hurt feelings from what happened. You know, I actually laugh at the irony of Saturday night. He broke it off because he "had too much on his mind" and "wasn't sure if he wanted to do long-distance anymore" yet he seemed to linger in my presence and have no desire to leave. I laugh at the irony because as much as he wanted out of the relationship, he didn't seem to want out of a friendship. He even asked me before he got out of the car we were sitting in for 2 1/2 hours, if I would be ok. I said ya and he asked "really?" and I said "no. honestly I won't be. Not tonight and not tomorrow but after that, I know I will have begun to accept the situation." He didn't know what to say besides ok and reminded me that life is worth living and then left. As much as he knew he was hurting me, he seemed to still care. I just wanted to cry my eyes out. That is what I did when I left though. I cried all the way home- the whole half hour drive at 3 o'clock in the morning. These past few days have been hard. I miss him like hell. In reality. I hate breakups... but then again, who doesn't? Except, maybe, for those who do the breaking up. But I think despite the pain... it's good to know that at least I have another opportunity to "get to know myself better" and "figure out who I am"...

I just want life to go right for once.