Pride Hurts

Learned last night why too much pride can be such a harmful thing when I was hurt because of someone else's own need to "prove" something. I was denied my black belt last night at our belt test. I have been practicing for 2 1/2 years for it and I was denied it as someone next to me received theirs even after they had made some very basic, lower belt errors.

Now, for those of you who may not know much about Tae kwon do, let me help explain.
You have roughly 2 yrs of training before you get your black belt (if you are not no changed at a test). There are 12 belts before your black belt. You test every 2 months. Now, I have been training 2 1/2 years because I had to take time off for school. When training, you train on a certain form, board break, and some sparing techniques in order to be able to test for your next rank. You receive stripes at the end of your 2 months for those exact things saying you are ready to test. At the test you are required to preform your learned form, board break, and demonstrate sparing effectively. Everyone knows that if you do those effectively, you will advance ranks. The only way in which you won't pass is if you forget crucial parts of your form of don't break your board within 3 tries.

Well, the owner of our place has been on a power hungry streak recently, threatening to no change people for "small details". Well he has been hard on the 2nd and 3rd degrees which makes sense since they are training black belts. But he has been very inconsistent, and unspecific with the colored belts. He has been passing people who visibly mess up form and no changing people who did nothing wrong to prove the point that he is powerful, should be feared and can do what he wants. I was no changed last night for something as small as having 1 or 2 of my 20 front kicks he had us do not be curled back enough. My board break was broken on the first try, on a harder board than what he wanted me to do, my form was almost perfect for my belt level and I demonstrated everything we learned in sparing. He no changed me for front kicks he had the 3 people going for our black belt get back up and do in front of him. Now, let me just make another point, the front kick wasn't even in our form. There was no way we were to know he was going to do that because that is not what we get our stripes for. He also only did it to the 3 of us upper belts and not the whole class, so in that it was very biased, unfair, and planned on his part. I was so pissed when I found out he didn't pass me.

I still am.

Afterwards he proceeded to try to brag to the audience about how he grappled our head instructor and held out for quite a bit as if that was a huge accomplishment.

He always preaches to only compare yourself to yourself but then brags over doing better than others, tells another colored belt that if a kid can break two boards, then he can, tells my own dad that he has "pride issues" and that's why he couldn't break his board. I'm sick of this jerk faced ass hole to get away with what he wants. I don't know what he is trying to prove. He also no changed another kid last test for the same thing he did to me even though everything that kid did was perfect. Then he proceeded to pass 5 other kids who all except 1 had very sloppy done forms. He also passed a girl for her 2nd degree even though she didn't break her board on 3 tries like you're supposed to.

He's power hungry and I'm done.

I can't go back now to finish because I have school so I don't know if I'll ever finish my black belt even after my long time of training. Which to me is heartbreaking. For him to no change me for his own pride and allow me to live with never completing something I've spent so long on.

It is what it is. But I will never accept his decision because I know I did nothing to deserve a no change at my level. I will not beat myself up over this because it was nothing I could have prevented. It was on a kick that wasn't in our form, we had not practiced in a while, we were never told was going to be in the test, and was simply him looking for a reason to no change me.

I'm done with this shit.

Special

Have you ever felt as if love was a forever changing thing? Something that is not constant? I feel as if this is reality or at least that is how I see love as it is towards me. I feel as if love is never a constant stream for me. It comes and it goes... it ebbs and flows. I feel as if one moment I am showered in it while at others I am in a complete desert.

This is one of those times I feel it lacking. I feel thrown aside. I feel unwanted and rejected. You know all I have ever wanted is for someone to say, yes I want you. Without me having to ask. I ask people to hang out with me and all I get is "I don't want to", even from my family. They are all too busy or don't feel like it. I try to make time for people who seem to never want to make time for me. I feel used. I see some people a few times and when I do, all they want is to be pleased then they toss me aside. They don't even bother to try to talk to me and tell me they miss me or want me. I feel as if I reach for them as they watch in pity and laugh.

You know as bad as this is going to sound, I totally thought I saw my ex-boyfriend the other day and my heart skipped a beat. Not because I miss him but because I realized I missed feeling special. He was a jerk and I do NOT miss him at all. But I do miss how he would make me feel special even if it was just to butter me up because he had been extremely hurtful the moment before. But I felt special to him and I fully believe that was the only reason our relationship lasted as long as it did. But he would always remember to tell me he missed me, how much he wanted to see me, how much I meant to him. He would surprise me with things... little things. Like a picked flower, homemade bracelet, cute random 2 sentence notes, love letters in the mail. Even though I only saw him maybe once a week or even once every two weeks, I always knew I was on his mind. I knew he wanted me. I never doubted that.

I miss that.

I miss having someone who adores me more than life itself and who tells me that.

I was laughing this morning when my friend texted me at 6:45am just to tell me she got me something while on vacation and couldn't wait to give it to me when she got back. I've known her for 9 years now and love her with all my heart. I was laughing because at times it seems like she makes me feel more special than any guy ever has. And I to her. We joke all the time about what if we had dated but then we realize neither of us are sexually attracted to the other. Just emotionally. But then I realized I missed her. Because, again, as much as I don't see her very often, I know she cares about me and is thinking about me. And she randomly likes to tell me that too. I laugh because we basically act as if we are in a relationship.

Anyways. Just a random 2 am thought. Can't sleep, so figured I would write out my feelings running through my mind.

"Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You know she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you."

True Beauty

It’s weird how life changes before your eyes. It almost seems like a movie at times in the way time elapses; so quickly yet paused just long enough on the moments that truly make the story. Yet then at times life seems to move along no faster than a cloud; so slowly that you don’t even notice when it has left or when it will ever reappear. People have a funny way of making life seem to speed by or slowly edge along. They come in and out, and stay just long enough for you to learn of yourself and how quick you learn to love and trust. They come and linger long enough for you to grow and watch them grow before one day you awake and they are no longer there. Then they come and they stay. . . long enough until one day they awake and you are no longer living. I found this out the hard way. I, at times, relive the people in my life that have passed, lingered, and stayed. It’s always a surprise to me of how much life changes before us.  How people change. There must be something more to life than the relations we have with the ones surrounding us. There must be more to this life than living everyday for another. At times, I often feel I no longer understood life as completely as I once thought I did. It’s funny how life changes like that. You wake up one morning surrounded by only questions. Questions you once thought you had the answers to but then realized that you had only scratched the surface. Life is full of people. And people make up this world more than even air itself. They keep us sane as well as drive us insane but everyone has a place and without this somewhat chaotic order, we would all plummet to complete confusion. People make the world go around and around. Without them, this Earth would be nothing more than a ball orbiting a sun. With people, this ball suddenly becomes an object with an identity; a sphere with a name. Earth. Filled with something more; life.

I look back at my life and ask myself questions. What truly mattered then? And why did I think it mattered when now it is nothing more than a thought from the past, a pinch of time on the line of eternity, a day to this life, and a feeling all my own? But then it truly does matter because it was a moment. It was a moment where two people collided to make something more. More than the circles we run or the single life we lead. It was a moment where two paths collided, intertwined, or crossed before heading their own way. Those are the moments that leave us learning. But why do we learn and what must we gain from these moments except an acceptance and an acknowlgement that we truly aren’t alone? That no matter if a moment left happiness, pain, or grief, we are to understand that we were allowed to take part in a moment of beauty, where two became one and a masterpiece was sprouted from which a destiny was changed and a life was altered. Maybe it was not altered in a large way, but one small enough to cause future change, future thoughts, future memories and moments for one to look back upon. These themselves are reasons to be glad of any collision we have with another. We had the opportunity to take part in another’s life; to experience this Earth as they do and to catch a glimpse into the mind of another. We created a piece of history.

This world is so beautiful and I find I often lose sight of this. I get caught up in the day to day stresses and instead find myself living in what could be or what was instead of what is. Because what is will become what was and leads to what will be. This world has a beauty like no other and reflects this beauty to me through the people within it. Each person has their own beauty they radiate. But often I get caught up in the act of comparison. I compare my beauty to theirs as one compares a stone to a shell. They both have beauty but they are incomparable. I get caught up in the act of losing sight of what is true, real, and honest. But on those rare occasions I do see the beauty, each person I see is a different creature… a different creation. They amaze, astound, and quiet me. I notice the things about them that are unique to them. They way they move, speak, and think… each thing, unique. It’s the outward appearance of everything inward. It’s the product of their individual DNA, made up of different orders of only 4 nucleotides but in a different way so as to make them completely unique from the person standing next to them or living half way around the world. It is a product of years of childhood, years of paths becoming crossed by others and years of self-seeking. It is this intricate web of life that astounds me and pushes me to learn as much as I can of this human soul. It pushes me to help those around me also see this beauty; to be at peace with themselves, others, and the world.  

It is all this that leads me to questions. Leads me to ask is there more to life than simply worrying of others, forgetting the beauty, and letting fear stifle our intuitive, curious souls. I ask myself why we allow ourselves to do this and why we allow ourselves to disregard the thought that there must be something much bigger than us out there that keeps this world turning.

Pressure

There is something that I have realized over the last two years but have been deathly afraid to admit to myself for fear that I will admit I am weak. But in reality. . . I am weak.

I give into peer pressure extremely easily. My whole life I have always looked up to the people who stand up for what they want and never back down, who aren't afraid to be who they are or do what they want. My best friend Reagan was always one of those people. I always loved the fact about her that she didn't care what her parents said. She wore the things she wanted to regardless of if people thought it looked weird. I loved the fact that she was shameless of the things she enjoyed and she wasn't afraid to speak her mind.

I was never like that. I always came across as being confident in everything I said and believed but in reality I have always been afraid. Afraid of what people think and I find I only say things to appease others. My opinions on things change in an instant to resemble more similarly the person I am talking to so as to prevent a confrontation or argument. My actions change to match those of what people want from me or out of me. I feel extremely threatened by people who naturally get along with my friends because I feel as if I'm going to be tossed aside because I don't have all the same likes or opinions or something that they want. I have an extreme need to be accepted. Growing up I was home schooled because I was bullied in public school. I came home one day telling my mom I wanted to stay home for school and she let me. But there is always that stupid opinion of home schooled kids that they are awkward and antisocial and weird so I never told anyone I was home schooled. I hated the looks and jokes. The sad thing was I actually did sports with public school kids and band and theater. Everyone seemed to like me until they would find out I was home schooled. Then they would stop talking to me. I hated it and I felt alone. I tried to fit in in anyway I could. I stopped wearing my glasses, I stopped eating, I lost weight (even though I already had a normal body weight and type), I exercised more (like a lot more), I joked about the same things they did no matter how wrong it was, I acted as if I didn't care about school even though I loved learning, I acted as if I enjoyed all the same things they did.

What hurt the most was that I didn't even feel accepted in the home school community because I wasn't religious enough or because I didn't grow up in a generational home of home schooled kids or because I acted too much like the public schoolers.

I never felt liked. So I realized that these last 2 years. When I have been pressured the most to do things I said I would never do. And I've done them all. The sad thing is that when I do them or did them, that I would feel "cool" or accepted by those around me. But in reality, I realize now that they didn't care if I did it or not. They would still be my friends or they would still have left like they did. All I did by choosing to take part in those pressures was hurt myself. And to go back on every promise I ever made myself.

I hate looking at people now and see all the things they have stuck with and not changed. I hate it because I'm not like them. I never had the strength to say no. And even if I did, it didn't last for very long. Even if it was one of the deepest held desires in my heart. I honestly think I've only ever made one true choice for myself that I didn't feel pressured into. That honestly was switching colleges last year.

You know as much as I have felt pressured by people, some of the choices have been good ones. But that doesn't mean I was glad I was pressured. No. I've never had a chance to make my own choices. So now I am floundering. I don't know what I'm doing or who I am. I don't know what I believe or how to live with everything I've done. I can only hope that I'll learn from them and be able to help others with it. But my biggest struggle in life right now is. . .

to make my own choices. And to not care what anyone says or thinks. To say no and to stick by it. To stick by my opinions even if I don't have the best comebacks because deep down in my heart I know it is right.

I always say be humble but be firm. 

Humility and openness 

are the key to success 

without compromising your beliefs. 

-George Hickenlooper

The Unseen Person

I think something that goes often unseen or even unmentioned, yet has been felt by each and every one of us, is that of shame. Often times it is the victim that is surrounded with comfort and “it will be okay”s, that we forget to see the perpetrator in it all. Now, I'm not saying to comfort the perpetrator because they did make a bad choice and need to know that. I'm saying that instead of teaching them, we shame them. But why is that? We blame, shame, put down, tear down, abuse, burden, hate, and even spit on those that have committed an act which accidentally or even purposefully hurt another. Yet, we forget that they are simply humans too. They are like us. They also have feelings and by tearing them down and shaming them, we have now made them the victim and us the perpetrator. But our behavior is so much more socially acceptable, because they did it first right? And they have to be socially punished and ostracized and shamed so that they never do it again right? It’s as if we hurt them and burden them so as to try and rid ourselves of the pain, hurt, and sadness we feel at the incident that took place. We try to make them have an outward expression of the inward turmoil we are experiencing.

I had a dream last night.

taken from http://junglok.org/archives/574

In my dream, I was helping this young girl, about 5 or 6, who was afraid of slides. She wanted to go down one but was terrified so I took her up to a slide and helped her go down. It was a small one and she actually did ok and had fun. So then she wanted to try an even bigger slide. As we were going up to it, a bigger kid took her and told her to go down but she was scared, so he just picked her up and slide her down the slide headfirst. She went down the slide really fast and landed head first into the ground and proceeded to do a somersault, landing on her back. The adults around all quickly ran to her and she was crying. In my dream, I remember turning to the boy who was about 8 or 9, and asked him extremely sternly why he would push her down the slide and told him how it was mean and he was mean and that was a bad and wrong thing to do. I did this all without any kindness or even a hint of trying to help him understand what actually happened. The look on his face as I was saying all of this was of guilt and shame and complete and utter helplessness, hopelessness, remorse, and sympathy. At that moment I stopped. I realized that what I was doing was just as wrong and mean as him pushing the little girl down the slide. I was just projecting my embarrassment at having the little girl be hurt, my anger, and my sympathy onto him.

That was when I realized that instead of dealing with my emotions by acknowledging them and saying it is okay to feel them, I lashed out at the boy. How immature and more hurtful is that?

But then, later I asked myself, what is so hard about acknowledging our own emotions and owning them? Is it because we often don’t understand them or have exact words to explain our feeling? That is often my reasoning, but I also began thinking that perhaps there are more reasons. Perhaps we don’t want to own our emotions because we don’t want to think we can be in control of how we respond to a situation whether it is healthy or not? Like, it’s an excuse to act/respond a certain way. As an example, your spouse cheats and you get angry and instead of dealing with the emotion you hit your spouse. Later, you deny it as just being out of anger and not truly you who was acting and that it was really all your spouse’s fault because they cheated- therefore tossing the blame onto them and walking away with little consequences because of your action.

In reality, this just causes more issues and more pain, unresolved feelings, and a never-ending cycle of blame, shame, and immaturity.

Or maybe, perhaps we don’t want to own our emotions because it is too mentally painful. Like in a situation where a loved one died in a drunk driving accident or was raped/molested, or were even murdered. Only God knows how psychologically painful it would be to have to acknowledge the hurt and pain one feels in this situation. The sympathy for the own who was hurt, remorse and shame over not doing something more to prevent that even from happening, self-blame, anger towards the person who committed it, and sadness over the whole incident. By acknowledging all these feelings, we allow ourselves to become open to wall shattering and brokenness. And this is painful and we don’t enjoy being in pain. . .we try to avoid it, so instead, we blame the perpetrator and shame them. We try to take revenge and place all our feelings on them. We begin to believe that if they suffer, we will somehow feel better. But, having studied witnesses and death penalty and such in psychology, very very few (little to none) people feel better when they watch the perpetrator die for their actions. Why? Because we have only simply postponed the grieving process. And some do this for years. We forget that the perpetrators are people too and we treat them as the enemy. When in reality they truly aren’t the enemy. . . they are simply misled by the true enemy. . . evil itself. They have been misled by a lie. A lie that they can take what they want with no consequence, that murder may be the only solution, that they are completely inept and can think clearly when in reality, they too have also not acknowledged their feelings of anger, sadness, desire, etc.

Acknowledging our emotions is part of the grieving process. 

It is also part of the learning process as well as the teaching process.

With the case in my dream, I should have instead, paused to take a look at my feelings and tell myself the boy is not the enemy and then explain to him how the little girl is now hurt and he needs to understand that what he did hurt her but how he is not a bad person, he just made the wrong choice and how I understand he probably feels bad and that’s ok but that he does need to apologize and how he also may now have a consequence (whether natural or not) to his action.

This would have allowed proper “grieving”, learning, and teaching. The boy would be much less likely to make that same choice again then if I had simply yelled at him. With this approach, he sees the association between action and outcome as well as how emotions play into it.

How much more pleasant would this world be if we could all own our emotions?

Another thought I had was, perhaps we don’t often own emotions because we are afraid that it will somehow make us admit we have false, harmful beliefs. Like an example is with shame. Say we are shaming ourselves for a choice we made. We tell ourselves that we are stupid and we believe it. Well by acknowledging that emotion we begin to become aware of the belief we hold of being stupid. But we know deep down that that is not true and therefore have to change it, but it’s hard to change it and would require us to acknowledge other emotions we feel which can be more painful.

But we do need to remember that it is actually healthy and more beautiful in the long run. . . I mean I would rather have a little bit of pain flushing out a bad belief and be happier afterwards, then to have to live in ignorance of the belief and continue to have painful, bad, shameful thoughts every time I make a “mistake” which will happen God knows how much because I am definitely not perfect.

Free-will

A topic was brought up in my Cognitive Psychology class today. That of free will. That of its very existence.

There have been recent studies of the unconscious and conscious mind showing that we are now able to show (through brain activity) the choice someone is going to make 6 seconds before they consciously make that decision. This raises the debate of if there truly is a free-will.

I came to the conclusion of having to define free-will. Many define it as the ability to consciously make a decisions so then by this evidence, we would not possess free-will since our unconscious minds make decisions before we are consciously aware of it. And after the choice is made, we begin to justify every decision our unconscious mind made by trying to tie it into beliefs and values we hold. We would do this to prevent cognitive dissonance and to keep us believing we are in control of our lives.

Now, if you define free-will as the ability (consciously or unconsciously) to make a decision apart from control of an external source, then that evidence just shows the complexity of the human mind and how there are many things that go on in the unnoticeable parts of the brain before they even reach our consciousness.   

But then you have the debate on the controlling ability of outside factors such as genes, nurture, situations, etc. But in reality, those things just affect the things that may happen to us, but they do not affect our ability to choose how we react, feel, or respond to the situations.

Ultimately, I believe we have free-will. We have a mind, and it makes decisions regardless of if we consciously know of them or not. If we didn't have free-will, we would be little puppets controlled by a god or our own basic desires and needs. But the very fact we can decide to believe in a god or withhold our urges, I believe, provides evidence in itself for free-will (or free-choice as some desire to call it). If we didn't have free will, then we would be as the animals are. . . only living to supply and fulfill our basic needs and urges.

Questions on Life

Life. I find I walk around in life questioning everything around me. Almost never do I simply walk down the road or to class and just listen to my music or think of things I have to do. Instead, I find that I watch those around me and I ask questions.

The question I asked myself today . . . what is the point of life? And yes I know that is that one question that every philosopher tries to answer but I don't ask from the way they want answers- as to why we exist. My question is what are we supposed to do with the life we are given? Why do we go to school? To get a degree so we can work? Why do we work? To earn money to live? But then what is living? Is living simply going to work, earning money, and taking care of our needs? But then why do we stress so much to take care of the sick, the weak, and the ones without love or a home? Why do we make such a hassle and big deal over death? Why do people tell others to not kill themselves? Why do we try to save those around us? Is it because life is sacred? Why is it sacred if our only purpose is to supply for our needs so we don't die?

What is that? Is that life? Do we only live so we can suffer through school and work and maybe sometimes have a moment of connection with others that leads to smiles and laughter? But why is this desirable? Why do we want this? Why do we desire to connect to others when in reality we are animals and our only true need is to supply for ourselves?

Do we only supply for ourselves so we prolong death? Why are we afraid of death? Why are we afraid of pain and hurting? Yes, I understand some argue it is an evolutionary trend that we came to acquire a fear of pain to protect from harmful things. But why do we avoid harmful things if the only purpose of living is to supply for our needs and run from death?

These are the questions I contemplate. These are what lead me to wonder about us people and have a strong desire to learn why we are who we are and why we do what we do. . . It is psychology. But during all this I still wonder about myself and about this thing called life. This thing of breathing. This thing of hearts beating and blood flowing. This thing of thoughts and movement. Why do we have needs for adventure or discovery or to be known or to know or to love or to even simply be at peace?

Honestly, the only answer I have for this is the one thing I always seem to come back to. The one thing I grew up in. The one thing that makes sense to me. That we were created for a relationship with God. To experience his love and power as a human here on earth and he as a being all around us. (The only time we will ever be able to experience him not being face-to-face as we will be in heaven). The only thing that makes sense to me is that he gave us these innate desires to explore the world around us because he gave us this world to enjoy. This is what I keep coming back to. And to what I cling.